Satire: Rumsfeld and Cheney Questioned About Polygamist Warren Jeffs

Polygamist, sect leader, and wanted man Warren Steed Jeffs was arrested this last Monday after being pulled over for a routine traffic stop.

Earlier this week it had been reported that Jeffs was arrested without event, but sources within the Nevada Highway Patrol say that until FBI agents arrived on the scene, Jeffs refused to cooperate when troopers ordered him out of his red 2007 Cadillac Escalade and became visibly hysterical. Patrolmen say there was a scuffle in the vehicle between Jeffs and two passengers, first thought to be one of Jeffs' wives, Naomi Jeffs, and his brother, Isaac Steed Jeffs.

Residents confirmed the report of Jeffs' outburst, saying he had jumped up and down like a small child, yelling at the troopers, "Do over! Do over! I don't have my guns!" At first thought to have thrown himself over the front seat of his vehicle weeping, Jeffs abruptly exited the vehicle and began throwing what appeared to be large balls of fur at the troopers. "What the hell," they were heard exclaiming, "are those... kittens?" Troopers were aghast to see wigs of hair falling atop the hoods of their patrol cars.

Jeffs reached back into the vehicle and began lobbing cell phones and laptops at officers, shouting, "Bastards! You low-life, one-wife motherfu---Hey!" Jeffs was brought down mid-sentence with a bitch slap from a woman who appeared suddenly from a nearby hotel. Refusing to be identified by name, the woman later said she was one of Jeffs' wives and has been living in the hotel with three other wives of Jeffs' and 18 of his children since being evicted from his Nevada compound.

Jeffs fell, dumbstruck from the woman's slap, allowing troopers to safely approach and subdue him and take the passengers of his vehicle into custody for questioning. Residents said FBI agents arrived at that time. Troopers said the female passenger's hair went askew as she was placed in the patrol car. FBI agents stepped forward, forced both the female and male passenger down into their seats and were immediately whisked away.

Article Author: Diana Hartman

Diana Hartman is a (ret.) USMC spouse, mother of three in college and a Wichita, Kansas native. She is a contributing writer to Holiday Writes and can be found on Twitter.

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