Location: Underground Bunker at The GOP's Ken Starr Memorial Strategy Center.
President Bush is accompanied by four Secret Service Agents and two puppeteers.
Bush struts through the titanium doors of the Starr Center and is escorted down a long, dark hall toward the media room.
On the way, Bush passes a room with a large plateglass window; Bush asks the puppeteers to allow him to stop. The entourage pauses while the President sticks his nose to the glass and peers inside.
There, attached to millions of wires terminating in a giant computer, is the head of Dick Cheney—floating in a greenish liquid inside a large jar and accompanied by Theramin music.
Bush waves, makes a goofy face, and sticks out his tongue.
Cheney winks and does that crooked half-smirk.
Bush and entourage continue into Media Room, where they're seated at a conference table in front of a giant flat-screen HD TV monitor.
CONSULTANT #1: Sir, we've put together another stealth TV ad financed by your fishin' buddy in Texas.
BUSH: Perry? Yeah, he’s 'at ol' boy who did them Unfit for Command ads.
CONSULTANT #1: Yes sir. The Swift Boat Vets Against Kerry.
BUSH: AHAHAH! What a great organization!
CONSULTANT #1: Yes sir, we figured that one of the only things Kerry's got on you is his claim to military legitimacy. The hero thing. Fought the enemy. Saved lives. Got wounded. Medals. All that crap.
BUSH: Yep. He's got me beat on that, but don’t fergit: I was flyin' during Nam, but mostly between Texas, Alabama, and the 'boys ranch' just across the border in Mexico.
CONSULTANT #1: Really. Didn't know that. Anyway... So we've got to discredit the only two aspects of Kerry’s career that show some kind of decent leadership qualities. One was that Vietnam thing, which we've totally nuked, napalmed, and discredited thanks to some bribes and a few good actors.
BUSH: What's the other one?
CONSULTANT #1: Well, sir, I'd like to let the TV ad speak for itself. Roll tape, boy.
COLIN POWELL (kowtowing in his valet uniform): Yessir, massah, I be rollin' tape.
(Powell exits room; lights go down; giant TV monitor flickers to life)
MUSIC in background: Carmina Burana by Orff; music volume increases to huge crescendo as commercial progresses.
IMAGE: Collage of various men in business suits—seated facing camera, body lit, faces in shadows.
MAN #1: I served with John Kerry in the Skull and Bones Club at Yale. And he lied about his service. He's dishonest. He's a liar. He can't be trusted.
MAN#2: When Kerry was initiated into Skull and Bones, he ate a baby, sacrificed a virgin on an altar, and had sex with a goat that night. I saw it. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen. He's a monster...
MAN#3: I witnessed Kerry sodomizing the entire membership of the Skull & Bones, which was a requirement of all new recruits. He did it... just like we all did...
MAN#4: ...But the thing is—we were ashamed and didn't like it. Kerry was proud—and seemed to enjoy it. I think he's gay—and he definitely swallowed.
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