Who knows what he was thinking and feeling during his last few days when he couldn't speak because he was intubated and medicated, but I made a point of reading the newspapers just like old times, as if somehow that would help. Like him, though, I had trouble concentrating. He asked for the newspapers to be left by his side whenever I would go away for a break but they were untouched when I’d return. The last time I left a newspaper was the last time we discussed the articles.
Within a week he was dead and I flew from California back to Maryland, where I returned to work. At some point I realized I could no longer rebel against him since he was no longer there, and I found myself emulating the parts of his personality that I admired. In the months after his death, I would find myself interviewing someone and hear a reference to engineers and I'd think of him. I'll read an article or an editorial and think, “Dad would get a kick out of this.” And then I remember he's gone and feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. And for a minute, my world seems to slow down and I get mad at others for moving at a regular pace as if things haven't changed so much for me. Then I resume working, knowing that he's up there looking down on his reporter son, cranking out more stories that, one day, we can discuss and debate. I owe him that, I think.
So here, Dad, is one more to set aside for future discussion.
Article comments
1 - chancelucky
Scott,
I'm sorry to hear about your father's passing. It was very touching to hear about the way the newspaper served as a touchstone for communication in your relationship. I could see the pile of papers grow in the room as a measure of how he was slipping away.
My dad and I used to read the same things often and I didn't realize how much it meant to me until many years after he died.
2 - chantal stone
The death of a parent is never easy, at any age.
You're lucky, Scott, that you have those fond memories of your father, sharing the newspaper, discussing stories. Moments like those are immeasurable.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
3 - Jared
I'm mostly a lurker in this community, but I felt compelled to just say that this has been a piece of reading that has made my day a bit brighter. I'm glad you were able to form such memories with your father. It's just too bad they couldn't go on forever. I bet he's real proud of you, Scott, wherever he is now.
4 - Scott But
I had mostly negative memories and thoughts of dad until he died and then I realized it was hard to hate and rebel a void where he had been and found myself over time remembering the good times and leeting my complaints fall away.
Like he may not have been emotional but he did teach me good habits like reading and discussing hte news
5 - Scott Butki
I put at my fotolog site a photo of my dad reading newspapers - much as I do.
6 - Scott Butki
Just read this aloud at a open mike nite and it was well received.
It reminded me of a saying I heard once about writing: It's easy - you just put a needle in your veins and write about what comes out.
7 - Scott Butki
I'm reviving this as I'm writing a related piece.