I suppose I should start this post out with some sort of reason why I hate emo people, but I really don't feel like it this time, nor do I think I need one. I just hate emos. I don't know why. Maybe it's because they're melodramatic. Maybe it's because I hate thick-rimmed glasses and white jeans. Maybe it's because I am envious of their blatant display of emotions, whereas I have been forced to hide them, like a suicidal clown with explosive diarrhea (yeah, that was a Jack Handey-ism).
Maybe I'll never know.
But one of the big things that irks me, as a college student with primarily college students on my AIM buddy list, is emo away messages. The one that especially put cayenne pepper in my rimjob was this one:
"How could you possibly tell me what I need, when I'm the last thing on your mind?"
OH THE PAIN!!! FEEL HIS ANGST!! RAAAHHH!!!
(Thankfully, it is a person on my list that I don't talk to anymore. So we're free to make fun of him, even more than my friends I actually talk to, not counting the ones in my head.)
But not everyone can come up with such pained, angst-ridden away messages without directly copying lyrics from Dashboard Confessional or Fallout Boy. It's a gift that frankly, only the few touched by God can possess and then lament. So to help those who, like me, are unable to express themselves through whiny, malnourished prose, I have created an easy-to-follow guide.
Here I (verb), filled with (noun), dying (preposition) myself while you don't even (one of the five senses) my (name of early Renaissance musical instrument). I (verb) myself and it hurts (adverb), again I die inside my (name of Australian instrument). Farewell, I (verb).
It's emo-tastic fun for the whole family! Here, let's try with a random bystander:
"Here I masturbate, filled with sawdust, dying through myself while you don't even smell my glockenspiel. I stab myself and it hurts whimsically, again I die inside my didgeridoo. Farewell, I glimpse."
So following my simple formula, you too can be filled with the angst and rage of even the best Grand Level Emos. You can thank me later.
Article comments
1 - Michael J. West
I'm pretty sure you're stealing my material, Ms. Snyder, but I'm laughing like Hell anyway.
2 - Michael J. West
On re-examination, I stand humbly corrected. You're not stealing my material, you're stealing Sussman's.
I have no problem with that.
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
It's common knowledge that she who has stolen my soul has full rights to steal my intelligent property.
I was going to whine about it by writing a crappy poem, but in the words of the immortal Rex Kramer in Airplane: "No. That's just what they'll be expecting us to do."
4 - Margaret Romao Toigo
I must be even more tragically un-hip than I thought because I actually had to go to Wikipedia to find out what "Emo" means, having failed to deduce its definition from the context of the article above.
You know, practically every time I tune in here to Blogcritics, I learn something new. Groovy!
5 - Chris Beaumont
That was some funny stuff!
6 - Scott Butki
Very clever.
7 - A.L. Harper
Here goes -
Here I laugh, filled with cream, dying under myself while you don't even taste my ocarina. I piss myself and it hurts jinglingly, again I die inside my gumleaf. Farewell, I eat.
Hey it works! I sound positively........! Do you have any others? That was fun!
8 - Eric Berlin
This story has been chosen as an Editors' Pick of the Week. You now have the grave yet giddy honor of selecting a story for next week's best of column if you like (time frame 2/1 " 2/7). Simply leave the title, URL, and a brief description of why you dig it on this week's post (link above).
Congrats!!
9 - Elvira Black
I think a lot of Blogcritics commenters are more emo than any tragically hip twentysomething lyric mangler could ever hope to be. But then again, I may be using the term emo too loosely, as non-purists tend to do.
Nevertheless, great post, and very handy formula!
10 - Vicki
Emo is such a weird cliche. They aspire to be miserable. go figure.
11 - Jet in Columbus
That's nice-wear a sweater
12 - shayla
hi babe its me shay at school on my goth name but school has blocked everything that is cool xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxlove u hune
13 - ghu
oh cool im emo why r u talking about gay crap like that but i only wear dark eye liner and and anything blcak and sometimes white or pink see im not that emo
14 - sr
And I thought an emo was a large flightless bird.