Dear Elsa,
I moved to Bangkok from the States when I was three months pregnant, after realizing the father of my baby was having secret sexual relationships with other women. He has made many attempts to get me to come back. I won't. However, I am lonely here with my mom, and I want to raise my daughter with a husband.
My most longstanding male friend who also lives in the States seems to be interested. He is emotionally honest, calm and compassionate... but he is 60 years old. I fear having a relationship with someone so much older, due to social stigma and due to the potential of having sex. I am also afraid of exposing my daughter to too much relationship weirdness.
Also, how do I deal with her father trying to make himself a part of our lives, when I don't want this? I am dealing with a bit of guilt about procreating with a person who caused me pain, and wondering whether to expose my daughter to him or not. Deep down, I know it's best not to. But this desire has been met with much social pressure from friends and family, in the form of "a girl's got to have a daddy". There's also the notion that he is ENTITLED to a relationship with her (via his biological connection), which is what he keeps emphasizing in his emails.
I have been celibate and out of contact with men for almost a year, and I am getting so lonely. What do you recommend I do? Stay here relatively isolated... or return to start a relationship with my old friend? I want to be working, involving myself with the public. But now I feel bored and isolated in tropical paradise.
Thank you,
Scorpio Mom
Dear Mom,
I think you will wind up going back to the States. Bottom line, you sound very uncomfortable where you are. It makes sense that being pregnant and cheated on, you would go to your mother. But the fact is, your baby is born now and it sounds like you are ready to start your (new) life.
If you wonder about this, just read your own writing. You have nothing good to say about “paradise” and I am sure it goes much deeper than that.
I think you have unfinished business in the States. If this were not the case, all your energy would not be concentrated over there. It makes no sense. So let’s talk about these men.
Article comments
1 - etna
I'm in a very similar situation, but I decided to let my baby's dad to be part of my baby's life. It's hard but I know it's the best thing to do. My baby boy will grow up, and he will see who was the one who was there for him.
Well another thing, my baby's dad is also a player.
He also want us to give it a try, and I still have feelings for him. He wants to take things slow, so we can make things work out. But he's not promesing anything.
And meanwhile he thiks it is ok that he has other girlfriends. It gets me frustated. I can't feel confortable with him know that he has another woman.
I have a friend who wants to get serious with me, I started dating him, he's a family man. My baby's dad found out, and he doest like it.
I can't really be with two men at the same time, but I dont know what to do. I want to be with my baby's dad, but I dont wanna play his game. I think the best thing to do is let him go.
However, I feel some kind of guilt with my son for taking away from him the opportunity to have both mom and dad together.
what should i do?
2 - BeautifulThings
Elsa, big hugs to you! Well said.
I am also in a similar situation.
I realize that my kids have a father whom they love and I would never try to impose some new man on them. But...
I'm lonely, and I want companionship. I want to have a boyfriend or significant other, even if its long distance.
On the other hand, I'm wracked with guilt because I doo feel like I should just grit my teeth and be with him to preserve the family.
3 - Missboss22091
I was 2 1/2 months pregnant with a 2 year old and the man i thought would be there for his children left me for a woman he got pregnant during a "break". he found out i was loosing a check and she was gaining one. long story short he doesnt want anything to do with my children and makes everything difficult from talking to his kids to child support. so i have quit trying to update him on his kids and i wait for his phone call around tax season to ask to claim them... it hurts but i have decided to go forward and get full custody and drop child support so my children can grow up in a happy home. maybe one day they will confront their father on this but for right now i try to keep them out of it so they do not get mixed feelings about their father... its best to let the kids decide