4:50 A.M. - In a creative twist on an ancient invocation, a Buddhist teenager likens the Yen and Yang to the two large, overstuffed cartoon-like mascots which are currently napping on the sidelines.
5:00 A.M. - A Wiccan student/witch (a girl named 'Riannon') from a trailer park just outside of Muleshoe borrows the stadium chalk machine and draws a large pentagram on the left hash mark at the 40 yard line. She chants over the P.A. system and invokes the Great Holy Mother, which causes a number of Catholic parents to mistake her for one of their own. Some confusion ensues until she disrobes and begins a strange dance wearing what resembles a goat's head... either that or the hat of a Minnesota Vikings fan. The mascots are confused.
5:30 A.M. - The last child in line — an agnostic intellectual who moved to Muleshoe from New York City — wraps up the opening invocations: "Dear God...if you exist...save my soul...if I have one. Amen."
After a groan from the crowd and yet another restroom break, the stadium soft drink vendors offer coffee to the exhausted assembly. The Muleshoe Marching Band awakens and tries to get their fans pumped up with an all-tuba rendition of "Smoke on the Water."
6:00 A.M. - As a light glows on the horizon, the team captains assemble for the coin toss. In an unusual display of good taste, the coach from Gun Barrel City silently prays to himself, "Lord, please let us be the receiving team. Amen."
6:05 A.M. - Hey, it's kickoff time! Thank god! (insert yours)
Article comments
1 - Tom
Interesting. I believe it is opening a sort of pandora's box, but I also believe the supposed freedom of religion does not mean freedom from religion.
We are blessed that we have moral religious foundatoin of government with a secular society which is free to express themselves religiously. All religions are pretty much tolerated here, and we are the better for it.
2 - bhw
Some religions are "tolerated" more than others, Tom.
Here's my prayer, Shark:
Recovering Catholic girl/tuba player, smoking pot with the percussionists, prays for deliverance from pergatory: "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, please don't make us sit through this shit again at graduation. Isn't playing 'Pomp and Circumstance' ad nauseum penance enough?"
3 - Shark
Tom, thanks for the comment. Now lighten up.
bhw, great idea!
This post is now soliciting any and all submissions of prayers -- no matter how loony or marginal the particular religion might be.
Feeling blue because I failed to include your favorite brand?
Was your particular cult left out?
Want to include a few words for some invisible aliens and their earthly playmate, L. Ron Hubbard?
Want to unload some 'knowledge' you memorized from that 70 volume set of writings by Madame Blavatsky?
Fire away!
(note: all invocations become property of Shark, until such time as Eric claims them in court)
4 - Eric Olsen
I enjoyed the couple who worship color in A Mighty Wind - which is blowing you and me, by the way - which seemed a pretty benign use of psychic energy and didn't seem to involve the demonization of nonbelievers or condemnation into a colorless pit of some kind. I was somewhat disappointed that laundry detergent didn't figure into their sacrament in any way.
5 - bhw
Thanks, but I actually thought it was your idea, Shark, when you said "insert yours". But now I think you meant to insert your god....
Oh well, maybe you'll get some good sumbissions anyway. 8-)