Hollywood heartthrob Orlando Bloom hasn’t had many projects in the works in recent months, much to the dismay of movie fans and young girls everywhere, but just when the naysayers had written him off as a washed-up has-been, Mr. Bloom announced he would be starring in a new film.
The news comes just as Mr. Bloom withdrew from another production, An Education, starring Emma Thompson and Peter Sarsgaard. Instead he will star in the live-action version of the favorite 70’s television show, Hong Kong Phooey. The film will be directed by “the Jerry Bruckheimer of Hong Kong,” Johnny To. According to Bloom’s reps, HKP will be one of the most demanding roles of his career.
“I’ll be doing all my own stunts,” says Bloom. “And I’m not just talking about the kung fu sequences. The most challenging part is when I have to jump into the filing cabinet as Penry, the mild-mannered janitor, and pop out again as the Number One Superguy. I’ve already dislocated my shoulder in rehearsals!”
The project hasn’t been without controversy. Southern Baptists have already threatened to boycott over the proposed love scene between Phooey and Rosemary the telephone operator. “You call it bestiality, I call it art,” Bloom says. “Johnny and I really felt that it was important for Phooey and Rosemary to finally consummate their relationship after all these years. You know, for the sake of realism. It is the 21st century, isn’t it?”
This may be cold comfort to the millions of Gen X-ers who had hoped to take their children to see HKP, so Bloom was quick to put their fears to rest. “Naturally we don’t want to offend anyone, and I am a professional, so it will be very tastefully done. Besides, it’s time American audiences got over their puritanical notions about sex. What’s wrong with having two people physically express their love for one another? It’s beautiful!”
Article comments
1 - Daners
"You call it bestiality, I call it art,"
Fabulous, Mr. Bloom. I need a sound clip of that
2 - Wanda Rizzuto
You want a sound clip of the love scene?
3 - diva
oh my. oh my, my, my. Well. Oh yours, actually. If that's what you want. LOL...daaang you are funny, girl....
4 - Anners
That was brill! Ha! The most challenging role of his career.
5 - Tally
I don't know where you got your information from, but he is doing the Red Circle with Johnny To not Hong Kong Phooey.
6 - Stevo
Maybe he should consider television. America's Next New Top Actor? Although Orly couldn't be a smarmy or moronic as Tyra.
7 - Wanda Rizzuto
Tally, I'm sorry but you're mistaken. My sources assure me that the project is HKP and I assure you that my sources are above reproach.
BTW, did you closely examine the title of this article?
8 - Anners
^ It is soooo called hong Kong Phooey, I just checked the imdb, Telly.
* Look at the ads, Wanda! Hahhahaaha.
9 - Wanda Rizzuto
Late bloomer?
Yeah, seriously, would I be promoting HKP all over Wordpress with a HKP icon if this wasn't for reals? That'd be silly.
10 - Matthew T. Sussman
Tobey Maguire has been cast as Inch High, Private Eye. No camera effects will be needed.
11 - lucinda
great article wanda - had me rolling off my chair..
12 - Joders
Hilarious as usual Wanda!
I'm pre-booking my tickets for the HKP premiere based solely on your article. I don't know how I'll contain my excitement while I wait.
13 - Wanda Rizzuto
I'll see if I can score you a couple of tickets Joders.
Thanks for stopping by everyone. Tell your friends!
14 - Joanne Huspek
Wanda, this was priceless! I take it that some of your venom is derived because the esteemed Mr. Bloom can't be bothered to call his Number One Fan. HKP? I'm still cleaning up the mess from spitting my coffee all over the kitchen.
15 - Wanda Rizzuto
Venom? Moi? Just trying to help a brother out with some free publicity.
16 - Shawn W
Too funny, Wanda!
Guess I'll be boycotting the movie. ;-)
17 - SadieJo
Ermmm, are there any nekkid scenes 'cuz nekkid kung pfu scenes are like, hot.....
18 - Wanda Rizzuto
Of course there will be nekkid scenes. They'll be doing it doggie style.