Every so often these “safety guides” come out for kids and old people. And you would think in a safety guide they would tell you how to keep your kid safe while playing on a playground, but instead this safety guide turns what should be a fun time outside into a cold, sterile, emotionless trip to a play penitentiary. Don’t believe me? Check out the following. All of them are real quotes with my responses after them.
“Equipment should be sturdy and anchored to the ground.”
Let me get my wrench and fix that for you…you said wobbly and dangerous right?
“Supervision — An adult should be watching.”
Preferably one who is not a pedophile right?
“Always wear shoes.”
Because sandals are for mutants.
“A fence should separate a playground from busy streets and parking lots.”
It makes hitting kids with your car more challenging and rewarding. Criminal defense — what would Darwin do?
“Safe landing — Surface should give a little. Sand, smooth edged pea gravel, wood mulch, and spongy surfaces are good.”
No rusty nails? Pfft…losers.
“Railings should have kid sized grips.”
And plenty of trap doors under them.
“Sit when you swing.”
Then when your kid loses interest tell them to stand on their head.
“For swings, cloth or flexible plastic seats are safer than hard ones.”
What they meant to say? The hard ones promote homosexuality.
“Only one child at a time on the slide.”
The parents want to help out the Army recruiters watching nearby.
“Little kids and big kids should have separate areas.”
Because bullying is a fate worse than HIV and kids shouldn’t have to deal with that. Let’s prevent character growth as much as possible!
“Check to see if the merry-go-round are firmly anchored to the ground.”
Then spin the kids until they puke.
Article comments
1 - Justene
Is the metal on the slide hot? Check to see.”
Then if it is send the kid down. Then tell them that’s for being a jerk to their little brother or sister. And if they don’t have a sibling laugh at them and walk away.
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When the girls were little, hairwashing was punishment. I figured they needed hairwashing, which they hated about 3 or 4 times a week. That was about as frequently as one took a swipe at her sister. It worked out well.
There are many who still think I am a bad parent.
2 - Tan The Man
“Don’t let bullies dare your kids to make dangerous jumps.”
In my case, it was the bullies making dangerous jumps and landing on me while I was standing or lying on the bottom. Damn them!
3 - RJ
Swings can be useful weapons AGAINST bullies. If a notorious bully is in your path while you are swinging, take a flying leap at him. He'll lose his wind and you can steal his wallet and punch him in the genitals.
Playgrounds are fun! :)
4 - gonzo marx
this is why we should issue kiddies cattle prods every recess
toughen them up a bit..and is a great equalizer
but what the hell do i know..
Excelsior!