4) "When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes."
Finally, some practical advice! I'm thinking a giant rabbit costume would be perfect.
5) "In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy...For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act."
That wouldn't work for me. I kinda like worms. A tub full of Republicans might do the trick, though.
6) "In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken."
That sounds just a tad too kinky to be very effective.
7) "Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries."
But don't pray for the missionary position.
8) "Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you."
Perhaps a delightful porno movie...
So that's about it. Actually, there's much more, but I'll let you explore the document further on your own. I hope those of you afflicted with this disease have found this helpful.
I'd like to stick around, but I have to go masturbate.
(This particular dissertation was inspired by my discussion of the topic on my Planet Japan podcast: Episode 125--"Monster Moms on a Rampage." Listen at your own risk.)
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Mike
Your website says "Personal Attacks Are NOT allowed" but then you try to link Mitt Romney to a talk that has absolutely nothing to do with him whatsoever. My goodness some people are desperate to be heard.
2 - Matthew T. Sussman
"Your website says "Personal Attacks Are NOT allowed""
Pertains to comments, and to one another.
"you try to link Mitt Romney to a talk that has absolutely nothing to do with him whatsoever"
Satire!
3 - Doug DeLong
Oh Mikey, Mikey....relax, I'm not attacking Mitt Romney. But when I came across such a ridiculous document, just begging to be mocked, I couldn't help myself. I'm sure Mitt Romney's position on masturbation is very enlightened.
4 - Marci K
Masturbation is the "beginning" step to all sexual deviation/addiction. It spurs in a person selfishness.. especially in a marriage relationship. Although considered "normal" physiologically, etc. it is considered by Mormons and many other religions to be a sin which can lead to "spiritual" destruction. The basis of this instruction is to help those who do believe in the same way, that it is a difficult habit to break, and is worth the effort to resist. I imagine that all people who molest children, rape, and participate in other sexual deviations begin with masturbation. Along with any other addiction, it eventually takes more and more stimulation to achieve the "high" craved, thus leading down the break off paths of sexual addiction. Mormons are teaching that to avoid any such addiction and subsequently more dangerous situations, stop at the beginning. You certainly don't have to believe in it, but "mocking" it seems to teach more about the author of the blog rather than the "ridiculous document".
5 - Mitt Romney
What????? Masturbation is bad? Whoops! Guess I gotta change my views on that now too.
Thanks for informing me of my opinion.
6 - A.L. Harper
Marci, I think you need a good wank.
I grew up a Mormon in Salt Lake City and they are one very uptight group of people.
I think this article was hilarious Doug. Now I'm going to go and have a wank in your honour.
7 - Doug DeLong
Marci said: I imagine that all people who molest children, rape, and participate in other sexual deviations begin with masturbation.
And every alcoholic probably began by drinking milk. Does that mean that if you drink milk, you're going to become an alcoholic? Personally, I believe that child molesters and rapists are more likely to come from the ranks of the sexually repressed than from the ranks of the sexually liberated.
8 - INTJ Mom
I grew up Mormon as well. Marci is just regurgitating what all good little brainwashed morgbots are taught in church, along with the whole never question what the church leaders tell you and "when the prophet speaks, the thinking has been done". I feel more sorry for her than anything else.
9 - Wouldn't you like to know?
Got to love people like you. You have no idea of how destructive masturbation can be. Well I do. For years I masturbated upwards of five times a day, my whole day revolved around that one act and nothing more. I started at three years old and now at 38 I am beginning to get it under control. I attend meetings with men who also suffer from this problem though most of them are surprised to hear a woman can be addicted, even worse than them in this area. Men think they have some kind monopoly on compulsive masturbation-well they don't. Once I started down that road and then I needed more, so it was time to move on to boys after all I needed the real thing. When boys and men weren't enough it was time to move onto women, though lucky for me that never worked out but not for the lack of trying on my part. As my sex addiction picked up so did my masturbation. Until you have been in my shoes don't make light of masturbation. Until you have found yourself consumed by it, along with anonymous sex with random strangers. Until you have been obsessed with doing more dangerous and outrageous things, until your life has been ruled by this, don't you dare sit there and make a mockery out of something you could never understand!
10 - Doug DeLong
don't you dare sit there and make a mockery out of something you could never understand!
Oh, okay. Sorry. My bad. I don't know what came over me.
By the way, I don't suppose you'd care to send me your phone number? No? Okay. I understand.
11 - Doug DeLong
Dear "Wouldn't you like to know?"...
I apologize if my previous reply to your post was a bit flip, but honestly, I wasn't sure if you were putting me on or not.
My article was not meant to mock anyone with a genuine sex addiction, nor was it meant to mock Mormons. The object of my mockery was one incredibly outlandish document from someone dispensing advice that I believe most people would find just plain silly.
I do wonder, though, about people who see masturbation as a sin or as something other than a natural human expression. Show me someone who's never masturbated and I'll show you someone who's probably not much fun at parties.
12 - melinda
Then you have never been to one of my parties! Life doesn't need to be filled with sex addictions, drugs or alchol to be fun. Grow up!!
13 - Doug DeLong
>Grow up!!
I'll grow up if you'll lighten up.
This is what happens when people don't masturbate. They lose their sense of humor.
14 - jack
Funny shit. for what it's worth, Mark E Peterson also said that in 40 years of marriage he'd never seen his wife naked. Poor man. I'd find the link but then all the crazy closet wanking mormons would label me an "anti-mormon" (GASP!). Funny SATIRICAL piece, Mr. Delong, keep 'em cumming... er... coming.
15 - Steve
Doug,
You really had to dig to find this one didn't you? Finding an article on a anti-Mormon website and applying it to Mitt Romney's position on the matter is very disgracefull and dishonest. This article is not "official" Mormon doctrine, and can't be found on any other source other than Anti-Mormon websites. Maybe you should check on some of the morals of your candidates, and tell the world how much they would be better examples than Mitt? Let's see HillBill had the Monica Lewinski scandal, Barack is pro-abortion uptil actual birth, McCain's (RINO) tossed out his first wife because she was a political drawback. Mitt's been married for 38 yrs. to the same women, and has 5 sons. Which do you think has a higher moral standard?
16 - Doug DeLong
Steve said: Mitt's been married for 38 yrs. to the same women, and has 5 sons. Which do you think has a higher moral standard?
Well, obviously Mitt is the most moral man in the universe. And such a good dresser, too.
17 - Matthew T. Sussman
"Mitt's been married for 38 yrs. to the same women"
Best typo of the day.
18 - Dave Nalle
Marci. I say this in all seriousness. You ought to seek some psychological counseling. Your earlier comment is quite disturbing. If your beliefs result from your Mormon upbringing you might want to look into group therapy for cult survivors.
Dave
19 - handyguy
Great find, Doug. Funniest article of the decade so far!
That some commenters are taking it so seriously...well, boggles the mind. And my mind has been boggled enough for one day, what with Giuliani and Edwards dropping out and all. So good night.
20 - REMF
Steve -
Three words: "Mountain Meadows Massacre"
21 - REMF
Wouldn't you like to know -
Will you marry me?
22 - Joel
"Mitt's been married for 38 yrs. to the same women"
Wow! This could lead to another great post!
23 - Carlton
Mark Peterson was a barrel of laughs. Put this in the Googles and see what you get:
"MARK E. PETERSON. Race Problems -- As They Affect The Church"
24 - ostrova
Mountain Meadows Massacre, of course. And the Mormon missionaries in my neighborhood are overjoyed when I remind them about Sonia Johnson. The Church excommunicated her for backing the Equal Rights Amendment. This was a mother of four who played the organ at services, who came from generations of true believers wearing funny underwear. She wrote a book about it, "From Housewife to Heretic". Utah has the highest rate of depression among women in the country. HHMMMM. Also, you might ask the Mittster why it took till the late 1970s for the Latter-Day Saints to raise blacks to equal status. OK, back to the jokes about playing with yourself, and from the size of the Osmond family I think more of it might not be such a bad idea.
25 - The Iceman
I think it's hilarious how something given to us from birth, that helps us REPRODUCE and actually PREVENT PROSTATE CANCER is labeled by the controlling morgbots as destructive and a precursor to rape. Can't help but think in my mind: "Wow. Somebody has been brainwashed by their parents."
Seriously. I wonder why God saw it fit to reward those who masturbate by giving them less likelyhood of prostate cancer. Interesting, huh?
And because there are likely a few LDS reading the internet now that they're not as afraid of it anymore: lose the "anti-mormon" tripe you're always going on about to scare your members in order to keep a closed mind. I went to BYU a few years ago, and it was hilarious. The truth does not fear investigation.