Today I bought a bigger mailbox. Well, I had to. No, it's not spam. It's Republicans. They've seen my blog, read the paper, I don't know. They're mad and they want me to know it. They want me to tell their side.
I spent $10 on Yahoo because they're angry. Makes me a little angry myself. I've never spent a dime for email until now. Like any good liberal, I'm a freeloader.
I've never seen so many Americans pile on in print like this. It's a good thing for both parties. Democracy in action. Free speech. Typing practice.
However, it would be wise for all of us to practice staying unemotional. This is much easier to do online than in real life. It's just a matter of putting a piece of duct tape over the enter button.
The pause is the thing. It has saved me untold hours of defense.
Who needs the endless firing back and forth of pixilated salvos? Not me. I'm a compulsive replier. If you're stupid enough to send me mail that somebody else wrote, then you're going to get a nice long personal reply. And make no mistake: for every word you send I will bury you in ten. I am a monster. See my fingers fly. I could be 2,000 miles away, but before I hit that enter key, your self-esteem will be pancaked, buster — if you didn't delete me. Please don't delete me.
Republicans, I beg of you. Stop it. I'm sorry. I'll switch sides. I'll do anything. I don't have time to argue. I must spend more time in the Oval Office (what I call my john) due to blockage. My time for political philandering has expired.
I know how to flip-flop. Bill Clinton taught me. It's a simple matter of grabbing her feet and twisting in a semicircle. Her body will follow. But be careful: if she's a democrat her ankles will be extremely thick and likely hairy — get a grip — and don't be surprised if she's a lesbian, or even a man, because you never know what you're going to get in the Liberal's Sampler.
This is not an easy decision for me. There will be sacrifice. I realize that Republicans have sex but don't like it and don't want anybody else to have it, especially if it involves their filthy mouths and virus-encrusted tongues, but I'll give it a try if you'll just leave me and my gay friends and poor friends and racially-challenged friends alone.
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