When it comes to parenting and relationships, I'm an admitted communication freak. I look around and see so many escalations that really come out of simple communication missteps. I really try to pay attention to avoid them myself, but you know, sometimes that's easier said than done.
There's an interesting scenario I see over and over though. It's the triangle expectation. You see it a lot with teenagers, and as a matter of fact the person who first brought it to my attention was my boss, telling me about a conversation he was trying to have with his teenaged daughter. Have you ever had a conversation with someone where it seemed like you just couldn't connect? Where it seemed as if they could have been in a debate, speaking so that some independent moderator could declare a "winner"? So the conversation feels like it's not between the two of you, because it's really not - a third invisible person is involved - hence the triangle.
It's learned behaviour really; when we were little Mom or Dad (or teacher) was the head of the triangle and if there was a fight or disagreement, you'd escalate up to Mom or Dad (or teacher). They'd assess fault, decide if you were right, and mete out the punishment. And that kind of triangle is always present with us, isn't it? Look at a courtroom - prosecution, defence and Judge (head of the triangle). It's there in sports - opposing teams and a referee. So we learn that structure really well.
What we don't pay as much attention to is two-way communication and how to make that effective. We aren't usually taught until much later about how each person's experiences shapes his or her perspective. We aren't taught early on to listen and ask why, and to try to connect and find an agreement. We're taught that someone has to be right and someone has to be at fault - the guilty party. And so we learn defensiveness, overcompensation, bullying. And usually we aren't even aware of it.
Article comments
1 - Joanne Huspek
So true.