8:30 - 10:45 - Contemplated suicide; considered a number of ways to die and still look presentable. Was distracted by that short piece of hair that constantly falls down over my eyes. Will consider cutting it and/or my wrist unless they give me some decent stationary to write on. (My apologies for writing this on toilet paper; not only is it degrading, but it's the SCRATCHY kind! --See note above re. scratchy TP as cruel and unusual punishment!)
10:45 - ...I vant to be alone...
11:00 - Fixed brunch for entire cell block using sauteed rats and roach canapes. (Saved skins; rat pelts might make a nice gift once winter arrives; tiny coozies? Gloves? Muffler? Consider converting more urine for hide tanning) Table centerpiece for brunch was made from my cell-mate's extra jump suit; fake orange carnations, orange roses, and orange day-lillies. It was spectacular, but could have used a different color from the same family of hues. Note: Petition warden for some soft pastels; (emphasize calming, non-violent nature of pink jump suits?)
12:00 - Went to library; read latest issue of my magazine. Please buy my magazine! (Began planning essay for next issue; title: "I'll Be Back!" — has that been used before? Sounds familiar. Must check with copyright lawyer; don't need any more legal problems at the moment!)
12:30 - Had a BM; not a bad BM, but not as good as the BM's at home (see "scratchy TP" mentioned above!); the prison diet has definitely brought on a return of my constant and chronic constipation. Stress will do that, or at least that's what I read in an article in my magazine. Note to self: Ask warden for a bidet; I'll even pay for it!)
1:00 - Bribed cell-mate to allow me to slice a few inches of fat off her thigh for later conversion into moisturizing lotion for my crepe neck. Will melt it down after "lights out".
2:00 - Watched Oprah's show; had a story about my rise from poverty to riches, followed by touching tale of an overweight blind female dwarf who overcame disabilities and is currently top-rated NASCAR driver. Oprah has apparently bought the rights to her story and will produce upcoming film for distribution in '06.
3:00 - Begin writing a screenplay depicting my entire Horatio Alger-like life. Got stuck on Act II, where I have to justify my obsession with Quality and my deal with that shit-house purveyor of imported schlock, K-Mart. Will shelve for later.
Article comments
1 - bhw
Shark, nothing to say but: friggin' hil-AR-ious. I'd quote my favorite lines, but there are too many.
2 - Dirtgrain
Shark, you are a genius. Every detail hit me, especially the prison stock dump and the editor's note. I don't know how to ping, but I will link it.
3 - CW Fisher
[edited] But seriously. What they did to Martha they can do to you. And thousands just like you who may, or may NOT have committed an actual crime. Martha, it was established and will be be revealed on appeal, is innocent. The prosecutors are guilty. That this is legal and encouraged by our criminal justice system is the issue. Not that it's funny.
Shark, if I weren't so tired I'd duel you, but it's past noon and time for bed, so I'll leave it to you and the butch and old dirtgrain to hammer out something a little bit funnier and a little more acceptable to my newly created Save the Martha Stewart Fund, the motto of which, so far, is, Martha! Martha! Martha! I'll write when I get more.
4 - Eric Olsen
very funny and clever but also shows why Stewart is admired by so many who also dislike her: that she would pu tso much time and effort into such quotidian concerns shows a certain nobility
5 - HW Saxton Jr.
Funny as all hell,Shark.Bonus points fer
plugging Jack Henry Abbott's book. B+
6 - Jim Carruthers
Babe, love the treatment, I think we can get HBO for a deal, let's call it "MOZ", if we can get Larry David to play her lawyer, and what do you think about Jennifer Love Hewitt to play Martha?
If HBO balks we'll just ankle over to WB, they're desperate -- though we'd have to dump JLH, too old, what do you think about Ashley? She'd be perfecto, and could tap into the whole M-K thing.
7 - Shark
Fisher: "Shark, eat shit and die. (just kidding) But seriously. What they did to Martha they can do to you."
1) No they can't. Shark lost his life savings thanks to Enron -- and is no longer able to buy stocks. Besides, the only inside info I get is bad.
2) As I've stated before, when faced with a decision to take advantage of a potentially illegal and unethical situation, Martha could have said the all-too-rare, "NO." (I do it all the time, but then again, I still own the deed to my soul and am able to sleep at night.)
3) What's really funny is that if I wrote what Fisher wrote above, Justene the Censor would pull my post before breakfast. Shes such a fucking *______. ("Just kidding.")
*[Deleted: Shark now self-censoring his own posts in order to deprive Justene just a smidgen of perverse pleasure]
8 - Shark
Jim, thanks for the notes.
I see Ellen Burstyn as Stewart.
Or maybe Kathy Bates. They'd both come cheap.
Her lawyer could be be Louie Anderson. (Is he still alive?)
9 - Shark
Saxton, re.
Jack Henry Abbot -
Boy, there's a literary 'Trivial Pursuit' question, eh?
And did you know that during his short tenure as "Talent Scout", Norman Mailer got a young Jeffry Daumer an audition on "Iron Chef"?!
Ah, Fortuna is a bitch!
10 - CW Fisher
I just dropped by to turn off the italics when I saw this:
Shark, I would like it very much if Char would remove the comment I made above. "Eat shit and die" is a terrible thing to say, especially to a writer whose work I admire, but I was honestly trying to be funny. Of course, it wasn't. Let's not beat it to death.
But your post was very funny, very funny and very good, seriously, and I was proud to know you while I was reading it. I liked how you wrote it.
I just won't stand for prosecutors tormenting reasonable and reasonably-assumed innocent people who may have made a mistake or even committed a crime, but character assassination is a type of murder and a greater crime. Study up on what Martha did. Then study what was done to her. The feds are crucifying this woman on a see-what-sticks basis, and almost nothing has stuck. The secret is PAM. Shark, forgive it or not, no harm was intended, but it was "my bad," not yours.
11 - Justene
You don't expect me to review all these comments *after* breakfast, do you? I removed the original per request. If earthlink accepted mail from yahoo, I'd email Shark and explain why CW's comment got through (after some consideration) but I won't burden the board. I note that Shark's comment on the Apologies post also got through for about the same reason, so it is not commenter related.
12 - Shark
Justene, jeesus h. christ on a bicycle!
I didn't want you to delete Fisher's line!
My point was that SOMEONE with intelligence and a tiny sense of humor might be better able to discern the sometimes subtle difference between a "personal insult" and a literary/poetic device meant as amusement, irony, or the sardonic.
You apparently ain't that person, but that's okay; the site is clean and spiffy and it's become one big milquetoasty flavored lovefest.
PS: I still think you're a *_______.
*[Deleted: Shark self-censoring his own posts in order to deprive Justene just a smidgen of perverse pleasure]
13 - Shark
Curt, re. Martha's persecution/prosecution:
man, I almost squirted a few for her just now
...but then I remembered that if some minority had stolen a $20 stereo out of a parked car, he's be doing 3-5 years in a maximum security prison.
Fuck her and her fellow white collar criminals.
14 - Justene
Shark, darling, I didn't want to delete it either. Fisher asked that the be deleted and I did. I left it in all the other notes. I'm surprised that you do not see the amusement, irony, or the sardonic in that. I provided some explanation so you know that the original failure to delete was intentional. I have faith you'll catch on to the fact that I do have humor. It's just more subtle than you think.
15 - Eric Olsen
I can't imagine that the public meta-comments to Justene are particularly interesting or meaningful to our readers.
16 - Jim Carruthers
Mary Walsh used to do a brilliant parody of Martha on "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" on the CBC, called "Weekends With Martha Stewart" with tips on bobbing for apples (take a large crystal bowl, fill it with gin, put in a few apples, and drink all the gin).
As for the Kathy Bates suggestion, since she has directed several episodes of "OZ", she'd be great - easily as good as Albert Brookes as a white collar perp in "Out of Sight". But it wouldn't fly on teevee, where they take "Don't hire anybody over 30" to heart.
17 - Jo~
Martha is gonna come out of prision even more ruthless. My money is on that mean bitch to kick the shit out of another inmate if she's fucked with. She'll probably be doing shows down the road on how to make wine from grape jelly and the yeast from her bread. I'd bet she could create some nice prision daggers and shanks.
18 - Bennett
Holy moly, what a piece of work. Shark, wuzup, this was one of the best things I've read in minutes!
This whole 10,000,000 thing has got me reading some wonderful stuff, but this post is on a different level. Sadly, I arrived too late to BC to catch it live back when.
Fuck!
Please do more.
Bennett
19 - Shark
Bennett, thanks, man, I needed that.
That was written way back when I still thought the world was funny.
Thanks to Iraq -- Bush Version 2.0, etc. etc. -- I'm having a bit o' writer's block lately.
Try this, amigo!
(Sadly, the one on Iraq is even more relevant than it was then...)
20 - Bennett
You deserve massive praise, Shark. I reread this in the AM and almost fell off my chair.
"I vant to be alone"
Oh man, what a perfect capture.
You've written passionately, bravely, about issues guaranteed to have a whole slew of folks shooting big guns right at your heart.
I admire that, but I do understand how it can sap one's creative strength after a while.
So, here's lifting a 12 oz anybeerbutbud in your direction in the hope that the rivers of creativity flow everlasting through your premium gray matter.
Thanks.
21 - juicy
wow and eww urine into glass cleaner??????!
22 - van himoff
i can picture Martha in an epic movie as ruthless queen of a Pacific island riding on back of a wild animal brandishing her whip. she has all money in the world-- not interested in sex. she desires POWER