Dear Elsa,
I've always had trouble dealing with what I need to do for myself and what I need to do for others. I am very demanding of people, but somehow I don't actually know what I want from them. I seem to go for aggressive people because they appear intellectually stimulating, but they end up criticizing me for my other more emotional, non-judgmental side.
If I try to go for sensitive people, I end up hurting them because of my other aggressive, competitive side. I don't have trouble attracting people, but I do have trouble wanting to keep them in my life. I think I’ve gone too far in maintaining my standards, but I can't find a balance. Your opinion would be much appreciated.
Struggles in Relationship
Dear Struggles,
When a person dislikes everyone as a matter of routine, invariably it’s because they dislike themselves. Your case is a particularly stark example.
Obviously you are both aggressive and sensitive and this is not the end of the world. Lots of people are similarly equipped, but you cannot isolate these parts of your personality or squash one so the other can live.
You will find resolution by living as a whole person rather than living one side of yourself and trying to project the other (have someone else live the part of you). I understand this because I am similar to you.
See, sometimes people will tell me I am “sweet,” and I hate that! It makes me want to kick their ass! Then someone will tell me I am abrasive and I’ll say, “No I’m not! I’m really very sweet…. er… you bastard!”
Sound familiar? What’s wrong with this? What’s wrong with being a sweet person who will kick your ass? Nothing!
Look, it’s a big world. There is plenty of room for people like me. There is plenty of room for people like you. I suggest you find a way to appreciate your own nuance as an individual - to love yourself, that is. If you manage this, you’ll have no problem loving others.
Good luck.
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