Just when you think you've killed Jesus, he pops back up like the plastic rodents in a Whack-a-Mole game. The Romans and the Pharisees had the first and best crack at him, and they gave him a good whack right in the messiah. But then, three days later he popped out of his cave all shiny and new and went to have a job interview with a pompous and overbearing Jew named Saul and signed him on as God's new publicist right there on the road to Damascus.
The Roman Empire lasted quite a while, so they had a number of good, solid whacks at God. Nero took a fine one when he chopped off Paul's head, but there were a bunch of tinhorn saints waiting in the wings and before Nero could put down the fiddle, they were popping out all over the place.
Diocletian did such a good job in the 4th century his reign came to be known as the "Era of Martyrs". But then Constantine's mother came along and ruined it all by making the momma's boy play nice with Jesus so she could sell pieces of the true cross through franchises all over Europe.
Attila managed to earn the title "Scourge of God", but as a nomad he lacked real staying power. His successors in the barbarian invader business had a terrible taste for decadence and tended to accept some good old Roman Jesus along with the antique indoor plumbing and yearly bread riots.
All over Europe for hundreds of years, every pagan kinglet found creative ways to martyr some irritating Christian missionaries. Then they found out that Jesus could cook the books and started hiring Irish monks to keep track of tax revenue and that was that. If you've ever found the Jehovah's Witnesses on your front stoop, you know that once the failthfilled get their foot in the door and their hands in your pocketbook, there's no way to get rid of them.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Victor Plenty
Reminds me of the one about three guys trying to get into Heaven, even though they didn't exactly have a spotless record of conduct while on Earth. But they weren't really bad people, so old Saint Peter said he would ask them each one question, and if they could answer correctly, they could pass through the Pearly Gates.
He asked the first man this question: What is the significance of Easter?
The first guy said, "Oh, man... I shoulda paid attention in Sunday school! I'm just gonna have to guess here... is that when Jesus healed a sick rabbit?" Of course this was wrong, and so the first man was sent away from the gates. Peter asked the same question to the second man.
"Oooh! Easter! Yes, that's when Jesus gave all the disciples hard boiled eggs and chocolates, right?" Peter shook has head sadly and sent the second man away. He asked the third man the same question.
"Easter. I know this one. Okay, it starts out when Jesus gets crucified, right?"
Saint Peter said: "And...?"
The man said: "And then they bury him in the tomb, right?"
Saint Peter nodded encouragingly. "Go on!"
"And on the third day they open up the tomb, right?"
Saint Peter smiled.
"And then if Jesus sees his shadow, we get six more weeks of winter!"
...
(Sorry. I couldn't resist.)
2 - Dave Nalle
Now that's a hoary old joke. Yet still funny.
Dave
3 - Danny Haszard
[..If you've ever found the Jehovah's Witnesses on your front stoop, you know that once the god-floggers get their foot in the door and their hands in your pocketbook, there's no way to get rid of them...]
Regarding above quote:
What we know about the Jehovah's Witnesses/Watchtower cult of greed.
The WatchTower Corporation is a multi media production and printing company, and we know all activities are only for the purpose of promoting and raising funds for the WatchTower Corporation.
They produce books, tapes, CD's, and videos. Their main business is soliciting donations, both door to door from strangers and from their own members at WatchTower Corporation sponsored meetings.
Their second cash producing business is sponsoring events and conventions and collecting donations at those. The third equity business is the real estate development and speculating business.
A huge sub business is the soliciting and managing of the proceeds of wills, trusts, and cash assets of loyal members ("their hands in your pocketbook"). This is their lowest road and they pursue it with impunity.
--
Danny Haszard,expert witness on the Jehovah's Witness
4 - Brenda Lee
I thought the picture of Jesus vs. Satan was quite amusing. I was raised as a teenager in the Watchtower organization. Jehovah's Witnesses believe that only they will survive Armageddon and that afterwards there will be a one-thousand year period when Satan will be bound and gagged and can't "tempt" anyone. After that Jehovah will allow Satan to go free to test the remaining JWs one more time, after which there will be a final slaughter to leave only the truly devout on this plant. I always wondered as a child, if God is all powerful and Satan knows that, why would he work hand-in-hand with Jehovah to tempt people after being bound for a thousand years? Wouldn't he just say, "Up yours and get it over with?" I sure wouldn't be a pawn for someone else who intends to stomp out my existence, yet Jehovah's Witnesses seem to believe that Satan is willing to play along with this master plan by Jehovah, seemingly knowing nothing about it. Of course they, mere mortals, have the insight about all this and "THE TRUTH." Satan is just clueless. Cracks me up.
Brenda Lee, author, "Out of the Cocoon: A Young Woman's Courageous Flight from the Grip of a Religious Cult" www.outofthecocoon.net
5 - Dave Nalle
The Jehovah's Witnesses were certainly not the main thrust of the article, but they are a perfect example of revivalist movements which move in the direction of pure rat-brained craziness in order to stake out territory for themselves in the era of competing sects.
I also find it interesting that professional JW opponents have the key phrase on permasearch so that they can show up here to comment and promote their causes and/or business enterprises.
Dave
6 - Nancy
Dave, what's 'permasearch'? Also, when you talk about money-grubbing organizations, you missed the Mormons & the RC church. Neither one will leave you with your fillings if you blink.
7 - Lumpy
Amusing. But sad at the same time, because it's clear that the cultists hyped up on god will never really go away. Humans have an unlimited capacity for self-deception.
8 - Christian Peper
By Christian Peper
The Jehovah Witness Watchtower kills kids! The cult is very dangerous and must be exposed! The cult actually pays lawyers and public relations personnel to post on sites like this one!
The Jehovah Witness Watchtower is a big money (billion a year) mind control operation.
The cult has predicted the end of the world numerous times. This has lead many to take their own lives. The cult also practices medieval ritual shunning. By the time one is trapped in the cult they know no one besides other cult members. This also leads to suicide. Because the cult is obsessed with death and destruction long term exposure can lead to murder. There have been many families slaughtered by a long time cult member.
While the cult kills directly through its bogus blood ban, murder, and suicide; the cult also steals lives. Cult members are discouraged from bettering themselves or higher education and must attend many meetings per week. Cult members are only able to focus their lives on selling books and magazines and recruiting new members. Members aren’t allowed to read anything critical of the cult so they don’t think for themselves.
The cult uses mind control techniques to create a nowhere to run, nowhere to hide atmosphere for the members. Members must literally spy on other cult members to ensure that they have not violated cult rules. “Records” of cult members “sins” are kept by headquarters and never destroyed.
The cult breaks up families and manipulates the courts in their favor. Cult members are taught how to lie in court (theocratic warfare) so paternity cases are decided in the favor of cult members. What can you do? Educate yourself. Build awareness of cult mind control.
Protect your family, protect your community.
Helpful websites:
www.freeminds.org www.rickross.com
9 - Dave Nalle
Wow, the article still has virtually nothing to do with the Jehovah's Witnesses, yet from having the name mentioned in it and being on google the cranks keep coming. It's like B5 and Pretty Ricky ferchrissakes.
Dave
10 - BAHHH
You all are a bunch of clouded people. I have known many witnesses, and compared to any other faith out there they try their best to be good christians. You all have been filled with nothing but false information and do nothing but feed each other. Not a single one of you has ever even taken an honest moment meditate and really understand what they are all about. You just assume that you do because you may have been raised around it then went your way when you got older. If you are such fine christians then act like them versus make cliams with no information. There are many other faiths that demonstrate far worse then what you are saying the Witnesses do. Look at the Catholics, Mormons..... come on now...
11 - Dave Nalle
I believe my point in the original article was that all versions of Christianity are equally suspect.
Dave
12 - SteveS
I don't know much about the Witnesses beyond the fact that they have converted laundromats all across the country into recruiting stations, but if a bunch of anti-cultists show up at the mention of their name, I wouldn't dismiss the anti-cultists as cranks but actually consider that perhaps the group is more dangerous than I thought.
Comment 10 says:
If you are such fine christians then act like them versus make cliams with no information.
Nobody on here made any claim as to their own faith, nobody said they are fine christians, bad christians, jews, athiests or anything at all, so I don't know where your comment is coming from however they did provide numerous URLs to websites, links to books and quite a bit of information to back up their claims.
13 - Andy Marsh
Nice post Dave...you do realize you're going to hell for this right???
When I was a kid, my younger bro and me were up one early Saturday morning watching cartoons, like most kids do on Saturday mornings. It was a little before 7am when the caddie pulled into the driveway. There were ruts after rain storms in that old driveway. The house sat up on a hill. The four very large ladies parked at the bottom of the hill and started walking up the driveway. My two dogs, a female german shephard and a male shephard/St. Bernard mix hadn't been out yet that morning. They were friendly dogs, more likely to lick you to death than bite you, but those four ladies didn't know that. My brother and I let those ladies, carrying the watchtower and that other rag, get about 20 feet from the door when I opened it and let the dogs out. I've never seen four big people run that fast in my life!
The only downfall to the whole thing was my pop getting pissed because we woke him up...until he realized why we were laughing so hard! Then life was good again!
For comment #10, please give me the definition of "fine christian"?
I read the Gnostic Gospels a while ago and there was a quote in there that said, "There was only one Christian and he died on the cross." Can't remember who it was, but it was pretty profound.
How many different flavors of christianity are there anyway? I saw A to Z in your article, but I am curious to know if they have more flavors than Baskin robbins!
14 - Dave Nalle
Amusing story, Andy.
How many different flavors of christianity are there anyway? I saw A to Z in your article, but I am curious to know if they have more flavors than Baskin robbins!
Way more than Baskin Robbins, trust me. Probably more than you can count. But I do challenge you to find any besides the now defunct Zwinglians (absorbed into Calvinism) who start with Z.
Dave
15 - Michael J. West
It's like B5 and Pretty Ricky ferchrissakes.
OMG, wassup i love u jesus! U r so HOTT! i have ur picture on my wall at home on ur cross u look so SEXXY with ur shirt off like that! U r sooooooooooo FIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! jesus 1 time i saw u in the passion of the christ the movie and even tho u wuz bleedin i wuz like DAYUM, hes got the prettiest eyes!!! when i heard u wuz come back from the dead i wuz like thass right, cuz hes 2 HOTT to be dead! u r the best jesus, im not obsessed or anything but i love u NE way! call me 555-0397 luv M
16 - Michael J. West
If anybody's going to Hell around here, it's going to be ME.
17 - zingzing
HEY THIS B YOUR GURL ZING-ZING,AND I JUST WANNA SAY I'M SORRY BOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO YOU. SOME GIRLS SHOULD NOT BE OBSESSED OVER A BOY, EVEN IF HE IS THE SON OF MAN (NO OFFENCE). I'M YOUR #1 FAN, BUT I'M NOT THAT OBSESSED OVER U. JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF WHEN U BE GOING ON THEM CROSSES AND STUFF, I DON'T WANT U 2 GET HURT OR NOTHIN. IT IS JUST BECAUSE THOSE OTHER GIRLS CAN GET FEISTY. ANYWAY I HAVE YOUR ADDRESS AND I'M GONNA BE MAILING YALL' SO KEEP IN TOUCH YOUR GIRL,ZING-ZING. LUV[Edited]
18 - SteveS
What's interesting to me is the lack of responses from the faithful on the Right. I try to imagine if a liberal wrote this post. The comment section would be up to comment 200 with major verbal battles about how this is an example of Christians being persecuting going back and forth. Several days after this post is put up by Dave, you hear nothing from the direction of the religious right on this site but the sounds of crickets chirping.
Now that can make one tend to think that religious persecution of Christians in this country is really something made up, in order to pursue a political agenda because it's reserved for when the Left speaks out. Do you think?
19 - RedTard
Because the religious right is not nearly as prevalent or as powerful as the left makes it out to be. Also, those on the left seem way more likely to speak out and argue and be angry about things. Everywhere I go on the net it's constant Bush hating rants from stupidity.
You guys are really creepy and that's while I'll never vote for the socialist government power nuts even when the only other choice is corrupt rich businessmen.
20 - gonzo marx
well Red...somethings for your contemplation...
as for the "Religious Right" and it's influence in our current Administration...
W - born again style, has spoken on the record in favor of much to do with the Religious Right's agenda....from "faith based initiatives" to quashing stem cell research....more if you hunt around a bit, plenty of examples of pandering
Majority Leader of the Senate, Bill Frist - born again, appeared on TV for that Dobson special, also panders quite a bit and speaks on those Issues in the Senate ( under investigation by the SEC for insider trading)
for House Majority Leader DeLay - vociferously born again type, crusader for all of the Religious Right's agenda...( under indictment, and could be more with his prayer buddies Abramhoff and Scanlon {numerous accounts of those three holding prayers together in DeLays offices...very well documented})
as for your fear of "socialists" amongst the demlican gang...i just don't see it...please point out these socialists for me? the vast majority of demlicans are form the same profession as repubocrats...namely lawyers...and i can think of only two or three that might be considered socialists....an exponentially smaller number than the self professed "religious" or social conservatives in House, Senate and WH currently
as for governmental power nuts...might i put for your consideration that this current Administration has done more in the way of nutty power grabs and violations of our Constitutional principles (torture and warrantless taps come to mind, both approved and legally argued for by the current AG, Gonzalez) than any dem administration i can think of
and that's not even mentioning all the pork, corruption and ballooning debt and deficits run up since 2001 under total GOP rule
just my one sixth billionths of the world's Opinion
your mileage may vary
Excelsior!
21 - Nancy
BTW, Dave: liked the article immensely. I don't often agree with you on anything, but I always enjoy most of what you put forth, even when it raises my bp, lol! Good show.
22 - RedTard
"as for your fear of "socialists" amongst the demlican gang...i just don't see it...please point out these socialists for me?"
It is a spectrum, what I consider socialism, most would probably see as reasonable government intervention. Where others see a govt issued free lunch I generally see a trap. A virtue or a flaw depending on your POV.
23 - Nancy
Gonzo, you forgot the most recent convert, McCaine. Didn't he just start sucking up to some televangelist or 'nother? *hawwwwk-spit* So much for HIS chances of getting any votes from me in future elections. How low can you go? And I thought forgiving & sucking up to W made him a cheap whore....
24 - Dave Nalle
Oh man, #s 15 and 17 ought to be made into a whole new satire post. I might do it if I have time. If we could get the B5 and Pretty Ricky people to actually join into a discussion on a post about Jesus as a boy band member it would be hilarious.
I can see the post under the title "Judas Leaves Apostles to Join B5"
Dave
25 - Dave Nalle
What's interesting to me is the lack of responses from the faithful on the Right. I try to imagine if a liberal wrote this post. The comment section would be up to comment 200 with major verbal battles about how this is an example of Christians being persecuting going back and forth. Several days after this post is put up by Dave, you hear nothing from the direction of the religious right on this site but the sounds of crickets chirping.
Now that can make one tend to think that religious persecution of Christians in this country is really something made up, in order to pursue a political agenda because it's reserved for when the Left speaks out. Do you think?
Steve, I'm pretty sure I'm not some sort of sacred cow. I'm not right enough or dogmatic enough or important enough to merit special handling by the religious right. I think they just don't read the comments on any posts but their own. When was the last time you saw Bambenek, for example, commenting on someone else's post?
Plus, the approach in the post is relatively subtle, and it's not clearly anti-Christian. It coudl be taken either way or just fly over their pointy little spinning heads.
Dave