Dear Elsa,
Where to start? In November 2005 I met a great man. We hit it off right away and things progressed quickly. Within four months we were living together and engaged. My family and friends loved him and he seemed perfect to everyone.
What they didn't know was that he was verbally abusive and bad tempered. Not a day went by where I didn't get yelled at and called pathetic, an idiot, moron, stupid, bitch, lazy, and many others. I would get yelled at and called names for things like spilling dry cat food when filling the dish or the tap dripping in the tub.
I loved him even through all this and he said the same. After four months, he suddenly ended it out of nowhere and I found myself upside down and living in a hole. Now, after a few weeks, he is begging me back, saying he misses me and still loves me, that we just need to take things slow to make it better.
After we broke up, I confided in my family about the verbal abuse so they are against me even speaking to him. He says he knows his mistakes and wants to try again. Should I trust him again? Can abusive men change?
Sincerely,
Jaded
Dear Jaded,
Excuse me, but what the hell? What was “great” about this man again? His facade? Was that it? He tricked everyone for about a minute. Or rather, you tricked everyone by not reporting his abuse of you.
Riddle me this, okay? Why in the world would you go back to him? Give me one reason. Just one reason why you would go back to someone you know to be abusive when there are millions of men in this world?
Obviously, I think this would be a stupid choice. Dumber than dumb. But if you would like to go ‘round again, if you would like to have some bastard yell at you about cat food, then go ahead. You know where to find one. And while you do that, I’m going to hang with a loving man, if you don’t mind. Because life is hard enough without sleeping with a jackass.
Good luck.
Article comments
1 - cristine
I'm in the same situation. I'm 2 1/2 months pregnant with my bf who is a pisces. But he is so cold to me, and short-tempered. He will also yell at me about just little things. He treats me like a little girl, and he is very controlling. What happened to the whole belief that pisces men are romantics? Coz the one I have ain't anything like it.
2 - Henry Bergson
Cristine,
Leave this man. He is not exhibiting typical "pisces" behavior because there is no such thing. Astrology is bullshit, just a diversion, and any advice you receive that references tour "sign" should be ignored.
Find a man who respects you and does not abuse or hurt you. This is what you deserve as a person. Short-tempered and controlling men will end up hurting or killing you and your baby a HUGE percentage of the time.
3 - friends
why would you do that i think it is stupid and i dont think you should do that because it is just going to end up where you end up in the hospital or something and then you are going to ask your self why did i do this.
4 - Mary
Will you people stop with the trite "advice". The nature of love is incredibly complex and not always sensible. Please spare her your self righteous, subjective advice and stop being hard on her for loving someone who is undeserving of her love. Love, as they say, is blind, and she needs better advice than what has been given here. I am specially disappointed with the advice given by Elsa. Lady, I sincerely hope you have not quit your day job to do this full time. You suck!
Cristine hon, there are many other wonderful sensitive, courageous, brave, loving men out there in this world that you don't need to settle for one who is abusive and cruel. Facts are facts, and if this man is treating you with little respect and regard for your feelings than he is simply not in the mental, emotional and, psychological position to offer you the love you deserve.
My advise to you is.. don't waste your time and let him be. You probably have already given him many chances to prove himself (no one is perfect in this world, everyone deserves a second chance, that is true) but if he has consistently failed than there really is no reason to consider taking him back. You would be doing yourself more harm than good and naturally you would do much better on your own than you would having someone who is abusive and psychologically damaged in your life. People like that rarely change.
5 - anonomyous
I have also been involved with an abusive man..verbally and physically..hair pulling, pushing, grabbing me, pushing me down, name calling, swearing..but sometimes he can act very attentive, cook for me, etc....so it is not that easy to get away for some reason
6 - Major Anonymous Always in Fear
You're all dear to take your time....
I would suggest a book which helped me after I was in too far to get out without tremendous scars. And even at that, I'm NOT out, because when it got UGLY was when our daughter was on the way.... When you have a child with one of these abusers, you are in it for life.
The book which has helped my sanity is by Dr. Sam Vaknin. Malignant Self-Love; Narcissism Revisited.
You will learn of the love/hate game these abusers play, and how they charmingly manipulate those who they have NOT chosen as "target" victims.
GOOD LUCK.....you need it.
If there is NO child yet....run...and don't doubt yourself... Get out NOW while you still can. Once an abuser targets you, he does not change.