The real tricky part about being a recovering addict is not starting the drinking and drug activity again because a craving can be recognised for what it is and dealt with. It's the long-term effects of feeling like the world revolves around you and the emotions that thrive in that atmosphere that become the real trial.
When you have no means of comparing what is right and what is wrong, you are like a young child again, learning to understand and control the feelings that rage and cry inside of you. It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling resentment and self-pity, which will then lead you into self-loathing because of the disappointment in yourself for the perceived failure.
As the years pass, it gets easier, but I still have to be vigilant so I don't fall back on the habits of old. Of course, things aren't made any easier by the fact that I'm still also dealing with residual effects of the abuse coming back to haunt me periodically. Perhaps, once I have finally laid the demons to rest that caused me to look for an escape, I'll be able to put these feelings behind me as well
I do know that it is a damn good thing I was woefully ignorant about what I was getting myself into when this all started. It would have seemed an insurmountable task. Rebuilding my life from the bottom up isn't easy, but even if I have to spend the rest of my days on it, it will have been worth it.
Article comments
1 - chantal stone
an amazing success story, thank you for sharing this Richard.
2 - JELIEL³
Very good article, but I have problems with this sentence.
People who work in the arts are hard drinkers and live hard anyway, so my behaviour didn't seem as outlandish as it would have in other circumstances
People in the arts who are hard drinkers and live hard have failed BEING in the arts and instead are BEING an artist. Sure I drank and partied a lot but a true artist lives more intensly than regular people, but not necessarily harder. But I never touched drugs and I live in Montreal, drug distribution center to North America.
3 - John Spivey
There are so many ways to stay numb and so many excuses. Powerful account of your life, Richard. I hope for continued healing of the wounds and for your personal success as a human being.
4 - Sister Ray
Do you feel like you were addicted to LSD?
5 - Richard Marcus
Sister Ray: I apologise for taking so long to reply to your comment. I think I was more adicted to getting high than any paticular means of achieving that aim. Certainly I would crave the high that I obtained from taking acid, and when I came down I would want to get it back, but the same could be send for any substance I use during the time.
I needed to not be in the world that I was in, and anything that would take me away was ideal, so I maybe wasn't technically adicted to acid, although, or any particular substance at all. It was the escape that the highs offered that I was adicted to.
Does that make sense? I think I know what you were curious about, whether acid is technically adictive, and I think perhaps we need to look at the question, and not just for acid but all substances, from another angle. People get addicted to the sensations caused by the drug, not the drug itself. I thank god I never did heroin because the high is supposed to be amazing and I might never have come back.
But coke is supposed to be this horribly addictive drug, but I never enjoyed it, so never became addicted to it.
It's the same with my pain medication. I take morphine on a regular basis, three times a day, but I hate the sensation of the high it induces (which makes me grateful that I know longer experience it) but that doesn't prevent it from working as pain medication. In times past when I have had to utilize morphine, I have never had any difficulty stopping because I don't like it. Perhaps because I'm using it for a specific purpose and not recreationaly that also changes my perspective of it.
Anyway, I guess that was a longer answer than what you expected, but it's the closest I can come to answereing. Again I apologise for my delay in responding.
cheers
Richard