Recent studies have shown texting is out of control and may eventually have a bigger impact on the planet than global warming. An emergency phone message was left for Al Gore, but as of this writing no response has been received. Last Tuesday, I sat down with Dr. Gutenberg at the American Institute of Scribbling to discuss the results of his new research.
We’re all familiar with how texting is causing car accidents. How else is texting affecting our society?
Dr. Gutenberg: Here is just one example - unplanned pregnancies are on the rise. Our studies show that when people are heavy texters, they sometimes forget to use birth control or may not even notice that they are engaged in intimate relations.
A real surprise was that there were even a few women who didn’t realize they were pregnant until their labor pains became so severe they had to put their cell phones down. There also have been a few cases where the babies of heavy texters were born with freckles or spots on their foreheads that formed the letters “L-O-L.”
Dr. Gutenberg: And we are now convinced that Swine Flu was probably caused by texting. We have evidence that a pig farmer was eating a sandwich near a pigpen when he suddenly thought of a new pork product: bacon Twinkies. We believe he put his sandwich down on a fence post in order to send a text message to his branding consultant. An unidentified pig then licked or took a bite out of the farmer’s sandwich. After sending his text message, the farmer continued to eat the sandwich and became infected.
What about the entertainment industry?
Dr. Gutenberg: One of our scientists observed an audience at a local theater texting instead of watching the movie. This certainly explains why the new Star Trek movie got such rave reviews. And recently, the Fox cable network has canceled the show Sit Down, Shut Up. What more can I say?
How has texting affected professional sports?
Dr. Gutenberg: We have inside information that Brett Favre, who played for the Jets last year, injured his shoulder texting, not by playing football. That explains why Brett didn’t tell his coach. We’ve heard some leagues are talking about randomly testing athletes for texting, and NASCAR is considering taking the severe step of banning all texting.