Paris Hilton and Britney Spears Create Two-Headed Monster, "Sparis"

In case you have been living in a cave, or better yet, don't follow celebrity news, an ungodly union has emerged the likes of which hasn't been seen since Hitler and Mussolini. Prepare the garlic, silver bullets, holy water, and someone get Van Helsing on the horn: Britney Spears has joined forces with, *gag* *cough*, Paris Hilton.

To preserve balance in the universe, somewhere a force of vast intelligence, refinement and chastity must have accumulated to fill the void that was created when these two witless icons of skankitude came together. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting And someday, if we pray hard enough and long enough, the seal will be broken and the angels of death and destruction will swoop down and save us all as they ravage and feed on the evil "Sparis" (spare-us), leaving behind only an entwined, withered, STD-ravaged, two-headed carcass with nary a brain betwixt them. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Whew! Seriously, it's hard to imagine a stranger combination. But, lest we think this pairing is as contrived and ill conceived as her two-year marriage to back-up dancer turned failed rapper, Kevin Federline, think again. While the manufactured flaxen duo may be short on brainpower, there's enough raw ambition, sheer audacity, and hard cash to keep this train wreck a rollin' until the cows come home, so to speak.

We can only speculate what spawned this union, but it would seem Britney's recent separation and plea for divorce from husband K-Fed, and a desire to reclaim her pop princess status, are at the heart of it from her end. Spears, who filed for divorce on November 7, a mere three weeks ago, has yet to settle the matter of custody of their two K-Fed spawn, Sean Preston, one, and two-month-old Jayden, but both are asking for custodial rights, with visitation rights for the other.

Luckily for Britney, an iron-clad pre-nup is in place guaranteeing that baby-daddy Fedster will be dumpster-diving for dinner post-haste as his new CD, Playing With Fire, isn’t burning up the charts. To date, he has sold a whopping 2,000 copies of the disc, and has been forced to give tickets away to his shows.

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Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. When not engaging in neologistical pursuits, she writes about popular culture, Hollywood and those fanciful creatures called "celebrities" at Glosslip.com. …

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Article comments

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  • 1 - Matthew T. Sussman

    Nov 30, 2006 at 1:25 pm

    You again?

  • 2 - Dawn

    Nov 30, 2006 at 1:37 pm

    huh?

  • 3 - Matthew T. Sussman

    Nov 30, 2006 at 1:53 pm

    I said:

    You again?

  • 4 - Eric Olsen

    Nov 30, 2006 at 1:56 pm

    nice job Dawn - certainly their capacity for damage is increased exponentially rather than arithmetically

  • 5 - Dawn

    Nov 30, 2006 at 1:57 pm

    Ohhhh.....I see....Whatever.

  • 6 - Jazz666

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:13 pm

    Thank you Very Much Dawn!!

  • 7 - El Bicho

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:28 pm

    Best. Comments. Ever?!

  • 8 - Eric Olsen

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:31 pm

    minimalistic for sure

  • 9 - Dawn

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:31 pm

    ??? Exactly El B - what was I thinking?

  • 10 - Matthew T. Sussman

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:37 pm

    I use small words and short sentences as a metaphor for the IQ capacity of Sparis.

  • 11 - Dawn

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:39 pm

    Uh, duh, huh?

  • 12 - Matthew T. Sussman

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:44 pm

    Um, sure.

  • 13 - Mark Saleski

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:47 pm

    does this mean i shouldn't bother with my review of the paris hilton cd?

  • 14 - Dawn

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:48 pm

    Yes.

  • 15 - Eric Olsen

    Nov 30, 2006 at 2:48 pm

    you SHOULD bother

  • 16 - Mat Brewster

    Nov 30, 2006 at 3:40 pm

    Why not just pose for Playboy? She'd make huge money doing it and gain all the attention she apparently needs, and more importantly they'd air brush her into something that looks like it is from this planet and not some grotesque mutant.

    It's not like this nudity isn't intentional. She knows the paparazzi follows her everywhere. she's got to know that's only going to increase traveling around with the skank sisters. Look at some of those photos, the paparazi are on their knees with the camera. They surely aint aiming for her pearly whites.

    Both Paris and Lohan are now more famous for parading their vaginas around than anything else. And oh yeah, she's wearing a freaking short skirt with no panties. So either she's the dumber than a box of hammers (which I'm not ruling out just yet) or she's intentionally getting attention with her nether region.

    All I'm saying is if she's going to show it off, at least have the sense to get some soft lighting and silk sheets to distract us.

  • 17 - Dawn

    Nov 30, 2006 at 3:47 pm

    I couldn't agree more Mat, these are perhaps some of the least flattering shots of poo-nay-nay that I have seen since I had to help my 90 year old granny go on the potty.

    A five o-clock shadow might look good on Brad Pitt, but on Britney's lady bits, well it's kind of revolting.

  • 18 - DJRadiohead

    Nov 30, 2006 at 4:30 pm

    I have thus far been able to avoid the Brit Va-jay-jay and I am grateful beyond my ability to express because the last va-jay-jay story has damaged my retinas for three halves of eternity.

    On an unrelated note, stop accenting walls and rejoin me when BCRadio comes back to life. We are going back on the air soon. Having electricity was actually more important to the BCRadio process than someone might think. It's great to have you back and present.

  • 19 - Dawn

    Nov 30, 2006 at 4:39 pm

    Thanks Josh, sorry I bailed on you for domestic duties and a lack of a computer!! But rest assured, I have a lot of pent of celebrity angst - this is the tip of the iceberg.

  • 20 - Matthew T. Sussman

    Nov 30, 2006 at 5:51 pm

    Pssh, Dawn, don't be silly, I'm not a celebrity.

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