In retrospect, I was dressed all wrong the first time I met my future mother-in-law. Of course, I wasn't expecting to meet her then, and had no inkling I would be marrying her son...still, perhaps it was a bad start.
I'm 13 years younger than my husband, and I have a baby face. So when B- walked into her son's house and saw a girl sitting cross-legged on his couch, and wearing no make-up and a baseball cap, she probably envisioned statutory rape charges. I'm sure my freckles didn't help.
The initial meeting was brief and she was friendly; there was no indication that — if we were to spend time together — it would be an unpleasant experience. I liked B-, she was like Mrs. Cleaver. I'd had a tumultuous relationship with my own mother, and was touched at her love for her children, and her ability to stay married for over 40 years. (I know it's sad when that's considered an abnormality in this society.)
Subsequent meetings found me more nervous. The relationship was becoming more serious and I wanted her to like me. Still, I wasn't panic stricken. I knew I was a good woman, I knew I had my boyfriend happy, and I knew that I came to her with a open heart and a love for her son. I figured we would be friends and she would be the mother figure I wanted in my life.
It didn't take long for the comments to start. The implication that I was not a good housekeeper (by then I'd moved in with my boyfriend), the comments on my not cooking enough, just little barbs said with a smile.
Now I can be a tough cookie, but I have a unique ability to discount unkind comments said by people whose good favor I wish to be in. So it took me a while to actually accept that I Was Not Grade-A Daughter-in-Law material in her eyes.
I knew she was mad that I insisted she call before she came over and knock on the door before she came in. It was for her sake too — man&woman in love, er, ya might not just want to walk in. (Although she did call another son the day after his wedding and wonder why he would not answer the phone.) But I figured time would take care of that — her anger not, um, man&woman. Although...
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Phil Bondo
Man, that's brutal. I got lucky with my MIL, it helps that she hardly speaks any English, and my French is comical. So there's not much opportunity for dissing, either way.
This is really well written Nicolette, I enjoyed sharing your trial by fire.
2 - Nicolette Rivers
Thank you, Phil.
I'd left out that the reason she blew up at me on my birthday was because she was mad I did not answer the door. Explaining to her that I was getting dressed, and did not know it was her, fell on deaf ears. She just kept telling me I made her feel like an ass by making her wait on the porch.
3 - swingingpuss
Nicolette, you can vow not to make the same mistakes as your MILs when its your turn to lash the whip;-)
4 - Nicolette Rivers
Well, it's still debatable if kids are on the horizon, but if so, I hope to be a good MIL.
5 - SphinxMontreal
The best mother-in-law is one which lives in another country half way around the world. And even then they can be a pain in the ass.
6 - Nicolette Rivers
Do you speak from experience?
7 - swingingpuss
My mother-in-law lives in another country and even then she is pain via the phone
8 - Gabrielle
Wow! Can your MIL spell "passive-agressive," because that's what she'll need to write down when next filling out a form about medical conditions.
Good luck for future encounters :-)
9 - MAD at MIL
my MIL has made my life helllllll..... she goes around saying bad things about me to everyone in the family. and my husband 'the mama's boy' always gets mad at me if i confront him about her. i wish she'd just get the hell out of our lives or atleast learn to keep her trap shut. i tried all the time to be her favorite and now i don't care anymore. die die die MIL
10 - sumo
Gals..what do u say to this- I put up with mine under the same roof- my roof.
The husband is mama's darling boy and will not say a word against her. So, I just put up with 'unlimted advice' from sunrise to sunet and well..life is hell...
11 - Bridget
I would give anything to have my mother-in-law with me now. She passed away in 1990 I learned from her and loved her as my own. I called her Mom and she serves it. Please its not a one sided relationship. How about what a mother in law feels. Im a mother in law now. I know my daughter in has same feelings of you all now. Im a saint compared to the stories I have heard. Good luck ladies and remember just love her.
12 - Nicholas Stix
I'm so sorry to hear of your travails.
I was very lucky with my mother-in-law, may she rest in peace. Yes, she did live 5,000 miles away and half-way across the globe, and yes, it did take a few years for us to become close, but still, whether we dealt with her on the phone or during our yearly visits, she never engaged in mischief, was always pleasant to me, and even occasionally said nice things about me (and no bad things, to my knowledge), behind my back. And she had grounds for criticizing me.
I used to tell my wife that the only reason I didn't divorce her was because I was loved her family.
Bye, Ma.
13 - Andrea
Mother in laws are almost all passive aggressive. It's that cowardly, bully mentality women have. They like to talk trash, hint at your flaws, act like a forlorn in-law on someone's website to offer a contrary opinion... To be frank I could do without a mil. I grew up getting harped on by my own mother I don't need another sly, middle aged hag to finish the job of whittling away my self esteem. My mil is a junkie who puts herself in debt every time she steps out of the house. She used my phone number as a reference for money collectors and for two months nonstop I have received calls from repo men. She says stuff about me behind my back but I know I'm above her.
14 - NR Davis
Is this "Andrea" male or female? If this is a man, he needs sensitivity training and to meet different women. If a woman is making such nasty generalizations against her own gender (or against ANY grouping for that matter), that's just depressing and disgusting.
My MIL approves of my politics and my children. Otherwise, I have always known she's wishing for me to disappear. (LOTS of signs - among them, SU hid the marriage from his folks for a couple of years [which i didn't know 'til long after the ceremony; had I known, I *wouldn't* have married - in fact, I still resent SU for creating this situation all those years ago]; being barred from attending my beloved FIL's funeral - punishment given because he wanted and had me at his death bed rather than a certain SIL; and her efforts as recent as two years ago to convince SU to dump me and date other people.) I think things are improving slightly (finally - after nearly two decades): Letters she sends her son now include "and family" or "and [my given name]" rather than just "and children." And last Christmas, she was sincerely sweet to me for the first time ever. Gave me a good hug, which brought me to tears, and told SU (when I wasn't present) how great I looked. (My MIL is *gorgeous* and has impeccable taste.) I had long discarded long-ago wishes for her to like me, so the depth of my reaction to her surprise show of affection floored me. I had Spousal Unit tell her that her hug was the best present I had ever received. Why not tell her myself? Self-protection is Job One. Nearly two decades of experience tell me to be wary. But I suppose hope exists.
That said, SU has an awesome MIL. Sometimes I believe she likes the spouse better than she likes me. Which is fine, because she and I have little in common (though we pretend reeeeeealllly well).
But I have to mention my first MIL. I married a man raised as an orthodox Jew. Intially, his parents took great issue with me, but they came around. Three weeks after the wedding, Jamie was killed by a drunk driver in an auto crash. I took care of his folks and they embraced their only child's new spouse as their child. Soon after, my FIL died of a heart attack. MIL and I remained as close as parent and child until she passed away in 1994. There are some PEACH motohers-in-law out there, goddess bless 'em. They deserve mention to refute the often unfair stereotype of the Monster-in-Law.
15 - angoram
I've searched the web for thoughts and strategies on how to live with a MIL like mine. I've read all of the scenarios, and realize my MIL displays most if not more of the behaviors mentioned. Sometimes I get depressed about the manner in which I'm treated, but my husbands love, and protection of me helps me alot. My own mother is so very opposite, she loves and respects all of my siblings spouses, and treats them kindly, which makes it all the more difficult for me to understand my MIL. I'm just not use to rude, gossipy, and ruthless people. Unfortunately, my MIL seems thrive, and from negativity. However; I know there is hope, after reading the emails from Nicholas and Bridget I know things can change, and I just need to love her in spite of how she is.
16 - star
My mil is a witch frm hell !!!
She is the most nasty, vindictive, horrible person I have ever met.
When I got pregnant with my daughter and my husband told her our news she said "oh I thought it was something important".
She has always been invited to get involved in all our family activities but when she does come she makes sure that she puts a downer on things by complaining about something stupid and causing a huge row.
When I gave birth to my son, it took a week for her to come visit him and even then she paid him no attention, she just babbled on about my sister in law.
My husband now sees her for what she is and hasn't spoke to her in over 3 months.
She's only seen our children a hand full of times over the past 3 years but then complains that they don't know her.
I have a wonderful mother who treats my husband and children and I with love and respect.
We are at the point now where this woman has been excluded from our family.
I understand that these women may find it hard to accept that their children have their own families now but that doesn't give them the right to make other people's lives hell !!
17 - jackie
I have been married for 21 years and up until 10 years ago thought my mother in law liked me. Then my sister in law feels the need to tell me everything that has been said about me. You know the usual, bad housekeeper dont cook enough and horrible mother. I quit my job when my boys were born and gave them every second of my attention and love. But alas not good enough. She pretends to be the great christian one and when approached about the things she had said she never aplogized just said i missed her bday party one year. Gee could it have been that I had the flu with a temp somewhere around 102. Since then its just been little comments by her and my husband's sister, but yet I keep my mouth shut and keep going back. I told myself that my love for my husband was more important than standing up for myself. But yesterday at another family birthday lunch we were sitting at the table she precedes to tell a dream that she had where her son and my boys leave next door to her she does not know where I am but I am not around anymore... and that child services comes and my oldes tells them he can take care of him and his brother and if they need anything their nana is next door. Of couse I said nothing held it together until I could get to my parents where I lost it. I cannot believe I continue to let this woman hurt my feelings. I just would like some opinions on what you think she meant by this dream. A few more details my children are 19 and 17 so they do not need her care. And I had talked to her everyday why wait until the whole family is there to share this? Sorry so long but I am at my wits end. ANd one last question would it be wrong not to go to lunch wiht my husband on sunday's over there?
18 - zuskak
Ah! hello to you all. I suppose I am not the only one. My mother in law for 3 years has been pain in the a**. I did ANYTHING to please her.She commented bout my make up, i changed. She commented bout my dressing, my hair. I changed whenever I visited her. she was good enough slow slow to keep it less to call me or visit me, so i did my duties to please her instead. At first, i was inviting her cooking. I made food, she says she choked the food she ate she said.(wish she did bloody woman!) She commented.(and i make good mediteranian food) to cut the story short, i am now getting a new house and i did not want her 1920 involvment into this house since she kept involving a lot.... So i wrote her a letter after all those times every saturday visiting her and doing my duties and then hearing her moan all the time commenting how bad generations we are, how women these days dress up, how her other daughter in law puts food in the freezer and not cook well, whenever i visited it was moan, moan, moan. The bloody woman doesn't even get out. She has a great greek husband but he is very down person too. Full of negative people.... I run to get her A radio? a kitchen supplies? anything. My husband wasn't as willing as I was to buy her things and keep all our relationships happy. But enough was said. she already broke her other daughter in laws marriage, and she never got to realize it was her own NEGATIVE attitute brain washing her other son. I have only heard bad things about her, the poor other daughter in law. And my husband as a man being stupid still believes that the other daughter in law was the trouble. I see the poor woman now, with her 2 kids, sorting everything all by herself, but have in mind that it is ONLY on the woman! The woman suffers if she has family. Now no one cares about her whether how she is coping with her children on her own, because now my brother in law is back with his mum/dad. Whos' the happy one? my mother in law. she even said once 'see how nice it is to have a son to give me a hand?'?
blooody bitch! did she think anything about her other daughter in law sufferings?
So anyway, i wrote this bad letter to them to STOP BOSSING us around, as his dad bosses us when we travel and we not beause it has been his business we live in. He is supposed to retire the 70 year old man, so that his son can have a bit of 'man to man' life. He puts his son (my husband) down all the time, and treats him like a kid. After my letter, they all got to get a good BIG SLAP on their face, and now they are not talking to me. I haven't written rude letter, but an explanation with trying to explain to them that their involvement isn't helping our marriage and that i am not going to let them ruine my marriage like they did their other son's marriage. May be this way they'll wake up? i doubt it, the bloody people!
i think that after we all get married, mothers and fathers should be put in a plane and taken a country that they all deal with their own age people and hung out and be happy!
WE DON'T NEED YOU! YOU ARE ONLY TROUBLE IN OUR LIVES!I forgot to say that my own family is in another country, so my husband is very lucky not to deal with them. So i have NO support for my own mother or friends to help me. I am stuck in here listening their own bloody moans! GO TO HELL!
she now doesn't speak to me.
go to hell!
19 - Donnie Marler
My late mother and my wife got along well, much to my surprise. Mom hated every girl I'd ever dated, except the one I married.
I think it helped for me to tell her, very sweetly, the first time she 'almost' commented on our impending marriage negatively, that I didn't want, need, or ask her approval of my wife. If it became a problem between them, I'd miss her.
That was the end of any helpful suggestions from Mom.
20 - debbie
what about the good mother inlaws.when the daughter inlaw does not like her mother inlaw,reason been just because the daughterinlaw whants to be nasty and knowingly desroyes the family relationship just because she is a control freak,also keeping the grand children away from her thats what i call vindictive and spitefull,i cant seem to forgive my daughter in law as it says in the bible to forgive how can i forgive her for not letting me see my own grandchildren.anyone with any advice let me know what to say to her in order for her to understand
21 - dawn
my mother in law takes the weight off our shoulders when me and my husband need a break so some people should see the benefits of having a mother in law whoopeeeeeee for mine
22 - zuskak
Good mother in laws could be acceptedable.
I was ready to accept her. I left her still get on with her 'before routine' to what she did to her son.
then i heard from her telling behind my back that 'i was not good enough like her, because i was not doing what she could do herself'.
Well lady looser!!!!***! I was doing on purpose so that you wouldn't feel out of place, and still be happy with your son!
so even good mother in laws, we still try to please, good or bad. What we don't get along, is when they keep critisism, sarcasm, putting us down, and comments with comparison of how they have been; how they have brought kids up; how they have cooked;, how they lived when they were our age...
It will ALWAYS be a problem, because it is the difference of generation. Mother in laws job is to ACCEPT generation, and try to LEARN new things, example? mobiles, emails, more active like this life... driving....! Not staying 1920s, and expecting us to be like that! We were not born then, and we do not want to have been born! We are born NOW, so if mother in laws want to be friends with us, we both sacrifies!
But if it comes to US doing the changes, positiveness, trying, being silent, quiet, and still get a **BUNG BUNG**' on our heads, then sorry, but how long can a person put her head on top of the table to be hit 20002 times! You hit your head in a corner once, and you learn not to go in that corner EVER AGAIN!
If you forgive, and get on with it and still go in that corner but this time being careful, and STILL get hit by the corner, then YOU NEVER GO THERE AGAIN!
that's how our mother in laws are! Always to find something to moan about, just because they are not young as us?!!???? WHAT DO WE HAVE TO BE BLAMED FOR?
I myself cook perfect, clean perfect, entertain, make effort, run in the rain and storm to be there for her if she's cold, make soups for her, buy her things, and what is in return??? COMMENT COMMMENT COMMENT. NEGATIVE COMMENT!
I GIVE UP MY FRIENDS! I GIVE UP!!!
A MISERABLE PERSON WILL ALWAYS BE MISERABLE.
WHY SHOULD I LOOSE MY ENERGY ON A MISERABLE PERSON WHEN I CAN CONCENTRATE ON MY OWN HUSBAND!!!
ZUSKAK
23 - Joanne
DEBBIE #20 - Thats sad why does she act that way, did something happen? Is there anyone else in the family that may be able to talk to her? When is the last time you have spoken to her? This is just the best example of how mother in laws are NOT always the problem. I wish you well and hope that you can find a place in your heart where forgiveness can creep in. Clearly this is her problem not yours. I will pray for you:)
24 - Joanne
Debbie#20? What state are you in? Don't grandparents have rights?
25 - Maggie
Hi,
I got a very weird mother in law. At first, I really thought she was all nice and cute, a very inteligent and wise woman, a great mother figure etc. Then , I got to know her.
First, she stared making remarks addressed to my boyfriend that i had an intest in being "the way i am" ( i was presumably seeking marriage to her som). She mentioned this a couple of times.
Then, my boyfrind stared his own business and asked me to help him at the office..which I did though i am going for a double major...she was very pleased that he could get some help. But when he moved his office into th city she made it clar to both of us that I had no bussiness there and that I should mind my own bussiness.
Then, we both applied for a congress and we got accepted. When she found out about my acceptance, she told me: What could they like about your paper? I moved on, and when we were about to leave for the congress, she said that she was no longer going and that, my boyfriend (who would accompany us)would no longer have a reason to go since she was not going anymore!!!!!!!!!) I was there the whole time and listen to her expose the reasons why it was a nonsense for him to go with me!
And she asked me once to teach her some English. When we were finishes, she stared prasing some girl whom she envisages as her daugher-in-law (she actually calls her that, derspite out well-known intetions to marry next year).
At this moment, there is no contact whatsover with her, although i truly wanted to a good relationship with her. I guess that this human cathegory is just a real nuissance.
I gotta say that she thinks of herself as a very religous, forgiving and considerate woman and that so many pople mistreat her....i wonder where is the real mistreat actually.....
Am i being to harsh to judge or is she real a nissance?