But since it's only dating, a casual approach is good.
You can meet someone for a drink or coffee even if they don't look like "the one." You can never really know a person until you meet them in the flesh, which is the whole point of dating in the first place.
Anyone who stands you up or otherwise disses you in any way is no good, period.
If he’s a no-show from the get-go, get out before you even get on board that love train. If they won't leave a message on your machine to let you know they can't make it, there's a reason why – like a wife, perhaps, or just a power/headgame trip at your expense. Make it a one-way exit.
Don’t expect true love, or even true like.
If you find it, it’ll be when you least expect it. Best thing to do is aim for friendship, with similar rules: no abusive behavior on either side; honesty; and the good old golden rule.
Desperation is a buzz kill.
I’m in quite a sweet spot, since my ex-boyfriend and I are the best of friends. He’s spoiled me for anyone else, thus far. Desperation will lead to desperate measures. And men and women alike can smell desperation – the stink of it penetrates into the darkest depths of cyberspace – despite the fact that we don’t yet have the means to scratch and sniff our potential partner online (pheromone download, anyone?)
Less is more.
Brevity is a virtue; don’t be in a rush; don't reveal too much too soon; engage as many as you can and politely weed out all but the ones who seem worth a gander. With any luck, this will leave enough contenders to keep you busy.
I could go on, but for now I’d treasure some feedback and maybe even some pointers. What say you all?
Article comments
1 - Ruvy
Elvira,
Back in the days when the computers were young and on-line dating was new, I kept looking for the socket for my er well, you know, and couldn't ever seem to find it. Now that I'm happily married (I met my wife the old fashioned way) and don't need on-line dating services, I still can't seem to find that magic socket on the computer for my er, well you know.
Is that what the G-spot is on the CPU? I mean, how else can a guy get on-line sex?
That was a great read, by the way....
2 - Ruvy
By the way, there is this soft porn site pretending to be a dating site advertising on my computer. On one side of the computer is this pretty girl, with a name, allegedly from the UK, who is 25. On the top of the computer, is a photo of this same girl, with a different name, different age - also allegedly from the UK.
So much for photos at internet dating sites, eh?
3 - mrdockellis
Seems easier to join a monastery or a nunnery than jump through all those hoops.
Somewhat more seriously though, this is our techno-glorious version of blind dates. Everyone knows blind dates suck.
4 - Elvira Black
Thanks Ruvy:
Herman the Mac, my cyber-soulmate, was stolen last year. After a suitable Jewish mourning period of a year, I bought a Dell, which I think is metrosexual. We're still getting to know each other, but I think he plays around--he tends to pick up spyware and attracts other computers that my elicit a daily warning of "do not trust." Maybe he is a she...
5 - Elvira Black
Mr. Dock:
As Ruvy can attest to, Orthodox Jews say prayers every morning and evening. In the morning, they thank the Higher Power for not making them a woman.
Being female is, well, a bitch. You guys don't even pay attention to those ubiquitous commercials (I know you zone out, don't deny it) for the perfect hair conditioner, mascara, lipstick, clothing, shoes, weight loss program, birth control device, pills and "software" for "that time of the month," and so on, ad nauseum...
Though I was a bit of a tomboy, the message for us girls was always heard loud and clear: someday my Prince will come: if I'm pretty enough, charming enough, perfect enough, thin enough--and wear the perfect shade of lipgloss. C'est la vie...
6 - Elvira Black
As for blind dates, well, everyone knows love is blind (and often deaf and dumb as well). Over a decade ago when I was in between (very) long term relationships, I did some online dating, but at that time it truly was a "flying blind" sort of endeavor since most did not have the software available to post photos, with the inevitable "tragic" results.
Lots of emails back and forth; online compatibility galore; secrets (even fantasies) shared; hopes built up. And then, the day (or evening) of reckoning arrives and...
Let's face it, esp with men, if the "chemistry" isn't there, all the "compatibility" in the world usually won't matter. And just being "friends?" Hah.
Here at least anyone halfway serious will post a photo or five. Of course, with the scammers the photo will be of some anonymous model, or perhaps a picture from more youthful days.
Dating is hell, period, blind or with "eyes wide shut." I met some guys offline and found that "chemistry" can prove to be a toxic brew.
7 - Elvira Black
Ruvy:
At the rate we're going, I'm fairly sure that one day soon there will truly be no need to leave the house. We'll have virtual partners that emerge from the screen as holograms. Wait and see...
And yes, I've seen ads that show women dancing in profile that are selling...er...mortgages. Anything to grab your attention, including, er, pop ups...
8 - lara
meetup has too many dorks. i prefer passionsearch.com. so many cute, eligible guys!
9 - Mark Buckingham
Good read, and glad to see you back on the site. After a handful of long-term relationships based on in-person meetings, all with tragic endings, it just so happened that I found someone who surpassed them all, connecting via a random comment on MySpace. We inadvertently followed the formula here, with a few months of IMing, a no-strings-attached in-person rendezvous, and hit it off.
Having been getting to know people largely via the Internet for years, I can endorse what you're saying here, having developed some thicker skin myself, but I've also met some really great people online, so there is hope.
10 - Elvira Black
Er, "Lara," I smell an advertisement/endorsement there...meetup is not a dating site, and I couldn't possibly say that they are all dorks, since they have thousands of different groups based on group activities (though some are singles-oriented, many many others are not).
11 - Elvira Black
Hey Mark:
Thanks, and yes, sometimes meeting online, esp in an inadvertent way, can arguably be "better" because there's no strings, no pressure, and the most important ingredient of all--friendship--will hopefully prevail regardless of whether a romantic attachment develops. IMO, friendship is a vital requisite for any relationship to stand a chance. Otherwise, one can wind up hating with the same intensity and fervor as one once "loved."
Again, that's why the idea of meetup.com is so great...using the internet to meet like minded people. The only drawback that esp in NYC there's a "party" or event (or ten) every day and night, so I wind up feeling like a fool if I wind up staying home...lol...
12 - Dave Houk
I think that the profile pictures are indeed the most important part of your profile if you are trying to achieve success. I think that every dating site out there should make it mandatory to upload a photo.