The truth of the facts of the case are thus;
When a fella gets sufficiently bruised and battered, when he's been kicked in the teeth so often and with such ferocity that he finds himself having to chew food through his ears, what often occurs is that he turns to crime.
The Duke turned to crime, is what, possibly the worst crime that can ever be committed by a fella with access to his arsehole and a word processor.
Self Indulgence.
A heavy intake of collective breath. They know the score these people.
I got through it with the help of my sponsor, Spring 2005.
It's now fast approaching July, Batman's already hit theaters, Fuck Forever by Babyshambles is less than a month from release, roughly half of Big Brother has been and gone, the savage purple still smiles at me.
And stood by Spring's bedside, it hooked up to a machine that keeps it stocked on Woody Guthrie tunes till it can finally leave, I say about how it was the most amazing Spring ever, man.
Sitting on the carpet, I start to tell all about this theory for how a man might safely take a journey to his arse without fear of getting stuck.
What it involves is being shrunk like in Inner Space, then injected into the body of a male escort. The male escort then goes back in time and makes filth with you from a fortnight ago. You shoot out his extortionately-priced body and zoom around your arse from a couple weeks back in a tiny space-craft type thingy.
Take in the sights. All those pretentious writings and songs and thoughts safely tucked away in the rectal filing cabinets where no one can ever find them.
Eventually you need to fly around to the filth-glands and convince yourself to give one in return to the male escort.
This accomplished, he returns to the present, cracks one off into a solvent-based fluid, and you should be back to normal before the nights out.
Spring just sighs.
Sweet Jesus, it says, I never in my fucking life craved Summer with such intensity.
Thanks folks.
The Duke resides at Mondo Irlando
Article comments
1 - Temple Stark
Is this your audition tape for Innerspace II?
2 - Eric Berlin
Great stuff, Duke.
So what's next now that you've sprung free well into summer?
3 - Mat Brewster
Up here in the furthest reaches of The Duke's Arse, though, that winter gets painted all shades of metaphorical, and metaphorically, it was the harshest winter a motherfucker ever endured.
Beautiful, beautiful stuff, Duke.
4 - swingingpuss
The post was as pleasurable as a quick illict scatch on the arse ;-)
5 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Thank folks.
Temple - You rumbled me! I'm hoping to play the part of Dennis Quaid acting as The Duke.
Eric B - i have no idea where summer is goin to be takin a fella. someplace less internal, i'm hopin. who knows?
Mat - Thank you, man.
And Swingingpuss - That was EXACTLY my aim, in those very words ;)
6 - Eric Berlin
Man, I'd love to see an Inner Space sequel with The Duke in the lead role.
7 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
haha Eric, i'm hoping you'll use your power for to get me into a room with dennis quaid. i can persuade him.
8 - Greg Smyth
It says "Look here, a ring. Where's yours? Oh, sorry, forgot. If You See Her, Say Hello�"
Perfect, man. Perfect.
9 - Bennett
Kinda held off reading this, just knowing that it was there for me, when the time was right, when I had the time. So now its 95 fucking degrees outside, and I go out there to cool down.
There's a puddle of sweat on the floor under my chair, cause reading The Duke while eating hot shrimp soup in 110 degrees of humidity (the darkened room doesn't make it cooler you know) tends to make rivers and oceans run from all parts of my body.
But your words make me remember the cool breezes of Spring, annihilated by this brute of a Summer Sun that's baking my itchy feet in some kind of Inquisitorial torture.
But the memories you have me recall, memories of a time before the ground baked so hot that it cracked, those memories, they make me cooler for a while.
Thanks Duke.
10 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Greg and Bennett, thank you!
Greg - sometimes Bob says all there is to say about any given situation, alas...
Bennett, i'm glad you enjoyed it, man. i always feel guilty after flinging stuff this self-indulgent online, but if it keeps those puddles runnin (hah) then what harm can there be? scacely ANY, i'd wager