I am currently recovering from surgery I had a few weeks ago. While I won’t bore you with the details of the affliction that occasioned the subcutaneous intrusion, I will say that it isn’t the first time I've been cut, and in fact I've been cut so many times now that I consider myself an expert in the general area of inpatient surgical procedures. As a public service for those who are facing their first experience with surgery and a hospital stay, I thought I would offer a few tips that might make the experience less stressful.
Don’t go into the hospital thinking that it will be a restful experience. Hospitals are full of people whose job it is to keep you awake. No one is ever allowed to sleep in a hospital except hospital employees, who must sleep in the hospital because they’re never allowed to go home.
Hospital employees have secret devices that tell them when any patient in the building has fallen asleep and as soon as you drift off, no matter what time of day it is, someone will come in and wake you up. They’ll do this under the guise of performing some sort of necessary treatment or service, whether the treatment or service is actually necessary or not. One time I had just fallen into a sound and much-needed sleep when a nurse shook me said that it was time to take a sleeping pill, and I’m not kidding.
If it’s not a nurse, a phlebotomist, or some kind of technician waking you up (or making sure you don’t go to sleep in the first place), it will be a housekeeping person who believes that he or she can change your bedding while you’re still in the bed.