This is Santa Claus. You may have heard of me or my work - you know, those presents under your tree this last year. I’m writing this in mid-February after getting tired of seeing ads at stores for Valentine’s Day specials.
I’m writing this year to negotiate; to resolve two issues I have, and then I will continue to deliver presents each year. Don’t negotiate with me and there will be no more ho, ho, ho-ing — only oh, oh, oh-ing.
Issue 1: Pay
Recently the elves and reindeer began to unionize and demanded more pay. As we dealt with this labor problem and pondered whether to bring in scabs, I realized something: I’m not getting paid.
No wonder I’m having trouble paying my employees each year, let alone bringing home enough bacon for Mrs. Claus. This operation is bleeding more money than the average dot.com.
I think someone owes me money. I don’t care if I’m paid by the UN, Ted Turner or Bill Gates — and I’m still kicking myself for leaving him that home computer and not buying Microsoft options later — so much as someone shares of the Xmas joy back with me via currency.
Issue 2: Temp work
I’ve noticed some of my help only comes in during the winter. They take other jobs the rest of the year. It got me thinking. Why can’t I work other jobs? Some say it’s a gift economy. I know gifts.
Maybe I can set up Santa.com and help pick people’s presents — not just Xmas, but also birthdays and Valentine’s Day. On the latter, the greeting card industry owes me big bucks for stealing that idea, which I wrote while playing reindeer games with Rudolph.
Think about my questions, please, and keep this is mind during the negotiation. This time, I’ll be the one counting the days.