You’ll think you’re going crazy. You’ll think you are weak, and you’ll second-guess everything you thought you knew and you’ll fear that you are a stereotype of a ‘victim.’ You’ll say, Why me? As if there is any answer to this other than, Because you are you, and I can tell you with certainty that what is happening to you has nothing to do with inadequacy or badness in any form, and has everything to do with the fact that you are good and maybe not a bitch, but sadly, maybe Stephen King’s creation, Dolores Clairborne was right when she said, “Sometimes bein’ a bitch is the only thing a woman’s got to hold onto.” But it’s more likely that you will be shocked and saddened and confused and for a while anyway, unable to react. The effects of bullying have been likened to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
To further complicate, co-bullies may even begin filing complaints or making noises about your performance, because the bully has mentioned her issues with you to them and they are protecting their careers and sucking up to the proverbial ass. And even if the complaints have no merit, no matter. You may even find yourself apologizing, because you’ve wanted to do so well and thought you were and because you’re good, you naturally assume that if someone is telling you that your work isn’t up to snuff, it must be true, and you’re a good girl and you aim to please, and she will encourage you in this guilt. You’ll say sorry all the time. You’ll say sorry for saying sorry, because she’ll say something stupid and bitchy like, Don’t say you’re sorry for being sorry, just be sorry you can’t get it right.
What is bullying?
A good, basic checklist to work from is the following. While there are some bosses who do some or a few of these things, a bully usually does everything on the checklist and has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. A bad manager may treat everyone this way, but a bully will single out one person and treat her in this way.
Being singled out in a group and mocked and/or humiliated. Things will be said as a “joke” that are clearly not funny. Other workers may even laugh, usually because they are uncomfortable. Most will eventually see that you are being treated differently or singled out, but don’t know what to do about it.
Attempts to undermine your position and value; may give you a lesser job title or fewer responsibilities. If you were on a high-profile project, you may be taken off of it. The good projects will go to other workers who may be less qualified than you for the task.
Undermines your contribution to the company and finds fault with your work, when there is none. Or, takes minor mistakes and makes them into Examples and uses as such to teach the group What Not To Do. This is usually done in meetings or on conference calls.
Makes your job description so vague and unclear that it is impossible for you to do a job that is undefined. Likewise, making it unclear as to who you report to, leaving you in a void.
Creating goals and deadlines that a.) are unrealistic and b.), are imposed only on you, not other members of the team.
Plagiarizing your work and taking credit for your ideas.
Refusing communication; ignoring instant messages, e-mails, phone calls, and other attempts on your part to clarify a situation or need for direction – refusing to give adequate direction.
Making degrading comments about your work or even your other interests. These comments escalate and often become personal, especially if you remain unreactive, the bully will up the ante and the comments will become more and more inappropriate, possibly insuating things of a sexual nature.
Making fun of your heritage or background, the way you look, where you went to school, your interests, etc.
Being excluded from the group.
Being demoted, placed lower on the organizational chart and without explanation.
Given work of a trivial nature, or having work that is not trivial, trivialized and undervalued. Group contribution undervalued.
Fabricated disciplines for mistakes that you didn’t make, but are ascribed to you nonetheless; blaming you for things that are not your responsibility.
Behavior and attitude that is mocking, minimizing and outright degrading. Minimizes your contribution, your achievements, and awards others with very public awards for doing half the work that you have done (a slap in the face).
Making it so that you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t; if you ask questions, you are reprimanded or taunted; if you do not ask questions, you are treated like you’re stupid.
Turning other employees against you who previously stood by you; this may also occur if you turn to them for support, and since they don’t see this side of her, you come off as paranoid or overly sensitive and emotional. If anyone tries to support you, she will indicate that there simply “is no problem” and that it’s “all in your head.”
Article comments
1 - Vick
This is so true, I never quite looked at it this way. I feel like jealousy is the biggest factor in all the 'Bulling'
I can see so many of these signs in a woman that I "team" work with.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am just as important as she is, and I didn't get to where I got by sicking anyones d&**(.
Thanks Sade for such an eye opening article.
Vick
2 - sadi
glad you liked it. it happens to both sexes, i believe, but here i focused only on female-female bullying as this is treated a lot less seriously, at least in America, it has not, as far as i could tell, passed into law. I hope that some day in the near future laws are passed against this kind of workplace bullying. That 12 out of 100 women will commit suicide because of such cirucmstances is an alarmingly high number, and there are countless others who turn to drugs, alcohol and the like in a vain effort to self-medicate. It's bad enough that someone else is bullying you, but worse that one would then take the hurt out on themselves (an all too common reaction, i'm afraid). For anyone reading this and in need of support, i highly recommend the links at the end of the article. Also, post to me and i'd be happy to send you more urls and support sites that inform you of your legal rights, attorneys who specialize in this sort of thing, and offer any practical advice. While i have never been invovled in a suit such as this myself, i did a great deal of research for this piece and found, hooray, that there are many resources. Self-abuse is never the answer. Put your anger where it belongs and turn it into something constructive for you...
Vick: sorry to hear you've had experience with this. I"m glad the piece was helpful to you. I hope it reaches men and women alike who may be experiencing this at the time of this writing.
cheers,
sade
3 - Mark Edward Manning
Sadi, just wanted to add my "congrats" on a very well-written entry and to say that I've chatted with women who say they'll never work for a female boss. It's ironic that women actually want to work for men, but they figure any degradation would at least be easily explained by the fact that they're men. But then, most men are smart these days and they keep their thoughts and instincts to themselves. Some are even genuinely sympathetic. But I can believe that women are as much a part of workplace bullying as men are/can be, and I think it goes to show that there can be no perfect boss as long as said boss is human.
4 - Bob A. Booey
I am a New American Bully, TM.
No, not really.
I can't bring myself to read any of Sadi's pieces yet, so the "crazy or bright" designation will have to wait until I'm in the mood to read this stuff. For what it's worth, I'll probably read this one since she didn't write it. More commentary later.
That is all.
5 - AW
Wow. This is like the story of my life right here. I just quit my job. Walked out. This cheered me up and made me feel better.
Thanks.
6 - srp
hey AW.
cool!~ i'm glad. i just left a job too, similar nonsense. it's good to know there is more in teh world and for the record, every time i have left a job or whatever because of a situation like this, i have always moved up at least a step and made more money. in the final account, it gets me further, and i'm sure the same for you too....
thx. for reading through; yes it was a long.... srp
7 - beenthere_b4
Great article!Another term for female bullying is relational aggression, or RA for short. Unfortunately this type of behavior isn't limited to the workplace. Nearly everywhere women congregate there exists RA, even in someplaces many women may think they're safe. Relational aggression can take place within families, especially between in-laws. Many women complain of backstabbing, controlling in-laws, especially mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law. Also, within volunteer organizations queen-bee bullies are rampant. Countless women complain of cliquey PTO's run by bully moms.Bully moms are also in Youth sports, youth clubs and organizations like 4-H and scouting. Sadly, sometimes the target's own child can be caught in the crossfire, being singled out and shunned by the other children. Churches are another place where some of the cruelest bullying takes place. In a seemingly safe place like a house of worship, many victims are easily blindsided and backstabbed by women who seem like perfect Christians to everyone else. (sigh) Yeah, I don't trust women that much. Some women NEVER left high school!
8 - jennifer
Sometimes the bully is your bosses' secretary. My supervising attorneys have a secretary who is supposed to be a "great resource." She does nothing but give me problems when I try to rely on her "expertise", gossip behind my back, and talk about my inadequacies as an associate. Recently she has been outright snide with me. She sabotages me, as she has every associate that has come before me in this position. I am sick of it. I have begun keeping a detailed log, and if HR won't help, I am seriously considering suing her for dafamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress. As a plaintiff (in the US) I won't have to pay unless I win. As the defendant, she will have to pay for her defense, and the law firm we work for can't help her since they are conflicted out by being both of our employers.
I hope that I one day can make her as miserable as she makes me.
9 - sadi ranson-polizzotti
keep a detailed lot for sure... with exact wording, dates, other people present and keep a paper trail by forwarding any internal memos or emails to an email acccount specifically for this purpose ONLY so that it is secure and you know what it is for. Then consult a lawyer for sexual harassment, because that is what it is. female to female sexual harassment happens all the time, and you should move forward with it - she's preventing you from doing your job and creating a hostile work environment - i don't know what else she is doing but i bet the fact that you are also a woman and that she treats men differently (just a guess) is a point in your favor if you sue. In either case, file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, HR, follow the channels, create a paper trail. It won't get you anywhere, but when you have yoru day before a judge, it is the only thing that will help you win.....
i'm glad you found this -
s.r.p.
10 - sakurasan
Very insightful, very helpful, indeed. You are pretty much describing my life (except that most of my bullying encounters happen in volunteer and church settings). For the first time I have a tangible, reasonable idea of why I only seem to make enemies with other women. My inability to have healthy female friendships is uncanny. As a result of this, I feel isolated and alienated not just from other women but from myself. I often feel that I somehow must not be a "real woman", because real women get along, have best girlfriends, chat, and have fun. I have never had that blessing, and I do wish for it badly. However, if it involves my trading in other treasured relationships (like my husband & kids), talents, or interests just to be accepted by other women, I must decline.
Before reading this article, I simply accepted there is something oddly wrong about me, something that just infuriates other women no matter what. You have shown me some things that I can relate to, that I feel are true about me and about the kind of women who bully me. It is counter-intuitive to think that women may actually target "good girls" more because the "goodness" is what infuriates them, not bitchiness. Btw, I'm not saying I'm "good", I'm simply saying that being "good, kind, etc" are important things to me. Who would have thought that my not wanting to be a bitch is exactly what makes bullies angry.
11 - sadi ranson-polizzotti
Hi Sakurasan;
I'm glad you found this helpful -- I did a lot of research and deep thinking for this piece and a lot of people have written to me, publicly and privately, to thank me for this piece and i appreciate your words. What I wrote about "goodness" is true and you need not make any qualifiers about being "good" - being "good" simply means being pure of heart in this case, pure of bad intention, and I think nothing infuriates a bully more than this because it is something they are not and never will be or can be and so the jealosy sets in and so begins a cycle of bullying that can be so destructive, some targets of bullies have committed suicide - a sadly not uncommon outcome of really bad bullying situations at any age...So this piece is intended to help those of us or those who have been targets to see better and more clearly and realize that is the bully at fault and to begin to understand your situation in any way you can --- think of Lady Di and the Queen. Perfect example.
Be well,
Sadi tant mieux
12 - Jimena
En Buenos Aires, Argentina, jamás vi a lo que ustedes llaman matón...esas cosas acá ni existen...soy tan afortunada...como los pintan, parecen aterradores...
saludos desde Buenos Aires
jimena
Here in Buenos Aires, Argentine, i've never seen what you call "bullies"...those people don't even exist here...i'm soo lucky...as you show them, they seem frightening...
greetings from Buenos Aires
Jimena