Church bell ringing during thunderstorms, although happily ineffective, was the preferred method of disposal of these heretics. According to Ronald W. Clark's Benjamin Franklin, lightning struck three hundred and eighty-six churches, killing one hundred and three bell ringers, during a thirty-three year period. There was no way to escape the will of God then, and there is none today!
How can we, mere mortals (despite the divine inspiration graciously given to me, and which I humbly and generously share now with the readers of my holy word), further the causes of My Wondrous Temple? Doubtless, there are those who will say that there is no need for us to do so, because the inherent wickedness of humankind will suffice.
There was an opposing, but dangerously unfortunate, error on the part of the Manicheans, who believed that the inherent goodness of humans would induce them to cease breeding. The human population of the world having increased almost exponentially in recent years, we are now privileged to see the sublime, albeit benign, error of these hopeful but opposing beliefs.
Rather than pursue false doctrine and hope, we True Believers must do all that we can to bring to fruition the goals of the Persian prophet Mani (the beloved founder of the Manichean religion), may his holy name be praised, as articulated in the latter half of the third century. Contrary to the persistent rumors spread for centuries by The Evil Ones, it is only a coincidence that the word “Maní” in Spanish means nut, or more precisely, peanut.
Let us repent, and recognize that humankind must be eradicated. Arise, people of the Earth; You have nothing to lose but your lives!
Please be generous when the hat is passed; you may rest assured that your donations were not used either to purchase my Hummer or to build my 9,900 square foot humble abode, modeled after (but much smaller than) the palace of Saint Al the Gored, in the Holy City of Nashville. Give! Give until it hurts! You won't be able to take it with you. Bishop Dan
Article comments
1 - Ruvy
My dear Bishop Dan,
If you succeed in your quest you will have reached 0 followers. Maybe, you'll feel better is we add a few zeros to that number: 000,000 followers. When reaching that state and called upon by your divinity to make the ultimate (and perfect) sacrifice, you will likely be chanting, "oooohhh shhhhit!" - but having 000,000 followers, you will not be heard to have chanted....
At such a state, you will have attempted to reached a condition of shunyata - and will have failed.
Mazel tov!
2 - Dan Miller
Ah, yes, brother Ruvy
But that is the whole point. For Mother Earth to survive, there can no longer be humans! That is a sacrifice we must all make, all glory be to Mani, may his holy name be praised.
Bishop Dan
3 - troll
so...why is this labeled 'satire' - ?
4 - Dan Miller
Dear Brother Troll,
I am delighted beyond words that you accept the reality of my divinely inspired message. I have hopes that many others will accept my reality and become my disciples at this critical moment.
Again, please be generous when the hat is passed.
Please excuse me; I need to go take my meds.
Bishop Dan
5 - Joanne Huspek
Where do I send my contribution?
6 - Dan Miller
Joanne,
Bless you my daughter. I am now in the process of setting up off-shore accounts in Nigeria and Somalia, and as soon as the process is completed I will let you know.
Yours in the bowels of Mani,
Bishop Dan
7 - Dan Miller
The heathen are now trying to undo our good works. Read what they say, lest you be unaware of the evils around you. It is not too late. Read now! Be aware. Be prepared! Only we true followers of the Great Prophet Mani, may his holy name be praised, can stop this wicked interference with his divinely inspired revelations.
Repent and use Ethanol. It is only meet and right that ye should so do.
Bishop Dan
8 - Clavos
Now then, Bishop. Ye'd be readin' Steyn, would ye?
Welll, ye can't be all bad, despite what all them blokes is sayin'.
9 - Dan Miller
Clav,
It all depends, of course, on the meaning of be.
As to what all them blokes is sayin', I pray that they are using ethanol. The evil of prohibition was that it discouraged the use of food products to make the devil's brew. Fortunately, under my inspired guidance, the members of my holy Temple use corn whiskey for sacramental purposes, as did some early adherents during the wicked years of prohibition. Sacramental corn whiskey is available at all times before, during and after our holy services, and the devout come often to our Temple for spiritual comfort.
Bless you, my son.
Bishop Dan
10 - Andy Marsh
I especially like the "yours in teh bowels of Mani" greeting!
I'll join, but can I get a job like usher or something along those lines? I mean, there surely should be some folks that deserve head of the line priviledges here!!!
11 - Dan Miller
Andy,
But of course, my son. There are, however, conditions: you must arrive in a private jet aircraft and present yourself at my glorious Temple in a Hummer or other appropriate vehicle, preferably fueled by corn-based ethanol.
May the true spirit of Mani be upon you and yours.
Bishop Dan
12 - Andy Marsh
Guess it's time to dump the ole' 'lectric bike I got then!!!
13 - Dan Miller
Here is a recently released list of some of the disasters caused by global warming.
We must repent! Even now it may be too late.
Bishop Dan
14 - Jeannie Danna
I don't get satire apparently.:(