It's time we admitted the true fault of modern-day society. We could conceivably attack racism, obesity and crime. But I am tired of hiding in closets and whispering to friends. What is truly weakening the foundation of the 21st-century world is, quite simply, meetings. Satan is indeed within our midst, disguised as a corporate warrior. He has seduced us with dreams of wealth and carnal paradise with college interns. He can be found, eyes fiery red, sitting at the head of your local conference room.
I am convinced, after six years in corporate Americana, not a single important decision has ever been decided within the dungeon-like confines of a meeting. During my brief lifetime I've noticed a growing obsession with having meetings, spreading across our country like new strains of the plague.
Technology, by nature, is conducive to having meetings. Cell phones, speaker phones, conference calls, webcams - they have all weakened the art of making decisions. These demon devices are polluting America, creating new generations of indecisive Starbuck-drinking armies awaiting the next meeting. They have meetings to decide new meetings. They have meetings about previous meetings. They have meetings about the past, meetings about the future and meetings about the present. This Meeting Army, sipping bubbling java and munching primrose muffins, has attacked our society with the force of lumbering zombies emerging from the pit of a George Romero epic.
Meetings are led by a popular ringleader, usually the president or vice president of the corporation. These successful company enchanters are defined by their expertise with patting backs, shaking hands and telling tales. In almost every case, they are as indecisive as Mr. Magoo in a mosh pit. But they can work a room as efficiently as a flapping bat chasing down a fly. With pitchfork in hand, they have a great, whimsical story for almost every circumstance, involving long ago vacations where they became lost hiking on tropical islands. They are insufferable fiends, as evil as that kid in The Omen, only with a cuter smile.
When the ringleader's unlucky converts sit down at the board room table - we'll call this the Meeting Prologue Hell - there's a brief moment when actual business is discussed. This fleeting window lasts all of 27 seconds before the president/vice president jovially slams it closed. Thus begins yet another story of yet another long ago vacation on yet another tropical island. As disciples of Satan the Ringleader, we listen intently, knowing full well this agonizingly eccentric man signs our paycheck.
Article comments
1 - Shark
Chris, great stuff. You struck a nerve.
When I left my last career, I promised myself that even if I have to eat cow patties and live in a cardboard box, I'll never ever EVER be in one of those dreary-ass, reinvent the eternally spinning wheel - meetings again. Did I say EVER?
It was good that I left, too. I was starting to doodle exploding heads instead of flowers --- Heads that very closely resembled those of my co-workers. Dark bloody fantasies... sexual attraction to pistols... oh, you get the picture.
So where do you work, dude? I'm right across the county line, ol' buddy, just a few minutes down I-30. Think they could use some help? Maybe put in a good word for your bro?
Email me an application.
Yer pal,
Shark
2 - Al Barger
Memo re: Meetings
Chris, some great ideas here. This sounds like a good ideas list for our next meeting. Perhaps you, Shark and I could get together to get an action agenda for the next full Blogcritics meeting.
3 - duane
Sorry to hear that, Chris. My typical waste-an-hour-of-my-day meeting usually involves bulleted, mind-numbingly contentless PowerPoint slides with 36-point font, lots of colors, an attractive pattern, and words like "mission" and "vision." Mmmm, yeah.
4 - Mark Saleski
oooooh, PowerPoint.
now that is satan's spawn!!
5 - Al Barger
In their typically perverse manner, The Residents have created some kind of commercially released PowerPoint CD as a kind of artistic creation. They're sick bastards.
6 - Chris Kent
Thanks Shark.
My wonderful office is located in the lovely area of Las Colinas. My window faces out over a golf course. I have surrounded it with cloves of garlic.....:)
7 - Chris Kent
Thanks Duane,
One day we will all end up in camps where they force us to watch Powerpoint presentations endlessly, our eyelids held open a la Alex the Droog.
Seriously, my boss does not even have a computer in his office, but has strategically surrounded himself with computer, writing, design experts. He should run for office.....
8 - Chris Kent
Al,
I'll bring the coffee!
9 - Chris Kent
I'm glad to see Mark has perfected the art of using italics....
10 - Shark
I can't remember the source, but I recently read an article that blamed Powerpoint for lowering intelligence,, understanding, effectiveness, safety etc. --- a number of categories it was supposed to enhance. Ah, the wonders of technology.
Thank gawd I didn't have to go through that: My ex-co-workers couldn't operate semaphore, let alone Powerpoint.
11 - duane
I've read similar articles. PowerPoint is criticized for, in effect, straitjacketing communications style, inflating the importance of minor issues, confusing major points and minor points, and wasting time owing to preparation. Supposedly, warnings from engineers working on Space Shuttle preparations appeared in a PowerPoint slide, and, had they been given due attention, the recent disaster could have been averted. It's analogous to grade inflation and, in another way, The Boy Who Cried Wolf. EVERYTHING on a PP slide is purported to be CRUCIAL. So, nothing is.
12 - Mark Saleski
re: #9:
what's the deal chris? does sarcasm rub you the wrong way or somthin'?
13 - Chris Kent
No offense intended Mark....
14 - Shark
Duane, YEAH! The Space Shuttle! That was it!
Thanks, mano.
15 - Mark Saleski
PowerPoint = Flashcard For Executives
16 - Dirtgrain
Institutions, groups and governments seek to break us down and make us feel worthless, and hence compliant, by forcing us to do repetitive, meaningless, cultureless tasks. Today, "meeting" means the following: dictate instead of delegate; the boss decides and employees have no say; preaching instead of actually meeting. Most of the faculty meetings at my high school should be replaced by memos.
I blogged such a PowerPoint article.
17 - Chris Kent
Dirtgrain,
That blog is a riot. I was laughing out loud.
At my school, it's more and more money for technology and less and less money for books.
Good stuff.
18 - Dirtgrain
Thanks Chris. We need more posts like yours on meetings: how to avoid them, how to survive them (drawing "intricate pictures of men beheaded on bloody guillotines" might just do the trick), and best of all, how to make it so that meetings never happen (feign pink-eye and touch all of the handouts before they are distributed?).
19 - Chris Kent
lol.....I shall remember that for future use....