Report by Moon Zuppa Mini-Gazette.
Osama Bin Laden issued a stern warning to conspiracy theorists asking them to "pipe down" as his reputation continues to wane in opinion polls. With the absence of technology, Muslims judge their radical leaders on a Flintstone Scale. A Fred marking means a high approval rating. A Hat-Rocks rating means loss of credibility. Right now, Bin Laden is languishing near the bottom with a Mr. Weirdly rating.
We managed to get parts of the video that was broadcast on Al-Jazeera. "We planned the attacks. We orchestrated the plan to poetic perfection. We're the ones who hurt our coccyx sitting on rocks all day. What the hell do people want, more? We took responsibility on live television! Do they not realize our cost of production? We just want recognition. After all, we are trying to achieve a world revolution here."
Bin Laden took a sip of milk from a local goat and added, "Man, I knew Americans were gullible but I didn't think they were that jaded and cynical. It took me and my officers by surprise. I mean, come on. Do they really think their own government would do such a thing? Maybe the Canadians are behind 9/11? Ever think of that?"
Conspiracy theorists on their part have already begun to wonder about Bin Laden's most recent incoherent rant. "Maybe he's an agent of the CIA. I don't know what to believe anymore. I quit," declared one Internet conspiracy theorist.
This report offers little by way of solving terrorism indeed, but one thing is for sure, Bin Laden has managed - deep within a cave in the most remote part of the world - to keep all suspicious and cynical unbalanced minds on their toes once again. What a media star!