If often begins with false charges – outrageous fabrications about the quality (or lack thereof) of your work, which is either an outright fabrication or hinged on some really trivial thing which that if anyone else did it, would go unmentioned. But in your case, this becomes a world crisis because she’s been gunning for you from the minute she laid her jealous, piggy eyes on you or your resume or both, especially if both are pretty good. And if you’re anything like me, this in and of itself is bewildering, because you never thought you were so great –and like everyone, have your insecurities.
Clearly, what she perceives when she looks at you and what you perceive when you look at you, are not the same thing, and for just this once, it would actually be better if the bully saw you the way you do with your distorted body image and the three-thousand dollar therapy bill that you racked up trying to work out your body-image issues and that you carry around in your jean’s pocket on your gigantic butt. That all of the things that you are so unsure of, and the experience you wish you had, she will overplay on your resume. To the bully, you are larger than life.
This is probably the only time in your life when you will really wish that someone saw you as less than you are. The problem, among many others, with the bully’s perception, is that it takes each of your good qualities and then magnifies them with an electron microscope intensity; if the two you could actually get together – you with your dysmorphia and her with her envy of all that is you – maybe you could come up with a realistic portrait of who you really are.
You threaten because you are pretty and you don’t know it, or you don’t care, or don’t think about it. You threaten because you are driven and smart but not cut-throat. You threaten because you you’re going places but in an honorable way, by working hard and not using politics. And more often than not, targets of bullies are the most well-liked people in the workplace – liked by men and women alike. What the bully fails to see is that what makes you attractive, and this she will never understand, is what is inside of you. Your bully may look like a supermodel and still envy your looks because the lens she is looking through is warped.
In some ways, the bully is right to envy you. There is a certain beauty born of trust, lightness and a kind heart – the things that made everyone like you in the first place and made her hate you – those are the things that make you beautiful. Think of Meryl Streep in Sophie’s Choice, her be incandescence; think of the absolutely radiant Juliette Binoche in The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I hear you say, But this is not me, and maybe so, but I can tell you that it is this quality that you must possess to some degree, because it is chum for bullies. A bully feels so heavy, so burdened with need and insecurity and seething envy, that your lightness is unbearable to her. As British expert and anti-bully advocate Tim Field notes, “Only the best are bullied.”
Article comments
1 - Vick
This is so true, I never quite looked at it this way. I feel like jealousy is the biggest factor in all the 'Bulling'
I can see so many of these signs in a woman that I "team" work with.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am just as important as she is, and I didn't get to where I got by sicking anyones d&**(.
Thanks Sade for such an eye opening article.
Vick
2 - sadi
glad you liked it. it happens to both sexes, i believe, but here i focused only on female-female bullying as this is treated a lot less seriously, at least in America, it has not, as far as i could tell, passed into law. I hope that some day in the near future laws are passed against this kind of workplace bullying. That 12 out of 100 women will commit suicide because of such cirucmstances is an alarmingly high number, and there are countless others who turn to drugs, alcohol and the like in a vain effort to self-medicate. It's bad enough that someone else is bullying you, but worse that one would then take the hurt out on themselves (an all too common reaction, i'm afraid). For anyone reading this and in need of support, i highly recommend the links at the end of the article. Also, post to me and i'd be happy to send you more urls and support sites that inform you of your legal rights, attorneys who specialize in this sort of thing, and offer any practical advice. While i have never been invovled in a suit such as this myself, i did a great deal of research for this piece and found, hooray, that there are many resources. Self-abuse is never the answer. Put your anger where it belongs and turn it into something constructive for you...
Vick: sorry to hear you've had experience with this. I"m glad the piece was helpful to you. I hope it reaches men and women alike who may be experiencing this at the time of this writing.
cheers,
sade
3 - Mark Edward Manning
Sadi, just wanted to add my "congrats" on a very well-written entry and to say that I've chatted with women who say they'll never work for a female boss. It's ironic that women actually want to work for men, but they figure any degradation would at least be easily explained by the fact that they're men. But then, most men are smart these days and they keep their thoughts and instincts to themselves. Some are even genuinely sympathetic. But I can believe that women are as much a part of workplace bullying as men are/can be, and I think it goes to show that there can be no perfect boss as long as said boss is human.
4 - Bob A. Booey
I am a New American Bully, TM.
No, not really.
I can't bring myself to read any of Sadi's pieces yet, so the "crazy or bright" designation will have to wait until I'm in the mood to read this stuff. For what it's worth, I'll probably read this one since she didn't write it. More commentary later.
That is all.
5 - AW
Wow. This is like the story of my life right here. I just quit my job. Walked out. This cheered me up and made me feel better.
Thanks.
6 - srp
hey AW.
cool!~ i'm glad. i just left a job too, similar nonsense. it's good to know there is more in teh world and for the record, every time i have left a job or whatever because of a situation like this, i have always moved up at least a step and made more money. in the final account, it gets me further, and i'm sure the same for you too....
thx. for reading through; yes it was a long.... srp
7 - beenthere_b4
Great article!Another term for female bullying is relational aggression, or RA for short. Unfortunately this type of behavior isn't limited to the workplace. Nearly everywhere women congregate there exists RA, even in someplaces many women may think they're safe. Relational aggression can take place within families, especially between in-laws. Many women complain of backstabbing, controlling in-laws, especially mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law. Also, within volunteer organizations queen-bee bullies are rampant. Countless women complain of cliquey PTO's run by bully moms.Bully moms are also in Youth sports, youth clubs and organizations like 4-H and scouting. Sadly, sometimes the target's own child can be caught in the crossfire, being singled out and shunned by the other children. Churches are another place where some of the cruelest bullying takes place. In a seemingly safe place like a house of worship, many victims are easily blindsided and backstabbed by women who seem like perfect Christians to everyone else. (sigh) Yeah, I don't trust women that much. Some women NEVER left high school!
8 - jennifer
Sometimes the bully is your bosses' secretary. My supervising attorneys have a secretary who is supposed to be a "great resource." She does nothing but give me problems when I try to rely on her "expertise", gossip behind my back, and talk about my inadequacies as an associate. Recently she has been outright snide with me. She sabotages me, as she has every associate that has come before me in this position. I am sick of it. I have begun keeping a detailed log, and if HR won't help, I am seriously considering suing her for dafamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress. As a plaintiff (in the US) I won't have to pay unless I win. As the defendant, she will have to pay for her defense, and the law firm we work for can't help her since they are conflicted out by being both of our employers.
I hope that I one day can make her as miserable as she makes me.
9 - sadi ranson-polizzotti
keep a detailed lot for sure... with exact wording, dates, other people present and keep a paper trail by forwarding any internal memos or emails to an email acccount specifically for this purpose ONLY so that it is secure and you know what it is for. Then consult a lawyer for sexual harassment, because that is what it is. female to female sexual harassment happens all the time, and you should move forward with it - she's preventing you from doing your job and creating a hostile work environment - i don't know what else she is doing but i bet the fact that you are also a woman and that she treats men differently (just a guess) is a point in your favor if you sue. In either case, file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, HR, follow the channels, create a paper trail. It won't get you anywhere, but when you have yoru day before a judge, it is the only thing that will help you win.....
i'm glad you found this -
s.r.p.
10 - sakurasan
Very insightful, very helpful, indeed. You are pretty much describing my life (except that most of my bullying encounters happen in volunteer and church settings). For the first time I have a tangible, reasonable idea of why I only seem to make enemies with other women. My inability to have healthy female friendships is uncanny. As a result of this, I feel isolated and alienated not just from other women but from myself. I often feel that I somehow must not be a "real woman", because real women get along, have best girlfriends, chat, and have fun. I have never had that blessing, and I do wish for it badly. However, if it involves my trading in other treasured relationships (like my husband & kids), talents, or interests just to be accepted by other women, I must decline.
Before reading this article, I simply accepted there is something oddly wrong about me, something that just infuriates other women no matter what. You have shown me some things that I can relate to, that I feel are true about me and about the kind of women who bully me. It is counter-intuitive to think that women may actually target "good girls" more because the "goodness" is what infuriates them, not bitchiness. Btw, I'm not saying I'm "good", I'm simply saying that being "good, kind, etc" are important things to me. Who would have thought that my not wanting to be a bitch is exactly what makes bullies angry.
11 - sadi ranson-polizzotti
Hi Sakurasan;
I'm glad you found this helpful -- I did a lot of research and deep thinking for this piece and a lot of people have written to me, publicly and privately, to thank me for this piece and i appreciate your words. What I wrote about "goodness" is true and you need not make any qualifiers about being "good" - being "good" simply means being pure of heart in this case, pure of bad intention, and I think nothing infuriates a bully more than this because it is something they are not and never will be or can be and so the jealosy sets in and so begins a cycle of bullying that can be so destructive, some targets of bullies have committed suicide - a sadly not uncommon outcome of really bad bullying situations at any age...So this piece is intended to help those of us or those who have been targets to see better and more clearly and realize that is the bully at fault and to begin to understand your situation in any way you can --- think of Lady Di and the Queen. Perfect example.
Be well,
Sadi tant mieux
12 - Jimena
En Buenos Aires, Argentina, jamás vi a lo que ustedes llaman matón...esas cosas acá ni existen...soy tan afortunada...como los pintan, parecen aterradores...
saludos desde Buenos Aires
jimena
Here in Buenos Aires, Argentine, i've never seen what you call "bullies"...those people don't even exist here...i'm soo lucky...as you show them, they seem frightening...
greetings from Buenos Aires
Jimena