As I get older, I have come to realize that the personal space I once took for granted is becoming more and more scarce. Before I was married, I had on average, personal space in the 16 square foot range, give or take a few feet depending on where I was at any given time (make that three inches by three inches for crowded bars, dance floors or concerts - activities I once enjoyed but can no longer participate in.)
Beginning in '98 (coincidentally the year I was married) my personal space has diminished by at least 4 to 6 inches each year, leaving it at the current "0" I now enjoy.
Every day is a battle for space.
Alex, the 16-month-old gets first dibs on taking residence in my space - my butt to be specific. Maybe it's his height (or lack of) or the sheer vastness of it - either way, he has staken his claim on it. As the smallest but most vocal, the journey to the center of my sphincter begins upon waking. He spends a little time stretching out his limbs in preparation for his stay and then proceeds to climb right up my ass and remain there until I have to pry him off at daycare. The removal technique is a battle of wits between me, the staff and the young man.
We are sometimes forced to use psyops tactics to trick him: they might include distraction techniques ranging from a miniature "Cookie Monster" action figure to the "what's in the freezer" dance. Occasionally these passive measures work, but more often than not, a painful extraction method must be used that requires additional personnel, pliers and the strategic use of “The Itsy, Bitsy Spider." This is serious business, people.
If parasite number one has been successfully removed, it is on to parasite number two: five-year-old Lily. Don't let the batting eyelashes fool you: this is one tough mother to outmaneuver. Much larger than her younger brother, this butt-leech is full of girly wiles and can outsmart any seasoned vet. Each morning brings a new terror, from a minor freak-out such as clinging to my legs as I attempt to leave, to a full-on psycho-hissy-fit-meltdown.
Article comments
1 - NC
Very funny post. Well done.
2 - DrPat
Move over, Erma Bombeck!
(No, really, move over, sister - Dawn needs the space...)
3 - Eric Olsen
very funny if painfully true
4 - Dawn
Well, this morning was a prime example of a buttload of fun for me.
Thanks all!
5 - Steve S
sounds like a job for Supernanny. Do you all watch that show or Nanny 911?
6 - Mark Saleski
dawn's gonna be inducted into the blogging hall-o-fame for coining many a new blog-phrase:
1. assplow
2. crotch-hat
...and i'm sure many to follow.
7 - Dawn
Well, in all fairness, "assplow" was an Ericism, and "crotch-hat" is a word my sister used to describe when your kids attach themselves to your nether regions, which of course is what prompted this post.
It can be very annoying walking around with six legs, unless of course you are bug.
Oh, and we do watch Nanny 911 - or at least I do - I think we could use a visit.
8 - Mark Saleski
i want the nanny's london taxi.