This Radical Honesty movement, self-described as a cult, is quite popular.
Its credo is simple: "The honest sharing of information, feelings, and thoughts is the elixir of life, and the saving grace of humankind."
That may well be.
But I know of lives shattered and people destroyed as a result of a determination always to tell the truth.
Article comments
1 - alienboy
dear bookofjoe,
fascinating concept, a "rational" cult!
seriously, are there not at least as many, if not more, and more deeply "lives shattered and people destroyed" by lies and liars?
and is not there also the added pain of broken trust, shattered dreams, time wasted, et cetera?
i think i know which i'd prefer...
thanks for highlighting it
2 - RJ
"Honey? Does my ass look big in this dress?"
"I know it will hurt your feelings by me telling you this, but I am duty-bound to always tell the truth. You look like Starr Jones in that horrid potato sack masquerading as a sun dress."
End result: A brutal divorce, two kids growing up without their daddy around, and a domestic violence conviction on mom's permanent public record.
Sometimes, lies are GOOOOD! ;-)
3 - DrPat
"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." My mom was right, and labeling as radical honesty the rude or inconsiderate urge to blatt out the absolute truth doesn't change it.
Nope, lies are not not better. And in my experience, the best answer to "Honey, does my ass look fat in this dress?" is a sincere: "I prefer your ass OUT of that dress." Worked for me...
4 - RJ
"And in my experience, the best answer to "Honey, does my ass look fat in this dress?" is a sincere: "I prefer your ass OUT of that dress." Worked for me..."
Heh...
5 - kent
It is my contention that Radical Honesy means telling The FULL truth, which demands sensetive self-inquiry and a balanced portrayal of one's many- often contradictory- subpersonalities. This takes time and is not always convenient. Simplistic dualistic answers like, "yes I like" or "no I don't like" may seem courageously blunt but they are actually unconsciously evasive.
" Honey, that ass belongs to a being I am completely in love with and hopelessly devoted to. I cannot possibly give you an unbiased evaluation. But if you insist on one, I will say this: asuuming I was arrogant and naive enough to believe that changing your anatomy would make me a happier person, (which I am not) I would say that I would prefer your ass to be smaller. Of course, then I would want to modify some other part of you and you would (god forbid) respond to me in kind. This would be very hard on my fragile ego. Of course, I have my conditioning and it tells me to like a certain kind of ass. I cannot change that. What I can say is that when I look at you I sometimes see my conditioned preferences filtering my direct experience of your beauty and this makes me feel sad and disappointed in myself. I ask you to be patient with me as I free myself from this conditioning and come back to my immediate experience of you- which is that you are beautiful... the one I love and trust more than anyone in the world. The more I learn to see my own value despite my own aging and slowing metabolism, the easier it is for me to see your beauty. It is hubling to watch our body/minds decay but I am comitted to taking this journey with you. Thank you for listening. I hope I have not hurt you. If I did, I sincerely ask your forgiveness at my blundering attempt to be fully honest. For me, it a sign of how invested I am in this relationship. Were I to tell you anything less, you would probably sense that I am not fully showing up for you and this can too easily become a habit that could undermine our intimacy- which is the most important thing in my life. "
6 - SFC SKI
seems a bit long winded to me. Look, the world does not spin on the axis of whether or not the dress makes her look fat. That is pretty unimportant, I think radical honesty might be a bit more important in having people assume responsibility for actions, or express support for choosing the hard right over the easy wrong.
7 - Moondog
Wife: Does my ass look big in this dress?
Husband: Yes...I think your ass looks big in that dress...AND I love you and still am attracted to you.
Wife: I resent you for saying that my ass looks big in this dress...AND I appreciate you for telling me the truth of what you really think...and I appreciate you for saying that you love me and are still attracted to me
8 - DC
Husband: Does my ass look big in this dress?
:)
OK, seriously, radical honesty is not about being blunt and not caring whether anyone's feelings get hurt. It's about communicating openly and honestly and working past any hurt or offense together. It results in stronger, more intimate relationships rather than remaining behind "masks of composure" as Scott Peck has said.
9 - Lewis Goode
I've just discovered that this idea/concept exists, but I've been practicing it for nearly twenty years with excellent results. I don't believe in blurting out everything that pops into my mind, or admitting to every stupid thing I've ever done at the drop of a hat, like some kind of embarrasing biography that no one asked about in the first place. But when I was young, like many young people these days, I became a huge liar, so much so that it became overwhelming just to keep up with the lies & to be an incredible actor so I wouldn't get caught. At about age 20 I was frazzled to the end of my rope & decided to experiment with honesty & the results were consistently positive. Even when the immediate results were neagtive, the long term results would end up being positive. Twenty years later & I'm very happy, very content, & am in what seems pretty clear to be a much better position than most people I've known, & I've known thousands. I have to admit, lying is what makes the world go round these days, & that won't change overnight, but every person can try to be more honest & see what the results are, because it is a source of a great deal of problems. I should add that you have to first be 100% honest with yourself about everything before you can start to be honest with other people. And again, don't be an idiot about it. Also, its important to see the humor in things & make sure that others see that you can appreciate the humor in life, so that they're not too freaked out by your honesty.
10 - Bud Erickson
The only time telling the truth ruins anyones life is when that life was built on lies. When the truth comes out after years of lies of course it is going to ruin everything those lies created. See the light and speak the truth.
11 - Stacie
I disagree with the comment that honesty ruins lives. It is the initial mistake, action or behavior that subsequently requires honesty that causes pain. Telling the truth about it is the first step to healing.
12 - Christopher Rose
This all too brief article seems to miss the point. It is very hard to trust people who don't tell the truth - and I say that as a fairly accomplished liar who chooses not to. Telling the truth is far more exciting.
13 - Jeremy
If you can't say something nice, and you don't say anything at all, then the other person isn't going to change and you'll be walking on eggshells for the remainder of the relationship.
Why does the wife explode when the husband is honest about her ass? Cause she's not used to honest communication and probably resents him for something they don't talk about. "If I keep quiet about your imperfections, YOU should keep quiet about mine."
Nobody grows in that situation.
Honesty IS the best policy.
14 - Nancy
Honesty is also easier to keep track of - at least, for those of us with poor memories about who we told what to. And if you have to tell someone something unpleasant - like that dress looks bad, or that haircut is awful - there are tactful ways to do it. You might have to work at it, or search for words, but it can be done. And sometimes I think there is just no point in gratuitously hurting someone by telling them the truth IF it involves something that can't be helped or fixed, but those circumstances are rare.
15 - Douglas A Grendahl
Back in 2001...give or take, I was in Barnes & Nobles looking for a good read. I saw the title of Brad's book and picked it up. I found myself instantly resonating with him. I then didn't like his use of the word "shit" but got over that. I've had huge libraries during my lifetime and had to get rid of books but Brad's is one that I couldn't. I've read and underlined it so many times that I had to purchase another copy (the revised edition). It has been my experience that ultimately telling the truth, even if it hurts initially, will ultimately lift you and the other to higher realms. There are ways to be truthful.
16 - pinman
know the truth and it will set u free!
17 - Tye
I had a partner who followed Radical Honesty and who cheated on me 4 times... sad thing is they work for RH enterprises... So as a concept great, in practice - well you decide!