In his excellent best selling book, The Gift of Fear, the renowned Gavin de Becker, who works with media figures, corporations, law enforcement agencies, regular citizens, and prosecutors on predicting and preventing violence, notes how a certain measure of stalking behavior is considered acceptable, even admirable, in our culture — as long as it is the man doing the pursuing, that is. He writes:
Men pursuing unlikely or inappropriate relationships with women and getting them is a common theme promoted in our culture. Just recall Flashdance, Tootsie, The Heartbreak Kid, 10, Blame it on Rio, Honeymoon in Vegas, Indecent Proposal.
This Hollywood formula could be called Boy Wants Girl, Girl Doesn't Want Boy, Boy Harasses Girl, Boy Gets Girl. Many movies teach that if you just stay with it, even if you offend her, even if she says she wants nothing to do with you, even if you've treated her like trash (and sometimes because you've treated her like trash), you'll get the girl.
If a man in the movies wants a sexual encounter or applies persistence, he's a regular, everyday guy, but if a woman does the same thing, she's a maniac or a killer. Just recall Fatal Attraction, the King of Comedy, Single White Female, Play Misty for Me, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, and Basic Instinct. When the men pursue, they usually get the girl. When the women pursue, they usually get killed.
The context of this cultural observation is the focus of de Becker's book — namely the ubiquitousness of dangerous, often violent MALE stalkers — as well as abusive spouses and boyfriends --- in our midst, and how women can protect themselves from unwanted male attention and harassment, including injury or even death.
He writes further:
Giving talks around the country, I sometimes ask the audience, 'How many of the men here ever found out where a girl lived or worked by means other than asking her? How many have driven by a girl's house to see what cars were there, or called just to see who answered the phone and then hung up?'
By the overwhelming show of hands, I've learned that the acceptability of these behaviors is a matter of degree.
Let me just say for the record: to me, stalking, by men or women, isn't cool. Nevertheless, to a certain degree, I can relate a bit to the diabolical Alex.
Alex is obviously a lonely and disturbed woman. The implication is that this is far from the only man she's pursued. Although she insists she's not a slut, she mentions that she's recently had an abortion. Meanwhile, she's just met this guy, but is eager to have a child with him. Moreover, she lives alone in a scary, creepy loft, where every square inch and piece of furniture is white, like a padded cell in a mental hospital.
Article comments
1 - sr
Elvira, since Im the first commenter does my family and I get the free all you can eat lobster dinner at Red Lobster? Great blog lady of song. Never have been on the giving or receiving end of unwanted advances. From a fathers point of view with a daughter, and should she ever be caught in the situation of unwanted advances this commenter would write blogcritics from San Quentin on death row. I should not get started because this will lead me into our crap legal system and not be inline with your blog. Just be thankful Im not judge of the world. Thanks for listing Elvira. Did you stop smokeing? Just a point of view from this commenter. Knowing Im conservative, ex military, the Army thing with many years long gone and retired thank God. Remember you did a blog on the latest Army enlistment TV commercials. After watching them maybe you were right. The only thing worse is being inundated with that John Bassfishower workout viedo or whatever his name is. He must also sell hair products for men since the dorks hair color is different for each frecking commercial. Him and Billy Mayes, however you spell it. Hey, Im retired, drink much rum, smoke to much, like I care. Asked my wife if she would like to be married to John The Bassfishermen workout dude and had a voice like Billy Cleaning Products Mayes over me, who would you want. Al Pacino and Charles Bronson. Not the answer I desired after 25yrs of marriage on 4-4-06. Almost wondering what the hell your blog was about Elvira. Keep up the good work lady of song, cut your smokeing back to 5 packs per day and have a great week. sr
2 - Elvira Black
sr:
Free lobster on Elvira! Still smoking away, unfortunately, and coughing like the dickens--must...stop...agh...
John Basedow, fitness celebrity? He does have quite an..um... impressive head of hair. And don't you love the little "Fitness Made Simple" jingle? Hey, happy anniversary and have a great week yourself!
3 - sr
Elvira, thanks and Im in no position to speak about smoking. Had one lady tell me while I was enjoying a smoke, minding my own business, and sitting on a bench outside my local market that I could get cancer smoking those nasty things. Told her she was right because my lung cancer was inoperable due to many years of smoking. Asked her if I quit now would my cancer go away. Wished her a great day as she walked away. No I have no cancer but someday I will. What a lier I is. By. sr
4 - Elvira Black
sr:
Cancer? Are you sure that lady knew what she was talking about? (lol). I think there's now some parts of the country where you can't even smoke outside, period. What a jokester you are! Serves her right.
5 - cancerman
i love cancer its so cool i eat it for breakfast thank you america
6 - Anonymously D.
I am a young man in his thirties and am presently being stalked for nearly three years of my life by a woman who chased me over half the planet to a foreign country and simply won't go away.
She says I am her best friend and that she knows every detail about me, yet, I have never allowed such an exclusive right to me as she claims and defends. I do not consider her even at friendship status and was puzzled why she hunted me and chased me from America to Asia.
She has taken over my friends and attempts to wedge herself between my social groups and myself in an attempt to own me. When I confront her with this behavior, she reverts into some kind of brainless Disney-like animated animal to attempt to avoid reality and responsibility for her actions and thoughts.
She doesn't have a life of her own and just waits to see me whenever she is aware of social activities. My friends are aware of the situation and we all don't know what to do. Sadly, we have to arrange more discrete meetings even for casual visits.
I just want to be left alone and for her to go back to her home and country. She came uninvited and just won't leave.
At first, people did not believe me when I said this person was stalking me. Because, the stereotype is that only males stalk, it was hard for me to convince others what was really happening in my life - especially when others left me alone and she behaved strangely in their absence. But after a year, finally people began to see what I meant and they tried to be helpful to me.
We have been understanding and attempted to be helpful, but short of forcing her on a plane home, I don't know how to fix this problem.
I'm not afraid for my life, I am quite capable of defending myself physically or verbally, and I do not think she would resort to attack, murder, or suicide, but I am still not free in my life.
She has admitted to having stalked other males previously.
I have never stalked anyone before. Even when I had crushes on girls in my youth, I always had a conscience to respect their life and decisions and give them proper space. How is it that my stalker cannot have such conscience toward me?
7 - Elvira Black
That sounds rough, but women do stalk men too, especially celebrities.
From what I understand, the only possible solution is to completely disengage with her in every way...stop all communications, as any and all responses will just encourage her more. If you retain contact, you "validate" her fantasy.
You should not be in a position where someone takes over your social and personal life. If legal recourse isn't an option, I'd advise going "cold turkey;" maybe even changing your number and so on if necessary.
Good luck with that. Someone famous (Dorothy Parker?) said that "hell is other people." Sometimes that can be all too true.
8 - Anonymously D.
Thank you for the advice. I dislike to be severe with anyone, and of course I realize her motivations are part of the human condition, but she isn't regarding what she does to me and others. She wants love so strongly but her behavior prevents it. I hope somehow the cycle of her inner-torment will end and that she will eventually enjoy a healthy and love-filled life.