I found myself in a situation yesterday that got me thinking about the way we interact verbally with one another. I got a desperate call from a neighbor asking for my help. Her kitten had fallen behind the washer and there was no room for a human to get behind it, nor could she pull the washer out of its ‘closet space’. We had to climb on top of the washer and reach in behind and pull the kitten up by the scruff.
After this was accomplished and the lint was dusted from the kitten, she thanked me profusely for the rescue and also for not saying “That’s almost as bad as…” When I asked her what she meant, she asked me had I never noticed how people always say they’ve had worse things happen to them than you have? This was the first time I’d met someone else who was bothered by this.
I have occasionally noticed this pattern in speech before and while it’s sometimes humorous, more often than not it's annoying. Only after she reminded me, though, did I stop to analyze why we do it.
I can understand when you are telling a person you had an unexpected expense that was tough to deal with and they reply that they can relate, then go on to tell you of their most recent unexpected outlay. That, I think, is their way of saying they have been through what you’re going through. Another phrase is, of course, “Been there!”
But what I’m really talking about is the one-upmanship or ‘I’m better than you are’ meaning behind that phrase "almost as bad."
"Oh yeah, that’s almost as bad as…”
Now, there may be times when indeed, my experience might not have been as bad as one they’ve been through, but even in that case, isn’t it still wrong to begin dialog with someone in that way?
Article comments
1 - Nancy
I'm guilty of this. I think we all are to some extent. But when I think about it, I don't say it to one-up someone as to let them know they aren't alone in their misfortune, whatever it is: it's happened before, to someone else. But you're right, it doesn't come across that way, does it? Good call to wake up & become more conscious about it. Thanks.
2 - duane
Right on the money, Ginger.
3 - Elsa
I like it that you are a hero woman who saves your neighbor's cat!
4 - Ginger Haycox
Elsa; if I didn't, my own three would never meow to me again! Can't have that! =)
5 - Kaonashi
As part of a work-related seminar, I once attended a workshop that dealt with learning to listen properly. One of the exercises we did was partner up and listen to our partner speak for about 2 minutes. During that time we aren't to interrupt them at all.
The workshop moderator explained to us that often times we're not really listening to the other person. We're just waiting for the chance to offer our two cents or, as you mention in this article, compete with the other person with a better story. We don't realize that we would learn so much more from our conversation partners if we just take a moment to actually listen to and absorb what they're saying, rather than just waiting for your moment to talk.
6 - Ginger Haycox
Kaonashi; I agree with your seminar moderator. You can actually see people fidgeting and sighing sometimes, just waiting to launch into their own narrative.
My uncle passed on advice to me as a kid; you'll never learn anything as long as you pretend you know everything. He told me it took him until he was into his 40's to learn that and it was probably the most valuable thing he *did* learn.
Shut up and listen...really listen.
7 - Nancy
That's very good advice; I hope I can learn it. It also makes one a LOT more popular, I imagine.
8 - Traveler
Very, very true. At the same time, I'm thinking about your daughter, and others who may respond like her. I think a lot of the time people who act like her just do it because they don't know any better, they DON'T stop to think, that's the point. We are very conditioned to automatically respond with our own stories. Or, we are embarrassed, don't know how to empathize, and that's our best attempt at being helpful. I know I have been guilty of one-upmanship, and felt pretty silly, but just did not know what else to say. It does take practice and mindfulness.
9 - Douglas Mays
yes. no matter how bad anyone's 'bad' story is, you still have to deal with it.
not facing the issue is an excuse for someone's 'bad' story. some people have such bad stories they don't see what the problem actually is.
10 - nohj
Communication that starts out with “Once again, let me remind you that…” puts people on the defensive, distracting from the productive message. Those 7 words waste time for both the writer and receiver, whereas going straight to the action recommended removes all waste. Why spend even 2 minutes trying to prove that the idiot who said that had never before answered the Q, so why would the say "let me remind you" ?? My immediate response is "#%@$^ U#*@ too, Sir!"
11 - sherbear
it's having consideration or behaving inconsiderately...in my opinion being taught the difference is on the wane and the chest-pumping ME-ME! atitude is on the rise, sadly.
12 - onewholistens
Thank you for writing this story. I deplore the one upmanship game..toxic waste is what is...
13 - Ginger Haycox
onewholistens -- imagine my surprise to see this old blog post get some attention, but thank you so much for reading & appreciating what I was trying to convey. I agree that as many times as it's done innocently, there are those people who just have to be worse off than the worst thing that happened to us.
Thanks for reading...