Ah, the city by the bay. Bay of Pigs, that is. The wonder of incipient Alzheimer's is that one forgets the little things that can turn a dream into a nightmare.
We shall begin our tour with San Francisco International Airport. I've been travelling to SF for over fifteen years. I've also flown into most of the major airports in the U.S.
For example, take Charleston, West Virginia. The problem with West Virginia is that all the flat land's been turned into golf courses, so the only option left was to dig runways into the side of a mountain. It isn't a very big mountain, so the runway is about as long as an elephant's ear — and if you've ever had the opportunity to measure one of those, you'll understand that, as large as an elephant is, you wouldn't want to land a jet on his ear.
As you land, all seems fine until the plane comes to a stop. As you deplane, you look over and see that the pilot had about 18 inches of runway left — after which there's a gorge that makes the Grand Canyon look like a stream. And taking off? The pilot puts on the breaks, revs the engine up to 75 million RPMs, lets go, and prays he's got enough momentum to lift off before the runway disappears.
I'd take Charleston's airport over SF's any day, any time, in any weather, including a typhoon mixed with hurricanes, tornados, snow, and hail.
They've been upgrading the SF airport since before the Wright brothers, who were offered the use of the airport to launch their first flight but, once they stopped laughing their asses off, politely declined. So one lands. One deplanes. And then one walks and walks and walks and walks. Sometimes you take an elevator or escalator up and you walk and walk and walk and then take an escalator down. You look out a window and see the plane you just got off of...it's about 20 feet away and you've been walking for three hours.
If you're really dumb, you've rented a car.
Now, in the good old days when the airport was 90% scaffolding and 10% debris, you'd hop a bus which would drive around in circles for a while and take you to some obscure place where you'd wander up and down looking for your particular rental agency. But there's been progress, boys and girls.
Article comments
1 - duane
Tourists ... hehehe ...
2 - mschannon
Tourist? Tourist? I'll have you know I know SF like the back of your hand. I didn't even mention the $5 to ride that stupid trolly. It's cheaper to take a cab.
Bad weather, too many hills, too many homeless, bad wine, and derivitive food...you can keep the whole left coast. I'll leave it to you in my will...or won't.
In Decaf Veritas
3 - chantal stone
Mark...I laughed my ass off......great piece!
4 - mschannon
Thank you my dear, but you'd better go find it. One can't get very far without an ass.
The problem is I could have called it News since it's all true.
In Decaf Veritas
5 - Michael J. West
Being that you live in my neck of the woods, I presume that DC remains your favorite city?
6 - mschannon
Michael, no actually, although I like DC, but I am a left-wing right coast person. My favorite city is Paris. What I actually am looking for is a relatively small city, college town, with a slower pace and good chocolate and European wines.
In Decaf Veritas
7 - the bicoastalist
having moved from dc to san francisco only recently, i can say that i've found the homeless populations to be fairly equal.
bad weather? perfect weather if you want to be outside all the time. and i work outside every day, so i'm hardly making that up.
too many hills, i might give you that. it's a workout on a bike. gorgeous in the nighttime. some of us just like being in varied altitudes, i suppose.
bad wine? i'll give you that parisian wine may be superior, but dc wine is hardly so. i guess the vast majority of the wine-educated must've just had the wool pulled over their eyes...
and derivative food? oh yeah, because everyone was doing raw before roxanne klein, or alice waters before alice waters. surely, paris or the american east coast was the birthplace of organic, locally-grown, vegetable-based cuisine! except that it's still tough to find places in dc that serve that type of food. i've tried.
hey, i'm not the biggest fan of new york. too loud, too little green, too much attitude. i never plan on living there. but i visit often enough, and try to have fun each time. there's plenty of good, fun, interesting, terribly unique things about new york to explore. but i guess one must be willing to look past the airport to enjoy the rest of a city...
or, possibly those of us who love living in san francisco are just dumbasses. except i could never walk to the beach from my house in dc.
8 - Ron
WTF, whiner? Next time you come out, take the Donner party route.
9 - gonzo marx
oh my stars and garters, Mark me boyo...
sorry ta hear yer trip was ...ummm...less than stellar
but you want the worst landing strips in the world, SF ain't it
Hong Kong is
Excelsior?
10 - Ken
Sorry, Gonzo, but Hong Kong is no longer the landing adventure it used to be. They opened a fancy big airport with real runways for jumbo jets and a long, reasonable descent path. It's on an island a million miles from the city. I flew in on its second day of operation and have a similar story to Mark's, but I give them the benefit of the doubt because they were going through teething pains. In an unbelievable switchover project, they pulled all the equipment, people, and resources from the old airport and did an overnight convoy to the new one, setting up for full operations the next day. Naturally nothing worked. Ah, fun times!
11 - mschannon
Ron, WTF & Whiner? More words or at least try English.
Bicoastilististic--check the headline--satire. although vegetable based organic food isn't my idea of haute cuisine...especially if you do some research on the level of toxins in organic food...but I ain't afraid of no toxins.
I didn't know DC made wine, but Virginia does & if I had my choice, I'd drink the worst swill in CA rather than the best VA has to offer. Yuk.
Gonzo, we actually had a great time. I didn't mention those things--wouldn't have ruined a good story. You know we liberals--never let facts get in the way of making a point.
In Decaf Veritas
12 - Clavos
How about Charlotte Amalie, USVI for the Bad Landing Strips Sweepstakes? A few feet too far on the rollout and you're a smear on the mountainside.
13 - Dave Nalle
You know, I bet there's a market for a book of airport reviews.
Something to think about.
Dave
14 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
I was in SF in 1998 with my boys to visit a cousin of ours. I don't remember all this hassle at the airport, but my cousin did pick me up at the airport...
I remember SF as being a bummy town in 1978 when I had been there last, and had no great desire to venture in a second time in 1998 when homelessness was already a permanent institution in America.
Great article, Mark.
15 - Bliffle
SFO? Difficult? SFO is one of the easiest airports to use. Yes, you may have to walk (poor baby!) but the signs are clear and you WILL find your destination. I can get from Los Altos (at the nether side of Palo Alto) to my boarding gate in 50 minutes by parking at Anza longterm parking ($10 per day with the internet discount) and taking their shuttle. From Palo Alto you can catch the 7F Express bus ($1) at El Camino every half hour (about 16 hours a day) and arrive at the Departures entrance 50 minutes later. Everyone of my acquaintance knows that I will voluntarily pickup or dropoff anybody anytime at SFO because it is easy for me and a welcome help for travelers. I seldom get taken up on the offer because others find it easy, too.
For high adventure it's hard to beat the airport atop a mountain on Santa Catalina Island.
The worst airport I've been subjected to is Frankfurt, last month, and it used to be the best.
16 - mschannon
Dave,
You read my mind. I'm gonna do another article with all the bad airports listed here and ask for more suggestions. For example, land in San Diego is amazing since you literally fly between buildings. One little slip of whatever steers jets and kablooie!
Clavos--not familiar with Charlotte Amalie--thanks. It'll be another one to try to avoid.
Bliffle, with all due respect, WHAT? Clear signs. Read my post. My sister & brother-in-law sent in one direction, us in another and we wind up 50 yards from each other? At the car rental place, you get directed up and down and around and up, outside and then up to the station only to find that you could have gone down one flight & found an platform there? And the signs leading to the rental car lot from 101 are a complete joke. We must be talking about different airports.
Also...need more on Frankfurt. Why is it so bad?
In Decaf Veritas
17 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
I may have to take a trip to the "new" Ben Gurion International Airport (Natbág in Hebrew) when I have some spare cash...
I'm told it's very different from the place I unloaded my luggage at in 2001.
18 - Bliffle
Frankfurt! Used to be so easy! So I specifically routed thru FRA and I specifically chose Lufthansa. But when I connected from one LH flight to another, the incoming flight just dumped us into a hall with NO signs about gates or flights or anything, and NO monitors. There was one desk for flight info with about a hundred travellers waiting in line. But I quickly hacked the system. There were 3 or 4 security gates so I went to them in turn figuring that they'd check my ticket and make sure I was heading for the correct flight/gate for SECURITY reasons (not that they wanted to help little me). And pursuing that algorithm I found my way to the correct gate and flight. Of course, I arrived at my gate with my computer missing, realized that some security point had pulled it out of my carryon without mentioning it to me, backtracked until I found the checkpoint that had the thing and then retraced to the gate again.