But when Cary Grant said LSD helped him get through some serious psychological issues, I believe him. He said it make him a better person. I believe that too. I'm not condoning the use of these drugs, primarily because they are not sanctioned by the federal government and you could easily get bad shit and die. But under the care of a physician would they be useful? I think so. I have several friends who were prescribed MDMA back when it was legal. Who went through psychotherapy with this drug and found out things about themselves - who got better.
This isn't about getting high. That is something I don't understand - maybe because drugs don't make me high. And that floaty feeling before surgery? Well, if that is what all the fuss is about, why bother. What they did do for me was make me more emotionally stable, more able to express and access how I felt, and let's be clear, they took away extreme pain. I found I could function better. I was more productive. I didn’t sit in front of the television and vegetate as I had been - which is what I think of when I think of drug abuse. The opposite happened. I was back in the world again. And more, I was able to express my feelings more easily because Demerol had knocked down those social inhibitions.
No, I did not run into the street naked. when I say this I mean that I was able to talk to my husband and tell him how I feel, that when I needed to cry, Demerol unlocked me and I cried because I needed to and it make it okay. Demerol, though I know I'm not supposed to say this, made it easier to be me. Not me high - not me out of control - I was, if anything, more in control than I had been in months. I was kinder, more understanding, more thoughtful, my writing was improved, my agent was thrilled. My mother was "glad things were getting better." I looked better - I actually felt like brushing my teeth and showering and maybe even putting on a little make-up and getting dressed. I had energy, initiative, focus.
Without my prescriptions I am less able to function. Part of it is fear - that fear of pain I mentioned earlier. To be clear, I'm not going through withdrawal ... no D.T.s, no stomach upset, no flu symptoms. I am, quite simply, less focused, and maybe a doctor would argue that this in itself is 'evidence' of addiction, but I've been unfocused my whole life, long before I ever knew narcotics. In fact, it was only through narcotics that I found the focus I had been missing. Figure that one out. So, in short, I am who I used to be - which isn't bad, but is problematic. I'm more rigid, less able to access my feelings, struck with the anxiety of my work, worry about everything, unable to see my situation - or any situation for that matter - philosophically or to abstract it.
Article comments
1 - Bob A. Booey
Nice confession. Thanks for sharing. I have a hard time focusing long enough to read what you write, but this is probably the most personal and cogent thing I've seen you write yet.
2 - Douglas Mays
Sadi, right on stuff! My wife and I dread having to deal with a different pharmacy than the ones that know us. Spouse takes mood stablizers and sleep meds for legitimate disorders. We would not be married if it weren't for certain meds. I have siezure disorder that requires meds. Hey, I gladly take them on schedule daily! Siezures really suck.
Anyway, I agree with what you posted. Certain drugs were created for specific reasons. Abuse by those who don't need them put people like us under the 'addict' suspicions. And doctors fears of even writing a needed script!
Ugh, I could go on...
you know what I mean.
peaceloveguidance
3 - Eric Olsen
Sadi, very honest, brave and thoughtful - painful to read, even - but rarely do we get such insight.
4 - srp
sorry to hear about the pharmacy issues - this is a major problem for many people with chronic pain. i just switched pharmacies for the first time in many years, because the new management was so judgemental about this, and in truth, there's nothing i can do about what i am prescribed to take, and i do not need to be judged by those who don't know me, my life, etc. - and neither do you. you have a right to better than treatment than that -- innocent until proven guilty, but sadly, often assumed guilty.
ah well.
never dwell.
just move on, keep it going, and be proud of all that you do DESPITE that kind of shit.
ya know?
srp
5 - Eric Olsen
the medical community and society in general are always trying to find the right balance between treatment and suspicion and the pendulum swings back and forth never quite finding the middle - this would seem to be one area where a personal relationship (with doctor, pharmacist) would make a huge difference
6 - Kmmjr
we get put on the durgs with never knowing what they can do to us benzos and ssri's in my case now i have to taper but that has not worked some doctors tell me this cant happen some say it can some just say your a lier to even have a life you have to buy off black markets because know will have you for what benzo durg makeer have done to people all the pain we have gone thouth they sad make a cure to set thing back to the why we use to be with all that money yhey make off of us this will not happen to more paople stand and fight back anyway they can. email me if you like.