Jeff and this fella, they'd got to talking, turned out both were similarly inclined towards the hairy chest and the sweat all bubblin' in the small of the back.
"We'd meet up every weekend, go for a drink, have a fight with a New Romantic and fall asleep in a hedge. But we only ever kissed, y'see. I got the feelin' he'd been around a time or two an', well, I was a bit green about the groin."
A woman walking towards the turnstiles drops her change, coppers rolling all directions. Jeff pauses for a moment, gathers his thoughts, scrambles round the back o' the throat for a hilarious quip to hang at the bottom of the frame, but no, a half-arsed "pfffft" from the side o' the sneer is all he can drag to the gums.
"So aye", he continues, "I didn't wanna, y'know, do it wrong."
Because high school teachers are all the happy in the world to draw arrows join willies to hoo-hah's and sperm to egg and husband to wife and back again, and yet nary a pie-chart to illustrate what exactly goes on back there for the fella bent across the bed wi' all Job's tribulations erupting north o' the spine.
"I didn't want him to know, y'unnerstann, and if I didn't like it, I didn't want him to be the one to teach me, since he was a nice fucker, truth be told."
He took a drink from out a coke-bottle filled with Bacardi.
"I wasn't in love or nothin, cause I don't think I ever have been 'cept for this time I saw a soldier looked like Jerry Lee Lewis scoopin' guts from out a dead man's boots. But I was fond of him, certainly."
Jeff decided to try it out first, alone, before he made any rash decisions with regards his anus and this charming man done rose out the pulse of Belfast City Center.
"An arse-wank, you might call it."
I said I might. I probably won't.
"I was gonna use a bottle, y'see, but then all I could find was this big plastic fucker thick as God's thigh. So what I did was I bent a coat-hanger over and covered it with toilet paper, put a rubber on the top."
Amazing, it is, the tales folks'll tell to strangers and priests.
Article comments
1 - Aaron Fleming
Haha, splendid!
And that candle-wax/Palahniuk tale has me wincing everytime I think about it, some deranged psychosomatic tribulations!
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thank you sir fleming! a fairly slight mind-wax for a change. i figured i'd fling the spot-light t'wards someone else for a time. sort of.
and aye, that tale. my god.
3 - DJRadiohead
Duke, this is great. It's funny, I guess. We fellas, as adolescents, get all kinds of curious about fuck-related acts, sensations, and activities and go to great lengths to conjure ways to experience them (unless you happened to be mighty enough to get The Real Thing whenever you wanted) in theory in hope for The Moment.
I guess where I am going with all of this is when I look back every bit of my thinking was in a straight manner because I am. Never stopped and thought about someone from a different perspective might be doing the same things, only different. Never stopped to think what those things might be.
Educational mind wax.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thanks sir DJ! and yeah,we rarely hear about these sortsa trials and tribulations. certainly there's no way of finding anything out in the ol' schoolin and such, ain't a thing for it but to experiment away down there. and really, it would appear that sex education relating to that particular orrifice is somethin badly needed. who knows what terrors are goin on in adolescent arseholes the world over, just on account of not knowing the first thing about the actual going's on up there.
5 - DJRadiohead
What I discovered is all that sex education did not cover nearly in depth enough how to acquire sex in any form or fashion. Schools left us heathens to our own devices to crack that code and I got carpal tunnel syndrome before I cracked it.
The arsehole was light years from my imagination but you might be on to something hear, Duke.
6 - Greg Smyth
A fine piece of purple prose, Good Sir. And a brilliant pay-off too.
7 - Kate
You are so deliciously funny as hell
8 - Duke De Mondo
Kate, thank you m'dear! I'm glad you liked it. and Sir Smyth, sorry, i thought i had replied to your wonderful remarks right there. Thank you also!