So aye, was whilst reading a page or two of yonder waxings that Jeff presented himself.
Jeff, it turned out, was headed my direction, and thought nothing of perching himself to my right for to dazzle the arse from out my hole with drunken gabble.
Four years ago I'd have rejoiced at such an occurrence. Sweet Zeus, I'd have hollered, a drunkard with a tale to tell! What say we ditch this station and go find a brothel'll let us lie under the sofa drinkin’ cider tastes like the lash on a seaman's shoulders till the early hours o' last Tuesday.
Fella gets a few years of the ol' Sobriety round about the head-holes, turns out the senseless flailing o' a soused-up stranger's tongue is the kinda thing can lead only to a mind-funk size o' Texas and a yearning in the nuts for to be anywhere other than here, sat wi' this tosser thinks he's Peter Cook other end of a gullet-load o' gin.
Jeff, he was all sortsa bladdered, every color o' drunkenness flick'rin’ in his breath, but turned out he had many's a tale worth hearing, some of which were still fairly great even after the seventh or tenth telling.
Many's a sorry narrative done trembled tween his teeth, many's a debauched episode and deplorable account.
What traipsed longest 'round the brain-mess afterwards, however, was the tale of The Busted Cherry.
Jeff, it transpired, was a man who was fond of the vagina, but more so if'n said vagina had a penis where the vagina should be. As biology would have it, weren't no place to find such a thing other than twixt the thighs o' a gentleman. So, in pursuit of the elusive organ, Jeff went snooping round the taverns o' Belfast City in the bygone days o' a while back.
"It wasn't easy", he said, "You couldn't just ask folks, even then, even in the eighties, you couldn't just assume, not like now, with the Graham Norton and the Brokeback Hills and the cock-on-cock every which way."
I asked if he could say willy instead of c**k. He ignored me.
"You had to be careful who you approached. But eventually I found this lad, saw him stumblin' out a taxi front the Ulster Hall one night, middle o' winter, aye, snow piled thick to the pink o' the prostate."
Article comments
1 - Aaron Fleming
Haha, splendid!
And that candle-wax/Palahniuk tale has me wincing everytime I think about it, some deranged psychosomatic tribulations!
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thank you sir fleming! a fairly slight mind-wax for a change. i figured i'd fling the spot-light t'wards someone else for a time. sort of.
and aye, that tale. my god.
3 - DJRadiohead
Duke, this is great. It's funny, I guess. We fellas, as adolescents, get all kinds of curious about fuck-related acts, sensations, and activities and go to great lengths to conjure ways to experience them (unless you happened to be mighty enough to get The Real Thing whenever you wanted) in theory in hope for The Moment.
I guess where I am going with all of this is when I look back every bit of my thinking was in a straight manner because I am. Never stopped and thought about someone from a different perspective might be doing the same things, only different. Never stopped to think what those things might be.
Educational mind wax.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thanks sir DJ! and yeah,we rarely hear about these sortsa trials and tribulations. certainly there's no way of finding anything out in the ol' schoolin and such, ain't a thing for it but to experiment away down there. and really, it would appear that sex education relating to that particular orrifice is somethin badly needed. who knows what terrors are goin on in adolescent arseholes the world over, just on account of not knowing the first thing about the actual going's on up there.
5 - DJRadiohead
What I discovered is all that sex education did not cover nearly in depth enough how to acquire sex in any form or fashion. Schools left us heathens to our own devices to crack that code and I got carpal tunnel syndrome before I cracked it.
The arsehole was light years from my imagination but you might be on to something hear, Duke.
6 - Greg Smyth
A fine piece of purple prose, Good Sir. And a brilliant pay-off too.
7 - Kate
You are so deliciously funny as hell
8 - Duke De Mondo
Kate, thank you m'dear! I'm glad you liked it. and Sir Smyth, sorry, i thought i had replied to your wonderful remarks right there. Thank you also!