Eric doesn't believe that parents favor one child over another. I say that is total and complete bullshit. While it's possible that a parent can love each child equally, this does not mean that parents aren't without their leanings and preferences.
Take my family for instance. I know that my mother, the dear woman that she is, loves both my sister and me equally, but if my mom had a problem she would always and unfailingly go to my sister for the solution and advice. As she puts it, "Your sister and I are a lot alike. She understands me more intimately than you do." Which is true - I am a people pleaser and have a hard time giving firm instruction. I want the person to be happy (especially a person I care about) and might not always tell them what they NEED to hear, but what they WANT to hear. My sister is without hesitation in letting someone know EXACTLY what she thinks. To me this closeness between my mom and my sister is a sign of favoritism, but not of the negative kind.
Two people have more in common, therefore they are more likely to find solace in one another.
I know another family situation where the favoritism is harshly obvious. The parents are divorced and the two children lived with one parent most of their lives until a couple years ago. The part-time parent gave up vast amounts of time and some opportunities to spend a modicum of time with the children, which may have been a contributing factor in one of the children deciding to change shcools and live with him a couple of years ago.
The other parent, in her infinite wisdom and maturity, took this as a sign of failure - not on her part as a parent, but on the child's part as her offspring.
Article comments
1 - Eric Olsen
A few things: I understand your concerns and think you are more right than wrong about the specific situation to which you refer, but ithink she has been even worse because she favored HIM until the Big Decision. I know she identified more with him than she did with the other.
Also, you will see very shortly that there is no favoritism when it comes to feelings - I feel no differently about my three children, and I am certain the same will hold for my fourth. Everyone is different and you can't treat people exactly the same way and expect the same results, but I care equally about them all and feel a special relationship with each for different reasons. You will see this and should fear nothing in this regard.
I'm sure it's the same with your mother as well.
2 - Corinna Hasofferett
Dawn, That you are aware makes all the difference.
That you have a true partner, makes a difference.
That you love each child a full love, 100% of it, is the difference.
Still, children will come to you and ask, Whom do you like most...
3 - TDavid
Favoritism might be a female thing, at least in our household, because my wife seems to favor our youngest because he is the "baby" in the family. I believe she loves all the kids equally as I do, but I think the baby gets more attention because he's the baby. And at age 10, he isn't really a baby at all any more.
I know that I do favor certain specific activities based upon the child's interest. For example, our youngest I would favor for a trip to get ice cream or just to go for a ride in the car with just dad and him, our middle son is a videogame hound and pretty good so I'd opt to challenge him to a videogame, and our oldest son I would go to for creative things like sharing writing or good books/magazines.
I don't know if this is favoritism though ... hmm.
4 - Eric Olsen
TD, that isn't favoritism - that's meeting each on their own terms, which is the opposite of favoritism.
5 - Taloran
I am the father of two boys, born almost five years apart. When my younger son was two, he looked almost identical to his older brother at that age. The only noticeable difference in photos taken at the same age is that the younger guy is a bit heavier.
My older son was a stellar baseball player from age five. He could hit, run, field and throw as well as or better than anyone in his league could do any of the above. When we went to sign him up for his 9-year-old baseball season, the president/coach and vice-president of the sports league were adamant that we should sign up the four-year-old younger brother to play on a team of six-year-olds. "Your older son is so good" they said "the little guy can surely hang with the older boys, get some experience, and be an excellent player in a year or two." Against my better judgment, I allowed myself to be talked into letting my younger son play on a team with boys two years his senior.
It was a disaster. Not only was my son unable to compete with the older boys, he did not have the natural athletic gifts granted to my older boy. He was ponderously slow, had poor hand-eye coordination, and was completely befuddled and unsure of himself on the field. He loved the game from day one, and worked much harder at it than the older son to whom the game came completely naturally. He was given very sparse playing time, and following his 5-year-old season was cut from the six-year-old team that had recruited him at age 4. As the father who loves him, I was furious at the coach who had recruited him too young when he said to me "We're trying to put together a team to play in a competitive division, and your son just doesn't fit in." He was right, but I thought it was a really awful thing to cut a boy at five who he had recruited at four, when the little guy was still "playing up" a year.
My wife was adamant that my older son not play football until he was 75 pounds, which he reached at age nine. He made an immediate impact on his football team, starting on both offense and defense from his first game. He was a crushing blocker, a great tackler, and had very good hands, leading to lots of interceptions, including some game-winners.
My younger guy reached 75 pounds at age six. He towered over his classmates, with wide shoulders, beefy arms, and thick, strong legs. He was dying to play football like his big Bubba, so we put him on a 7-year-old football team. It was not as big a disaster as his first baseball season had been, but the older, smaller, faster guys still ran around him like his feet were nailed to the ground, and pushed him around like a rag doll.
My older guy remains a stellar athlete, while the younger one may never get there. He tries hard, and has a great, cheery attitude and excellent work ethic. He constantly asks me to take him to the batting cages, throw the football with him, toss the baseball around.
But the younger son has gifts the older boy lacks. He is extremely popular with his peers, while his brother struggled for acceptance until a year or two ago. He excels in school, while his brother has had to deal with the monster of extreme ADD. He has a creative flair - he loves to draw, play with Play-Doh, help his mom cook, and play any musical instrument he can get his hands on. The older boy is disinterested in anything "artsy".
I didn't mean for this comment to get so long - what I mean is, parents can't expect their children to be alike. They are individuals, with their own talents and shortcomings. While they may look alike, they are separate people, with different skills, shortcomings, and faults. It's still difficult for me to watch my younger son struggle athletically when his older sibling is so talented and it comes so easily - I find myself biting back the words "Why can't he be more like..." frequently. But I only feel that about their sports - when the heat and excitement of the game has passed, I realize that I can't expect one to be like the other, and I love them both dearly. The older guy has certain gifts, and the younger one has different ones. I do my best to provide support, love and kindness in equal measure to each of them.
I feel truly sorry both for the children described by Dawn above, and for the parents who are blinded by their own demons. Remember, Dawn, as your children grow, that each of them has things to offer that will enrich your life, be the best parent and friend you can be to each of them, and you'll never have to worry about favoritism.
6 - jadester
don;t worry, in my experience, when there's "only" 2 children, favouritism isn't so massively evident, only occasionally and by a small amount. Maybe the age gap helps too (i am youngest by less than 2 years)
7 - Sugar
Favortisim does exist when there are 2 children in the family. My husband and his brother are 5 years apart. My husband being the youngest. In his family I was even told that the mother favors the oldest as he was first born. Here is my story...short & as sweet as I can make it without using profanities... My husband does everything for his parents, no questions asked. When there is work to be done, we (he & I) do it. We are always there no matter what. No matter what weather etc. Never an excuse not to help them with anything. As for his older brother,which his mother loves more and is obvious is never around or suddenly becomes sick when somthing needs to be done. Not one time has his brother or wife been there to help. They go to their house to drink and party. My mother in-law has no problem with that, in fact they drink themselves into oblivion and see them drive off with her grandson in the car. There is more to the story. Basically the older of the two treats his parents like crap and the younger bends over backwards and the mother makes every excuse for the older one. She believes her oldest can do no wrong. I call him "THE GOLDEN CHILD" lmao at age 39. Yes he still acts like a child. Anyway, I am ready to wash my hands clean of the entire situation. I am ready to disown my brother in-law & sister in-law and basically my mother in-law. I hope this made some kind of sense as this has been going on since my husband has been born and he just opened his eyes to it when we started dating. I had to point it out to him. So, he sat back and watched. His own father has yelled argued and fought with his wife about the favortisim, and it will never change. Kinda makes me think the older brother and my mother in-law...are a little "CLOSER" than they want anyone else to know
8 - TERRI
WHATEVER YOU DO TAKE COMFORT IN THE FACT THAT CHRIST JESUS LOVES US EVEN IF OUR MOTHER OR FATHER DO NOT, BUT YET THE PARENTS CAN SHOW CAPACITY TO LOVE THE OTHER SYBLING--WHICH IS PROBABLY CONDITIONAL LOVE . THEY USUSALLY DO IT BECAUSE THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT AGAPE OR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS-THEY ARE LOOKING FOR A REFLECTION OF WHAT THEY THINK LIFE SHOULD BE IN THE FAVORED CHILD-AS AN EXAMPLE MY MOM VALUES MATERIALISM AND LOOKS --AND MY SISTER IS RICH WITH BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES SO HEY SHE COULD DO NO WRONG --BUT GOD LOVES ME AND SENT HIS SON TO DIE FOR ME SO I AM COMFORTED ALSO IN KNOWING THAT IN THE END OF DAYS THAT PROBLEMM OF INJUSTICE WILL BE ADDRESSED BY HIM AND JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL--IF NOT BEFORE THEN--PRAISE HIM FOR AMAZING LOVE AND GRACE-HE LOVES US JUST THE WAY HE MADE US AND HELPS US TO GROW AND REFLECT HIS TYPE OF LOVE --LIFTING UP EVERYONE TO PARENT THE WAY OUR TRUE FATHER IN HEAVEN DOES--IT IS WHAT WE ALL DESIRE DEEP IN THE HEART OF THE MATTER
9 - TeriAnn
Parents that say they do not prefer one child over another are not looking at themselves realistically. While they indeed love all their children respectively and equally, they will always have their preferences. As the oldest Child in the family, and the only female, regardless of age, I am expected to be self reliant, a role model and the like. On the other hand my 2 younger siblings, males, are given the latitude of being more dependent. In this way, they have grown up to be "Mama's Boys", especially now they are in their late 30s.
10 - Not A Favorite
Back in the early 60s' my grandmother gave one of her "favorite" grandchildren, my brother, a battery operated robot but even though my brother shared the toy with me, and probably our other siblings as well, my mother made him give it back to our grandmother because not all of us was given a toy that day (although my grandmother remembered all of us with birthday cakes & gifts on each of our birthdays).
As a child, I was delighted with my brothers toy robot, it was very interesting with lights and movement - I wished he didn't have to give it back, and I'm sure he was very heart-broken that he had to.
Fast forward to the month of December in each of the 7 years between 2000 and 2007 when I received from my parents a Christmas card identical to the Christmas card they gave to each of their children and grandchildren except for one difference - mine never included a gift of cash from them as all the others did.
I can only assume they choose to not give me a gift of cash at Christmas in order to pay down the outstanding balance of less than $300 from an amount I borrowed from them in 1999.
This year I left the card lieing un-opened on a kitchen counter for a day, pondering whether I really even wanted to read this years reminder that they've deducted a few more dollars from a small amount still outstanding.
The card, disguised as a "Christmas Greeting" includes a pre-printed verse on the inside, in addition to the handwritten words "Love, Mom & Dad".
I envision my mother sitting at her kitchen table with a stack of cards, her checkbook, and cash. As she signs a card she places a gift of money inside, places the card in an envelope and writes the recipients name or name and adress on the envelope.
She repeats this over and over again, only deviating to not place either cash or check in one card - the card she is sending to me.
This year I consider the fact my parents bought and remodeled a home for one of my sisters a decade ago and continue to pay the property tax and make repairs to it, at no cost to my sister. Last year my sister told me she thought she might move to another city and leave the house they bought to her daughter.
Today I remember how in my early twenties I left behind a job and relationship with an alcoholic spouse to travel hundreds of miles back to the city in which my parents live, delusionally thinking it was best to return to their city for assistance from them until I was working and in a home of my own again.
I did find a job right away but they refused to assist me in any way other than allowing me to sleep on their front porch, in their backyard, in a car belonging to an adult brother who still lived in their home.
I think of how how determined I must have been - sleeping on a porch - walking more than a mile to and from work, often in the rain, while neither parent, both retired and at home all day, never offered to give me a ride.
I think of another brother who laughed and pointed at his new white athletic shoes which my parents bought for him, in addition to new clothing, for an upcoming court appearance he was attending and I recall when my shoes wore out during the time I was sleeping on the outside of my parents' premises, my mother handed me a pair of flip flops and said "Don't tell dad I gave you these".
The card they've sent to me each of the past 7 years truly demonstrates their desire to exclude me from any generosity on their part and also seems to reflect a desire to intentionally be cruel from which I suspect they may gain pleasure.
Perhaps they need a scapegoat - I can't say at this point for certain but I do know that a gift is simply a gift, no strings attached.
The card they send to me does not include a gift as the card they send to their other children, and grandchildren, does.
The card they send to includes the word "love", as does all the other card they send, yet, on my card it is clearly a farce,meant to deceive.
Bill collectors do not send gifts at Christmas time and they do not pre-face their signature with the word "love".
I think my biological parents FAVORITISM is a reflection of the fact they choose to LOVE their other children, and simply choose to NOT LOVE me.
Love is a verb - they choose to not love me, and, looking back, I suspect that because they did not demand I leave their property, they may have really enjoyed the knowledge I was suffering while sleeping in their yard, on their porch, in the car of an adult child who was living in their home at the time.
So, this year - after opening the envelope I did something very good for ME!
I expressed myself via this post, and, in memory of an adult brother who died recently, who survived a childhood as clearly the LEAST FAVORITE of my biological father, who called him "Dumb-Ox","Dumb-Block", "Goofy" and slapped him around, in additon to insulting him during conversations with his other children; I called my parents house this evening, my father answered, I told him to never send another piece of mail to my house. He responded "You're an idiot" and hung up. I returned a call and said to him these wonderfully liberating words "Hello GOOFY!" "Hello GOOFY!" Good-bye GOOFY!"
I just realized something very interesting: A few months before my brother died he went to visit one of our sisters. She didn't answer when he knocked on her door so he walked to his brother-in laws nearby business to inquire where she might be and unfortunately, his brother-in-law called him "Goofy" and told him she is at work.
My now deceased brother told me about this incident and I'm happy to say he verbally defended himself to our brother-in-law, but even so, he felt remorse for having "counter-attacked" with his words.
I don't recall him as a child every verbally giving our father "a taste of his own medicine" as I did this evening but for his own benefit, I wish he had.
Tonite, I called my father "Goofy!" - one of the words he used to insult my dear brother.
When I hung up the phone I called out my deceased brothers' name and told him that I did this one for him, too!
11 - Not a Fav Either
To Not a Favorite: I'm NAF also. At yesterday's family Christmas gathering, my mother gave gifts to all her grandkids except my kids. They are over 21, but STILL! How blatent can you be? I believe this NAF syndrome begins in childhood. My mother will drive 35 miles to deliver chicken soup to my younger sister when she has a cold, but has only been to my home once in the past 10 years, yet I live closer. She has babysat for my brother's 3 kids since they were newborns so he & his wife could work full-time & live in a big fancy house & send all 3 to private schools, yet I have a non-verbal autistic son & she has never offered to babysit or help in any way. What kind of mother does that?
12 - Not A Favorite
Hello Not a Faf Either, I agree with you that the favoritism can date back to childhood. Your mothers' favoritism is really clear. I think she has chosen to love and support your brother & sister and exclude you and yours. I wouldn't doubt your brother and sister have a false sense of superiority to you.
I'd like to see you take gifts to your mothers house for ONLY YOUR CHILDREN on the next gift-giving occasion when you think she may exclude your children. Perhaps she'll surprise you with gifts for all of you, but even if she did, I would just tell her that because she excluded them last time you brought gifts for just your children this time.
Did no one ask her why she behaved so incredibly rude? If not, I wonder if her poor treatment towards you and yours is universally accepted by the clan because your mother, the matriarch, has always mistreated you?
I think that more than a few of the adult children in my biological family are trapped in a time warp where they still behave, in the presence of my parents, as the children they were years ago, never questioning my parents' behavior
although they are now all adults.
13 - Alli
Favoritism very much exists. My mom is a very loving person and loves myself as much as my older sister and younger brother, but she clearly does not like us all the same. My older sister and her are close in a freindship way. They share similar interests, of which some I share and others bore me silly, but my mom will not acknowledge me as being anything like herself, even on the things we do share. It is as if she covets those qualities that make her so close to my sister and doesn't want me to be a part of that relationship. When my sister Amy finally had her daughter natalie after 3 years of infertility treatments we were all thrilled and have treated that little girl like a princess for the last 5 years. Now I am pregnant with a baby girl after 5 years of miscarriages and failed IVF's. Every time I say anything about my pregnancy or my baby registry or my future daughter all my mother can say is, "That happened to Amy" or "I only remember you saying you registered for that because that is what natalie had" or "Amy says you should register for this." It always comes back to Amy and her life, her kids, her in-laws, etc. I don't care that my mom and my sister are close, I just wish I could have a mother to be there for me for the happy times and be able to truly be there for me without constantly comparing me and my expereinces with my sister and hers. I am already fearing the day I see my mom showing favoritism toward my sister's kids over mine. That is something I don't think I will be able to stand by and watch.
14 - Micky
You financially support a grown man???
15 - mary joy
what are the bad and good effects of parental favoritism
16 - Marie
I am glad I found this site...as I thought I was being maybe a little "off balance" in my thoughts. I deal with this in my own life on my side and my husband's side so it is a double whammy. My parents have always favored my youngest sister. She is 40 years old and still living with them as the favoritism has actually crippled her. I don't know how she will survive when they pass on. My mother in law favor's her youngest daughter and has spent hundreds of thousands of $$ bailing her out of every financial situation imaginable..(my sister in law's husband makes very good money...but if my husband (who has had several accidents)asks for a dime my goodness he better pay it back!!!!I am just glad that we are not alone in this world, I want to let go of the pain and resentment it has caused me in my life.
17 - Lunae
ugh it makes me so frusterated to think of the way my mom treats me compared to my brother. ever since the divorce between her and my father she hasn't treated me equally. i feel that my dad tries and stays as fair as possible. i feel that my mom, on the other hand, can only see my flaws, and my brothers perfections. any time that i get into an arguement with my brother she blames it on me becuase "i didnt have to fight back". i think that is total bullshit, why cant she yell and grind into my brother for starting it in the first place? and when my brother gets into a fight with my mom, she takes the beating and dismisses it. but when i get into an arguement, its suddenly like i released the hounds! Oh and the thing that bugs me the most is when my brother complains and complains to get what he want and she will eventually give up and give it to him (after using the guilt trip on her), but when i ask for anything she acts like i will be the death of her. and now the only peace we can all get is when they both take the family room and i refuge to my room. i know that this all sounds dramatic, but this is how i actually view it. at this point i cant wait to get to my father's.
18 - Jae
I am glad I found this site. I am also a NAF. My parents had two girls. Me, the oldest and my sister. My sister has always been the fave and it always hurt me. In fact it made me do anything to get my parents love. I spent the yrs of my youth wking for my dad and always did everything he wanted but still he loved my sister more, much more. A lot of people at wk didn't even know I was his daughter.My sister just got out of rehab and has stolen a lot of money from everyone in our family. She was also a stripper. My parents paid her rent on and off since she was 18. Plus they have bought her a few cars over the years, which she always wrecked. I could go on but you get the point. I am married and have two boys of my own but still I cry every now and then b/c of this. I wrapped my life around my parents in hope of gaining their love. Finally I have begun carving out my own life, separate from theirs. Its hard especially b/c they don't even seem to notice. My parents and my sister are closer than ever. But what are you going to do? I have realized that you can not change them. My sister will tell you straight up that she is the fave. In fact, growing up my grandma and aunts would always fight w my parents over the way they treat my sister and I. Both of my parents have admitted over the years that my sister is the fave, but they say its b/c she needs/needed more attention and help. They say they don't "love" her more they just have a diff relationship with her. whatever. I too fear the day my sister has kids and my boys are left out in the cold. I will move out of the state when that happens b/c it is too painful. I guess, all you can do is live your own life and just be happy whenever you are with your parents. It depresses me but not as much as it used to.