Redefining 'Stupid' Takes Talent

Sometimes a story just haunts you. You try not to write about it, but it keeps popping back up in your mind. You decide, “If I only do more research on it, I will realize there is nothing there and move on.” You read more on the topic and find it keeps getting better and better. Now you have no choice. You must write the story and lower your standards.

 I feel so dirty doing this, but these people are just so damn stupid, I cannot help it.This is the tale of Chelsea Carr and Mark McIntosh. Chelsea is 17 and Mark is 34. I think that is their IQ’s and not their ages. These are quite possibly the worst criminals in the history of world justice.

They are under arrest and facing felony charges of armed robbery for holding up a second-hand clothing store called Underground Clothing in Ann Arbor, Michigan on August 6th of this year. Their robbery is a step-by-step manual for writing a crime caper.On Friday, August 4th, our bumbling idiots entered Underground Clothing to buy some clothes. She shopped around, tried on shoes, and picked out a few things. She asked the sales clerk to place the items on hold and gave her name and phone number.

Mark appeared drunk to the clerk the entire time and eventually got into the clerk’s face, then bought a tee-shirt. The couple left and that was just another weird encounter for the clerk. They happen. I used to work sales and the people you meet are usually freaks in one way or another.After not seeing the freak show duo all of Saturday, the clerk decided to call the number. Chelsea answered the phone and told him they would be there later to buy the clothes. They showed up around seven and immediately Mark took out his gun and demanded all the cash. It was a whopping $60. Then Chelsea entered and the two began “shopping.” They filled up six bags with various crap over their 45-minute spree. Then it got weird.Mark told the clerk to get on his knees. The clerk did. Mark told Chelsea to get on her knees. Chelsea did. Mark told Chelsea to... how can I put this in a decent way? Mark told Chelsea to ease the tension of the moment or else he would be killing the clerk. She relived the tension in a monstrous two minutes (you stud) and they left.While no criminal mastermind, I can think of a couple of things they maybe should not have done, the first being the big, obvious one: never rob a store you shop at. I mean of course the sales clerk will know you if you shop there. If he doesn’t know you, never give him your name and number if you are planning on robbing the place. The key to not being caught is for no one to know you did it. If you give them your name and number, it is safe to assume they will know it is you.Let’s say you have already started the robbery and it happens to be a store you have shopped at before and you sort of gave them your name and number, what do you do now? Well, you are screwed to be honest. You are a really bad criminal and probably should try for a Darwin Award, but not right now.

Article Author: Brad Schader

I have been told by my friends that I am a politics junkie with a Ph.D. in Pop Culture, specializing in conspiracy and film. I have always felt that, much like we study old plays and poems, that the meaning of life can be found in movies and song lyrics. …

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