I have seen my those I love turn away from me. Seen them hurt and afraid, wanting to save me, but not knowing how, knowing it's not possible. With every surgery, I lose part of myself, part of my body, so that by now, I look like the turkey carcass after Thanksgiving dinner. It is insult to injury that I am losing my husband as well; that he wants to be Superman and save me but can't, and the pain of that is too much for him. Maybe because my husband fears losing me, I begin to fear losing him too. He didn’t sign up for this.. He fears my death. I do too.
One day, I am home as I always am, writing, editing - or rather, I should be. But on this day I can't because I can't stop crying. My mind wanders. Then it occurs to me: take two Demerol. In half an hour, I feel strangely detached. With the Demerol, I am able to abstract the problem; Demerol has made me generous. I realize, or think I do anyway, that it is actually okay if this problem I have exists. If I have cancer and might die.. At least, that's what I feel on this day. I am better because I am so understanding, so in touch with my feelings.
On this day, I begin a book. It is a philosophical exploration of the many forms of love, stories of childhood, brothers, first kisses, my beautiful mother. I work on this book every day for about ten hours a day, and without thinking about it anymore, I take two Demerol in measured doses. I never increase the dose; I stick to the prescribed amount, so I am not abusing the drug. At least, I don't think so. I am using it for 'off label' use. I recognize that there are other benefits to narcotics besides pain relief. But let me clear, I am following the instructions on the label and I do not hide this from my doctor.
I think of Cary Grant's experiments with LSD, which he used over sixty times. How doctors right here in America used to prescribe MDMA - Ecstasy - as a psychotherapeutic tool. I've never been a drug addict, and I like to be in control far too much to become one. And I've used LSD, years ago when I was young, and I don't regret it. It opened up the world for me. It didn't change me just for the period of time I was using it. It changed me forever. I saw the world in all its beauty when I was on acid, and I still see those things - when I look. I wouldn't do it again; I wouldn't do any illegal drug again. I have far too much respect for their power to do this, and besides, I'm too old to be so foolish.
Article comments
1 - Bob A. Booey
Nice confession. Thanks for sharing. I have a hard time focusing long enough to read what you write, but this is probably the most personal and cogent thing I've seen you write yet.
2 - Douglas Mays
Sadi, right on stuff! My wife and I dread having to deal with a different pharmacy than the ones that know us. Spouse takes mood stablizers and sleep meds for legitimate disorders. We would not be married if it weren't for certain meds. I have siezure disorder that requires meds. Hey, I gladly take them on schedule daily! Siezures really suck.
Anyway, I agree with what you posted. Certain drugs were created for specific reasons. Abuse by those who don't need them put people like us under the 'addict' suspicions. And doctors fears of even writing a needed script!
Ugh, I could go on...
you know what I mean.
peaceloveguidance
3 - Eric Olsen
Sadi, very honest, brave and thoughtful - painful to read, even - but rarely do we get such insight.
4 - srp
sorry to hear about the pharmacy issues - this is a major problem for many people with chronic pain. i just switched pharmacies for the first time in many years, because the new management was so judgemental about this, and in truth, there's nothing i can do about what i am prescribed to take, and i do not need to be judged by those who don't know me, my life, etc. - and neither do you. you have a right to better than treatment than that -- innocent until proven guilty, but sadly, often assumed guilty.
ah well.
never dwell.
just move on, keep it going, and be proud of all that you do DESPITE that kind of shit.
ya know?
srp
5 - Eric Olsen
the medical community and society in general are always trying to find the right balance between treatment and suspicion and the pendulum swings back and forth never quite finding the middle - this would seem to be one area where a personal relationship (with doctor, pharmacist) would make a huge difference
6 - Kmmjr
we get put on the durgs with never knowing what they can do to us benzos and ssri's in my case now i have to taper but that has not worked some doctors tell me this cant happen some say it can some just say your a lier to even have a life you have to buy off black markets because know will have you for what benzo durg makeer have done to people all the pain we have gone thouth they sad make a cure to set thing back to the why we use to be with all that money yhey make off of us this will not happen to more paople stand and fight back anyway they can. email me if you like.