The Mormon method for overcoming your self-abuse habit in eight easy steps.
Okay, it's not exactly Mitt Romney's cure, but if the headline were to read "Mark E. Peterson's Cure for Masturbation," it just wouldn't have the same snap to it. However, the document soon to be under discussion was written by the late Mr. Peterson, who was a member of the Mormon church's important-sounding "Council of the 12 Apostles," and I believe that Mitt Romney, being the good Mormon that he is, would roundly endorse the conclusions of said document.…
Article comments
26 - dMEN
I had a good laugh from this post until I started to read all those fanatic comments. Planet Japan is great stuff!
27 - Wendy
Somebody needs to get a since of humor.
28 - MIKE
LMAO
29 - Billy
Lighten up people. This is a joke.
30 - Zack Williams
Yeah, this is pretty damn funny.
An intersting tid-bit for anyone interested in the Mormon religion. It was the angel Moroni that visited Joseph Smith, and bequeathed the magical golden plates that the whole religion is based on.
Get it: Moron-I... I'm not making this shit up , people. I don't even think somebody could make it up... unless you're name was Joseph Smith
31 - Night Rider
Doug:
1. That was a different time and Peterson was from a long gone generation. I think that generation understood him. It probably would not be written today or it would have been written so your generation could relate.
2. If what Steve says is true that you got that off an anti-Mormon site, that's not good. You can't trust it. Some of the stuff does not seem right. I don't think it would be totally beyond Peterson to write something like that. That is a serious accusation that Steve has loged. You must respond and verify that he really wrote it. You have been challenged. Go for it. Knock yourself out.
3. Everyone likes a good joke. You may not know this but before there legally blonde jokes there were Polok jokes. It is not politically correct to tell Polak jokes or black jokes or Jewish jokes anymore. Why are the Mormons afforded no protection? Can't you say something funny about Ellen White and the Adventists?
4. I'm glad Romney dropped out. His candidacy is what motivated you. (You sound like a Democrat because of your remark about Republicans)Your post is mild compared to what we would have seen.
5. Mormon leaders have a lower incidence of all cancers except prostate cancer. Could that be because they are the only men not doing it? I guess everyone else is doing it.
6. Marijuana and masturbation are similar. They are both harmless except for the obvious lung problems with marijuana. If you do either one in excess you become very nonproductive and underachieve. Could that be what Peterson was trying to explain. Romney overachieved so I guess he is not doing it.
32 - Doug DeLong
Night Rider:
You must respond and verify that he really wrote it. You have been challenged. Go for it. Knock yourself out.
The document is in a lot of different places on the web. I've seen it on anti-Mormon sites, but I've also seen it on pro-religious sites like Light Planet. I've seen messages from Mormons who remember seeing the document in their training manuals. I have seen NO evidence that it's a forgery of any kind. But hey, that's what THE GOOGLE is for. Check it out for yourself.
Why are the Mormons afforded no protection [from jokes]?
As I've said before, I don't see my article as making fun of Mormons. It's mocking what I consider to be a pretty silly view of masturbation and it just happens to be written by a Mormon. I'm pretty sure other religions hold equally silly views.
Can't you say something funny about Ellen White and the Adventists?
Well, I don't know who that is, but I'll give it a shot. Let's see...uh, Ellen White walks into a bar and sees 2 Adventists masturbating...(I'll let you finish the joke.)
I'm glad Romney dropped out. His candidacy is what motivated you. (You sound like a Democrat because of your remark about Republicans)Your post is mild compared to what we would have seen.
Yep, I'm a Democrat. And proud of it. Allow me to extend a cordial invitation to you to join the winning party. Romney really had nothing to do with why I wrote the article. It just made for an amusing headline.
Mormon leaders have a lower incidence of all cancers except prostate cancer. Could that be because they are the only men not doing it?
Assuming you're serious in asking the question, I'm going to go out on a limb and say...uh, no....
Marijuana and masturbation are similar. They are both harmless...
Finally, something we can agree on.
33 - Night Rider
Doug:
Now that I see you got that off the internet, I won’t accept your explanation. Your name is on that article and your reputation along with it. I cannot believe you did what you did.
I don’t recall reading that. Some parts of it don’t seem right. The usual words are not there. It may have been modified. And to think you put your name on that. That’s really poor. You read that and accepted it hook, line and sinker. You got fooled. How do you feel about yourself right now? Steve’s criticism is valid. You are obligated to verify it.
I don’t know how long you have been doing this. I don’t know if you understand this anti-Mormon thing. I have not noticed this phenomena in other religions except a little with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. But nobody fears the Witnesses except for perhaps Michael Jackson. Even the Catholics with all the pedophile priests don’t seem to catch it like the Mormons. You have web sites and 800 numbers where people put in great effort on this stuff. Just walk into one of the Evangelist book stores and you see it right away. I don’t know if you are one of them. (I think not) But you put yourself with them. That is how Mormon’s will view you.
Did you notice that you did not finish the Adventist joke? You couldn’t do it. But you could easily Mormon joke. Allow me to tell you my favorite Pollack joke. (I have lots of Polish friends) “Why did Pollack keep driving around the block? Because, the car’s turn signal indicator was stuck.” Nowadays take out Pollack and put in Blonde or Mormon and you are OK.
There might be something to the masturbation and prostate cancer. I read the article in one of the medical journals. It is the only cancer that is higher in Mormon High Priests.
The only bad thing about excessive masturbation that I can think of is like marijuana. If you do either in excess you will probably underachieve. I see that with the marijuana smokers all the time.
34 - Doug DeLong
Now that I see you got that off the internet, I won't accept your explanation.
Good point. The Internet is obviously a tool of the devil and you shouldn't believe anything that's written there.
I cannot believe you did what you did.
I know. I'm pretty shocked myself.
How do you feel about yourself right now?
Just sick to my stomach. Ashamed and embarrased. Humiliated, actually. I think I'll kill myself.
I don't know how long you have been doing this.
What, masturbating? I just started last week.
You are obligated to verify it.
Well, since Mr. Peterson is no longer with us, I can't ask him about it. But I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll catch a plane to Salt Lake City and see if I can find some of his family members. Maybe they can provide me with his original handwritten notes. After I get them, I'll make a copy for myself and send the originals to you. And don't worry, I'll find a handwriting expert who can verify that it really is Mr. Peterson's handwriting, because I don't want to leave any doubt in your mind. That wouldn't be fair to you.
I see that with the marijuana smokers all the time.
Do your Mormon friends know that you hang out with pot smokers? Have they led you down the sinful path of smoking dope? Are you, indeed, a pothead? Now is the time to confess your sins, Mr. Rider, if you want to go to heaven.
Say Amen.
35 - Night Rider
Doug,
Since this thing you wrote is a parody you have some latitude and a little poetic license. However, this website has some journalistic standards to it. You violated those standards when you accepted without question a piece allegedly written by Mark E. Peterson. And you got it on an anti-Mormon website which found it on a “tattered photocopy.” I don’t think your piece meets the standards of the Blogcritics.org.
I just read the whole thing. I have read him before and heard him speak. That is not him. He usually heavily quotes the scriptures. Whoever wrote this obviously does not know the scriptures or they would have attempted to put some in there.
You are a victim of and have perpetuated upon us a fraud.
I am displeased with your work and that blogcritics.org would permit you to do this.
36 - Doug DeLong
My my, you really do have your secret underwear in a bunch, don't you?
The Peterson document is not a parody, although I suspect that your comments might be. The fact that you are displeased with my work just tears me up inside, but with some professional counseling I'm pretty sure I'll get over it.
Speaking of couseling, you might want to see someone about your rampant paranoia. You seem to think that everyone's out to get you and your religion. If you don't want to see a professional, at least go to your doctor and have him prescribe some chill pills for you. As a last resort, you might want to consider surgery to get that stick surgically removed from your ass.
Say Amen.
37 - Night Rider
You have avoided the heart and substance of my criticism of your work.
You have also been disrespectful.
This disrespect is an attempt to obfuscate because you cannot respond intelligently to my criticism.
Look. You are obviously young. This may be your first attempt at some form of journalism. You created a political satire directed at Romney. You did not check things out first.
We all like good jokes and satire. I love good polygamy jokes because I am a product of polygamy. My Mexican friend tells me Mexican jokes and my black friend tells me black jokes that I could never repeat. They are funny. It has to be done correctly and perhaps by someone of that ethnicity or social group. A good example is that blacks can use the N word whereas whites cannot. As someone with antipathy towards Mormons, you should probably not have undertaken this project.
Maybe you will learn from this.
38 - Doug DeLong
You have also been disrespectful.
Well, maybe just a little. I can be a cheeky little monkey sometimes.
Look. You are obviously young.
Well, thank you for saying so, but I suspect that most people wouldn't classify a 58-year-old man as "young." If you click here, you'll see my picture. I'm the elderly gentleman at the top of the page. Feel free to listen to my cheeky little podcast while you're there. In fact, you may find my 2-part interview with a couple of young Mormon missionaries of interest.
This may be your first attempt at some form of journalism.
Nope...look's like you're 0 for 2 now.
You created a political satire directed at Romney.
Wrong again. It was a satire, but it clearly wasn't political and it clearly had nothing to do with Mitt Romney. Did you even read what I wrote?
As someone with antipathy towards Mormons, you should probably not have undertaken this project.
You know what? I really don't have antipathy for Mormons. I have a very "live and let live" attitude towards people who choose to believe in whatever. When it comes to religion, though, I think most of them are pretty silly and sometimes downright dangerous. In fact, I think the world would be a much better place if there were no religions at all.
Finally, although I suspect that nothing I offer will be good enough to convince you of the genuine nature of Peterson's piece, I did run across something interesting in the snopes.com forum. It's an entry from the library catalogue at Brigham Young University:
======================
Keep your hands to yourself : excerpts from Steps in overcoming masturbation: a guide to self-control, a pamphlet by the late Mormon Elder Mark E. Petersen
Petersen, Mark E.
Personal Author: Petersen, Mark E.
Uniform title: Steps in overcoming masturbation. Selections
Title: Keep your hands to yourself : excerpts from Steps in overcoming masturbation: a guide to self-control, a pamphlet by the late Mormon Elder Mark E. Petersen.
General Note: Sidebar of the article "Wild Palms" / Rob Tannenbaum.
General Note: Xerox copy.
Subject term: Chastity.
Subject term: Sex--Religious aspects--Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
In: Details, May 1995, p.71
Holdings
HBLL Special Collections
Copy Material Location
BX 8608 .A1a no.7715 1 AMERICANA Americana Collection - 1130 HBLL
====================
39 - Night Rider
Doug,
I understand you now. You are a humorist. That explains why I thought you were so young.
Knowingly or not you thrust yourself into this genre of anti-Mormon writers. That is what Steve and I thought. They can be brutal and vicious. I have never understood them. Why do they expend so much time, energy and money to “save” someone from a religion that is different but produces people like Matt and Jeff and Mitt Romney? You clearly are not like them.
I apologize. I misread you.
I think you found something funny and you wanted to poke fun at it. That is O.K. Masturbation and farting are always funny. Do you remember that scene from Blazing Saddles? Throw in a little religion and that is funny as well.
Back then they wrote a lot of pamphlets about sensitive topics. It was not a pamphlet, but I remember reading about incest. I don’t think they would do that today. It was a different world then. Successful religions have to adapt. I still have concerns about the “Peterson” pamphlet. It is not written in his usual style. Maybe he did write it.
Thank you for sharing your faith. We all live by faith, even those without faith have to live by it.
I enjoyed your interview with Matt and Jeff. You treated them with respect and I thought that they handled themselves well.
40 - Doug DeLong
I understand you now. You are a humorist. That explains why I thought you were so young.
What? Old people can't be funny?
Why do they expend so much time, energy and money to "save" someone from a religion that is different?
I think most of the so-called anti-Mormon groups are made up of people who used to be Mormons, but for one reason or another, left the church. I imagine it can be traumatic to leave behind and lose faith in something that you've believed all your life, so I think these groups provide a sense of community for them and lets them communicate with people who have gone through the same experience.
I apologize. I misread you.
Yeah. That seems to happen to me a lot.
I think you found something funny and you wanted to poke fun at it.
I think we've reached the crux of the matter.
I enjoyed your interview with Matt and Jeff.
Yeah, they were nice. Certainly better dressers than me.
41 - Night Rider
Doug,
I’ve been waiting and hoping that someone would walk over to the Harold B. Lee Library and copy and post that pamphlet. But I guess not. Nobody contributes to this blog anymore
I keep thinking about something you wrote. I thought to let it go but I keep thinking about it. Like it or not you thrust yourself into this, so you should know. Sorry about the length of it but you inspired it.
“I think most of the so-called anti-Mormon groups are made up of people who used to be Mormons, but for one reason or another, left the church”
This is true for groups like the Salamander Society folks. Then there are notables like Will Bagley, Sonia Johnson. They are significant but a small group of anti-Mormons
Will Bagley’s “I don’t like Brigham Young” mindset inspired his historically implausible book that led to the movie September Dawn. It was paned by historians and shunned by Mormons, the intended audience. Sonia Johnson was paraded in-your-face style on national TV at a Democratic Convention.
Most Mormons like me who have left the church are indifferent but retain the culture. We also maintain an allegiance to the church. I tend to defend the church or my ancestors when I see them get a raw deal. That is why I contended with you.
I don’t meet too many Mormons who convert to another sect of Christianity. Evangelical Christianity is to Mormonism what DOS is to Windows. Why would you go back? So you’re correct where else can these disaffected ex-Mormons go? Nowhere.
Most anti-Mormon’s that I have met and heard about are Evangelicals. Here are some anecdotes:
• You’ve heard of “Driving while black”. Well, how about “Running for President while Mormon”. I could not believe what the Evangelicals were saying on TV. Do you remember the Evangelical who refused to shake Mitt Romney’s hand? Then there was the Huckabee slur in the New Yorker (?) magazine. We got the message.
• My good friend’s late mother was an Evangelical. I was talking in Spanish with the maid. She about had a hernia and broke her arm getting me away from her because she thought I was talking religion. Some would have taken offence. I still laugh today about it.
• My sister is really nice and her daughter is really cute. There was a highly regarded Evangelical preschool where she attempted to enroll her daughter. She was told that they accepted all religions except Mormons. The lady proceeded to toss her a pamphlet with instructions to give it to any of her non-Mormon friends
• Whenever I am around an Evangelical minister, and they come to me often, I try to keep quiet about my religion, which is hard to do around them. They always try to save me. Bless their souls.
How did we get here? As the Mormon Church formed there was violence on both sides. But then the Church became accepted and reached a high point when President Johnson gave one of the three inaugural flags to the Mormon President David O. McKay. He kept one himself and gave the other to the Vice President.
You may or may not know all this. Perhaps you don’t care. But your words inspired my thoughts.
42 - Night Rider
Doug,
I don't know if you are still out there.
On a serious note, this is what I was talking about earlier. Mormon male leaders are lower in all forms of cancer except one: Prostate cancer. This study explains it. These leaders are not doing it. They are not masturbating because the Church leaders (Mark E. Peterson) inculcate from a very young age not to do it.
“Men who frequently masturbate appear to have a lower risk of developing prostate cancer, Australian researchers reported.
Researchers from the Cancer Council of Victoria found that men who masturbated more than five times each week were one-third less likely to develop the cancer.
The study surveyed 1,000 men who developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who did not, and all were between the ages of 20 and 50, according to a report on Monday on the gay and lesbian news site PlanetOut.
Researchers told the BBC last week that the prostate produces one of the fluids involved in ejaculation and that frequent masturbation appears to flush out carcinogens”.
And now you know.