I got the feelin' Jeff had rolled this number out a time or sixty in the past. Probably the version I got (three times, in fact) bears no relation to the tale he told way back when, way back when he was high on speed and gabbling to some faceless reveler in some tavern reeked o' Love Supreme. Probably that version was still plenty far removed from whatever really occurred in that bedroom, with Non Stop Erotic Cabaret blippin an bleepin out the cassette player, with posters of Debbie Harry keeping watch o'er proceedings so as his parents would never assume him to be homosexual.
Whatever the truth of events, probably it matters none. Probably Jeff was just getting something off of his conscience by way of an exaggerated narrative about coat-hangers and toilet paper. Whatever shred of The Actual was breathing in the corners o' the tale, probably it was enough for Jeff.
Peculiar, the things folks feel guilty about.
"So I put it up there" he says.
What I ask him is "What did it feel like?"
"Like I needed to take a crap. Very uncomfortable, and also, not especially fun."
He stared at his feet for a minute, chewin' the bottom lip. "I figured it was something I was doin wrong, why it wasn't getting me all excited, so I tried a bit further."
There's a story in Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk that involves a fella putting candle wax in a part of his body not at all designed for anything of the sort. I've slept with my legs crossed since reading it.
"A good ten or eleven minutes I tried, and nothin, not a hint of a shadow of a buzz anywhere."
There's a girl couple seats removed, beautiful lass with the hair all black / blue highlights and the feet all bright red moon-boots. Is she listening, is what I get to thinking.
"Then I felt this kinda, like a pin prick, not painful as such, just sharp for a second. Then three seconds. Then ten. Then I figured I'd take it out and go have a proper fumble. I tried to bring it back and damn near fainted, I can tell you that for the price o' fuck all."
It turned out the toilet paper / contraceptive barrier had broken somewheres along the line. Just a notch, you understand, but enough for a reasonably sharp edge to emerge.
Article comments
1 - Aaron Fleming
Haha, splendid!
And that candle-wax/Palahniuk tale has me wincing everytime I think about it, some deranged psychosomatic tribulations!
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thank you sir fleming! a fairly slight mind-wax for a change. i figured i'd fling the spot-light t'wards someone else for a time. sort of.
and aye, that tale. my god.
3 - DJRadiohead
Duke, this is great. It's funny, I guess. We fellas, as adolescents, get all kinds of curious about fuck-related acts, sensations, and activities and go to great lengths to conjure ways to experience them (unless you happened to be mighty enough to get The Real Thing whenever you wanted) in theory in hope for The Moment.
I guess where I am going with all of this is when I look back every bit of my thinking was in a straight manner because I am. Never stopped and thought about someone from a different perspective might be doing the same things, only different. Never stopped to think what those things might be.
Educational mind wax.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thanks sir DJ! and yeah,we rarely hear about these sortsa trials and tribulations. certainly there's no way of finding anything out in the ol' schoolin and such, ain't a thing for it but to experiment away down there. and really, it would appear that sex education relating to that particular orrifice is somethin badly needed. who knows what terrors are goin on in adolescent arseholes the world over, just on account of not knowing the first thing about the actual going's on up there.
5 - DJRadiohead
What I discovered is all that sex education did not cover nearly in depth enough how to acquire sex in any form or fashion. Schools left us heathens to our own devices to crack that code and I got carpal tunnel syndrome before I cracked it.
The arsehole was light years from my imagination but you might be on to something hear, Duke.
6 - Greg Smyth
A fine piece of purple prose, Good Sir. And a brilliant pay-off too.
7 - Kate
You are so deliciously funny as hell
8 - Duke De Mondo
Kate, thank you m'dear! I'm glad you liked it. and Sir Smyth, sorry, i thought i had replied to your wonderful remarks right there. Thank you also!