A Nebraska teenager, 16 year old Tommy Mason, is getting to live his 15 minutes of fame. Imperial Margarine wants him to be their new spokesperson and they say they’re willing to wait until his trial and jail time is over.
Tommy was arrested last month on charges of indecent exposure and public indecency. Luckily for Tommy he’s a minor and will only serve four months in a juvenile detention centre. Some think that isn’t enough time.
“That’s not what margarine is for”, says supermarket manager Mike Johnson, "And while I don't care what product he uses for pulling his cord, I'd prefer he didn't do it in my store."
Imperial Margarine spokesperson Bill Simpson agrees but says “who are we to tell people how to use our product? After all, we sell margarine, not morality.”
Margarine is increasingly becoming the wank-off lube of choice amongst youngsters as it's cheap, readily available and doesn't carry the same stigma as a fifteen year old buying a jar of vaseline and a skin mag in the wee hours of the morning.
Tommy says it all started when he saw his high-school crush Naomi Hunters working at the cash register. “She’s a real hottie”, says Tommy. “I couldn’t contain myself (and) when I saw that margarine I just had to do it.” Naomi says she’s flattered and disgusted by all this. “But mostly disgusted”, she adds.
Bill Simpson sees it differently though. “If somebody wants to slap a big handful of margarine on their unit and pleasure themselves that’s fine with me, but it’s my job to make sure it’s Imperial margarine on their unit and not some cheap store brand.”
“We spend a fortune coming up with new ideas every year”, says Simpson. “This kid just saved us a fortune in marketing.” And Imperial wants to reward Tommy by making him their new spokesperson. Once Tommy is done serving his four months at a Nebraska state detention centre he will be signed to a 3 year contract at $1.5 million dollars per year.
Article comments
1 - Aaman
Shouldn't we wait until tomorrow?
2 - margret snatcher
Goob lube eh?
3 - Phillip Winn
Aaman, March has 31 days. :-)
4 - Aaman
I noticed:)
5 - Eric Olsen
quite piquant Jason, thanks and welcome!
Wouldn't mind having that pic over here either.
6 - Dave Nalle
What about the permanent discoloration of his wank unit from all that dye in the margarine? He and his yellowish member should sue!
Dave
7 - Eric Olsen
the yellow peril!
8 - Tristan
it's probably a very good moisturizer for your hands and face too ....
reminds me: you know all those face creams to help prevent wrinkles/ age lines? Know what the main active working ingedient is...? On the labels they euphemistically say "animal protein" ...
Guess what "animal protein is really?
(A small "hint"---what bodily fluid---a protein-- constricts as it dries--thus helping to pull the wrinkle smooth--another little hint: it's creamy and whitish...)
Got Goo ....!
9 - Tristan
sperm .....would be an excellent guess .............
10 - Lono
This is crap! I have been perfecting my public masturbation routine for years... and this asshole gets all the glory.
fuck it, I'll just stay down here in my mom's basement with my dungeons and dragons and 'do the laundry by hand' all alone.
11 - Steve S
That's how you make Nutter Butter cookies isn't it?
I think he picked up the secret from the Keebler Elves.
12 - SFC Ski
Tell me this is from The Onion.
Then again, in Nebraska, you gotta get your thrills where you can.
13 - larry
aint a bar of soap any good any more
14 - Anon
soap burns