"I'd bent it flat as hell, like, but still there was a wee kick to the bastard."
The wee kick, kicked him for all it could in the middle o' his arse.
"I couldn't move it, if I did I would tear the bejeesus out my hole."
The last thing a young man needs is his parents finding him passed out and bleeding from the back-end for reasons of shafting himself with a coat-hanger.
"A coat hanger!" I get to mouthin, eventually. "For the love o' Jandek, why not a banana or some rolled-up cardboard?"
"I wasn't thinkin" is what he says. "Mean, if I had been, I'd have left the hook outside. But I bent it all up in four, wrapped it up good, I thought."
He pulled at it for a good three minutes, he says, he could feel his face turnin' black wi the pain.
"Eventually, I knew it could get no worse, so I gritted my teeth, pushed it up a bit, dragged it to the left and slid it out."
This was about the eighth story Jeff had told. The others didn't involve his arse in any capacity whatsoever, other than it being attached to him whilst he was giving up the brown and losing part of his arm or hanging out with a bloke used to be in The Ruts. By that point, I'd wager, he knew he had an audience all sympathetic to his antics.
Still, some things you never expect to hear from a yap encountered but two hours hitherto.
"So", I got to askin, "What happened with the fella?"
"Oh" he says, tutting, "Fuck him. Turns out he was an Everton supporter."
Stories. Man can't walk from here to there 'thout passing a million of the bastards, and how many does he ever get to hear? Fairly few, is how many.
Jeff skidaddled ten minutes before the train arrived, headed off for a pish, he said. He'd be right back. He was nowhere near it.
Thanks folks.
Article comments
1 - Aaron Fleming
Haha, splendid!
And that candle-wax/Palahniuk tale has me wincing everytime I think about it, some deranged psychosomatic tribulations!
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thank you sir fleming! a fairly slight mind-wax for a change. i figured i'd fling the spot-light t'wards someone else for a time. sort of.
and aye, that tale. my god.
3 - DJRadiohead
Duke, this is great. It's funny, I guess. We fellas, as adolescents, get all kinds of curious about fuck-related acts, sensations, and activities and go to great lengths to conjure ways to experience them (unless you happened to be mighty enough to get The Real Thing whenever you wanted) in theory in hope for The Moment.
I guess where I am going with all of this is when I look back every bit of my thinking was in a straight manner because I am. Never stopped and thought about someone from a different perspective might be doing the same things, only different. Never stopped to think what those things might be.
Educational mind wax.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thanks sir DJ! and yeah,we rarely hear about these sortsa trials and tribulations. certainly there's no way of finding anything out in the ol' schoolin and such, ain't a thing for it but to experiment away down there. and really, it would appear that sex education relating to that particular orrifice is somethin badly needed. who knows what terrors are goin on in adolescent arseholes the world over, just on account of not knowing the first thing about the actual going's on up there.
5 - DJRadiohead
What I discovered is all that sex education did not cover nearly in depth enough how to acquire sex in any form or fashion. Schools left us heathens to our own devices to crack that code and I got carpal tunnel syndrome before I cracked it.
The arsehole was light years from my imagination but you might be on to something hear, Duke.
6 - Greg Smyth
A fine piece of purple prose, Good Sir. And a brilliant pay-off too.
7 - Kate
You are so deliciously funny as hell
8 - Duke De Mondo
Kate, thank you m'dear! I'm glad you liked it. and Sir Smyth, sorry, i thought i had replied to your wonderful remarks right there. Thank you also!