• The Supreme Court announced they will review partial-birth abortion. But here's the horrible part. They said eight months into deliberating the case, they will probably end up not ruling on it.

There, that was my obligatory non-sports joke.

• After stumbling in a race last week, speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno shook off the label of "disappointing athlete" and won gold in the 500m short track. Of course, this upset several sportswriters, because they couldn't use the obvious "Oh no!" pun in their headlines. Still, they were elated to see blunders from British luge participant Andrew Goddammett, German cross-country skier Niklas Schitt, Croatian figure skater Danko Fellova, Russian bobsledder Anastasiya Skiddedov, Italian snowboarder Maurizio Nastispilli, and Japanese curler Miyuki Oopsidaisi.

• In tennis, Justine Henin-Hardenne beat Maria Sharapova for the championship at the Dubai Open, earning her ownership to a future U.S. seaport.

• In basketball, noted Detroit Pistons bench-warmer Darko Milicic was part of a trade to the Orlando Magic. President Bush threatened to veto any legislation blocking this trade, noting that Milicic would "be an ally in the Magic's frontcourt."

• In junior middleweight boxing, Shane Mosley beat Fernando Vargas on a technical knockout. The rules clearly state at no point in the match are you allowed to resemble Sloth from The Goonies.

• CORNBALL JOKE ALERT: A zoo in Jerusalem, concerned about overpopulation of their giraffes, has put one on birth control. The zookeeper said he's fine with them just necking.

• And finally, it seems that there are rumors that Iraq may break out into civil war after the Shia Shrine was blown up. Now, nobody wants this to happen, but I say this is a good sign for the development of Iraq as a great nation.

Think about our history. Our Constitution was ratified in 1789. Then, 72 years later, our civil war began in 1861 and lasted five years.

Now think about Iraq's new government. Their new constitution was ratified on October 15 of last year. Let's assume that civil war breaks out on March 15. That's a five month span between constitution and civil war — much more efficient than America's progress!

So, by following the proportions of our history's milestones, the Iraq civil war will only last 10.7 days, ending sometime on the evening of March 24. Then, in late August, they will bomb Hiroshima. In early October, they'll land on the moon. And by Christmas all of their McDonald's will have spicy chicken.

Matthew T. "Matt" Sussman only averages 1.7 points per game fewer than Darko Milicic.

Article Author: Matthew T. Sussman

Sussman is the sports editor of BC Magazine and the executive editor of Technorati. He also writes for Deadspin and Toledo Free Press. He and Tuffy can be heard hosting the Treehouse Fort, Sundays at 7 p.m. ET. Plus, he Twitters. …

Visit Matthew T. Sussman's author page — Matthew T. Sussman's Blog