Won’t this bill hurt the entertainment industry?
No. For example, if celebrities don’t get hooked on drugs, they won't have to go to rehab for three months, and those three months can be used to shoot another movie or record another music album. And if celebrities aren’t drunk or high, they might show up for work and actually remember their lines or the lyrics to the song they’re trying to record. Movies and albums could be produced in half the time it currently takes. And in the long run, live celebrities are better for the entertainment industry than inactive or non-live celebrities.
Won’t celebrities resist this program?
We expect they will, but we are prepared for that. First, we will cut off the celebrity’s credit cards. This will force the celebrity to return home quickly, where we will be waiting. Using nuns, border collies, and talk show hosts, we will capture the celebrity and force them into the program.
Doesn’t your program violate the celebrities’ civil rights?
Yes, but is it better to respect a whale’s civil rights or is it better to save its life? Although they’re not on the official list, celebrities are definitely an endangered species. And let’s not forget that we’re doing this for their own good.
Hasn’t there been an increase in the celebrity population over the last ten years?
Yes, but like many species, celebrities are endangered by modern civilization and loss of habitat, and they live in a fragile ecosystem.
Will politicians be considered celebrities?
No, the only way we could get enough votes to pass this bill was to exclude politicians.
Do you have any plans to expand this bill to a national level?
Yes, we are working with Senator Barbara Boxer and Representative Mike Thompson to get a similar bill passed in Congress. Although most celebrities live in California, we have to protect all celebrities wherever they may live.
How will you get the word out on this new program?
Actually, we’re not going to do any advertising because it will scare off the celebrities and they could end up running off to Vegas. We do have a slogan though: There are no fans in hell.
That’s different.
I thought of it myself.
Thank you, Assemblyman Hughes.
Article comments
1 - Joanne Huspek
If only this had passed before MJ passed... Too bad.
2 - Ruvy
I object to this! This kind of frivolous spending by government wastes the valuable dollars I run off my pinting press each morning! My rghts are being violated! My lefts are being violated! This is unfair!
3 - Dr Dreadful
Down with this sort of thing!
4 - The Crow
There is a provision in the bill that the celebrities will be billed for all services.