The Magical Hanukkahtime Section Variety Hour is an eight-day cruise through every section at BC Magazine except the one where the author has any knowledge whatsoever. On the first evening: BC Culture!
Turn your computer off. Go outside. Look around you. At least 58 percent of the people within 90 feet of you could be clinically described as "rude" or having "rude-like tendencies." This once-unspoken epidemic has been finally addressed by TV personality and soul peerer Oprah Winfrey, who has helped humankind help itself with a helpful quiz to determine chronic rudeness. As part of my civic duty to become more like a MySpace user, here are the results of my survey:
1. Are you chronically late?
Every month. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever menstruated on time.
2. Have you ever typed an e-mail while talking on the phone?
Only while driving.
3. Have you ever interrupted a face-to-face conversation to take a non-urgent cell phone call?
Using my telekinetic powers, I am able to deduce the nature and tone of the caller's message before my phone even rings. Given this, I'll always ... hold on, I might have to take this.
4. Have you gone through a supermarket 10-item express lane with more than 10 items?
I only shop at Wal-Mart, where the express checkout lines are, not 10, but 20 items or less. I also teach my children valuable lessons about manners by yelling at them in the toy department. I cut off other shoppers, waste time by standing in front of the milk aisle, and generally put other items back on shelves in which they are not supposed to be. But no, I never abuse the express lane privileges.
5. While among friends or co-workers, have you yawned without covering your mouth?
I guard against visually showing disinterest by glazing my eyes over or tangentially thinking about packing peanuts at the very mention of my co-workers adorable anecdote about their cat coughing up its heartworm pill. So no.
6. Have you ever texted or talked on a cell phone in a movie theater?
If you know a better way to siphon spoilers for Marley & Me to Rotten Tomatoes, I'm open to ideas.
7. Have you let your dog relieve himself on your neighbor's lawn?
Look, Scruffles isn't on trial here. If he wants to subscribe to Doggie AOL on his own hard-begged dollar and take this survey, that's his prerogative.
8. Have you ever cut in front of someone in line?
But for third grade art class I laminated a Backsies Diplomatic Immunity Card!
9. Have you ever stolen someone's parking spot?
Well, once:
10. Have you ever let your child kick the back of the seat in front of him and not apologized to his victim?
Such apologies are delivered via cell phone text message.
11. Have you ever not RSVP'd to an event by the date requested?
I get 173 invites to random events on Facebook every week and am faced with a moral dilemma to click "No" to every parochial even like "My band is playing at a local bar" or "I'm doing a live blog of Heroes, watch me type!" So the answer is no, I've always hit "No."
12. Have you ever gossiped?
Not me, no. That sounds more like something Kathy from A/R would do after maybe half a Long Island Iced Tea.
13. Have you ever taken someone else's food or drink from the office refrigerator?
Hold on, my friend is calling.
Article comments
1 - Robert M. Barga
Just wondering, but isn't Oprah's show just gossip?
2 - Joanne Huspek
Oh, my. This is hilarious.