Do you ever get lost? I don't mean physically lost, but emotionally and mentally lost. One morning you wake up and find yourself wondering what the hell you did for the last month and a half and realize you have no idea. It's not that you've forgotten, but when you play back the tape of your memory what shows up doesn't look familiar, or seems completely out of character.
"That's not me," you say to yourself. "I don't act like that, do I?" The next thing you know you're questioning everything you do and say and doubting the veracity and of your feelings and wondering at your judgement. You've gone from being a relatively self-confident individual to doubting your competence and capabilities in a flash.
It seems to be something that happens to people who have a very intense focus in their lives and all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, that focus disappears. An artist who all of a sudden is unable to produce, an athlete who goes into a slump, or any person who's work requires them to maintain a certain level of intensity, are all probably subject to these circumstances.
A writer who has been cruising along churning out several thousand words a day for an extended period of time, all of a sudden finds even the task of writing a single paragraph incredibly difficult. The hitter, with a .360 average, falls below the Mendoza line and can't get on base except when hit by a pitch, and the stock broker who all of sudden sees everything go south no matter what he does, have something in common.
What they have been able to do without any real effort, what they have taken for granted as their due, has all of a sudden been withdrawn. That certain something that gave them distinct status, even if only in their own mind, has vanished.
Initially they won't even notice, it will just be one of those days when things don't go exactly as planned. It's amazing how many of those days you can have when you don't want to admit something's wrong. After a while, and you're still having a bad day, you start running away.
The last thing you want to think about is the actual problem; who really wants to contemplate the loss of what makes them special, so on both a conscious and unconscious level you look to ignore it. You may stop sleeping well at night and then find yourself too tired during the day to do the things you're normally capable of, providing a great excuse for not doing anything at all.
Article comments
1 - Chantal Stone
gypsyman, get out of my head....you just defined the past few years of my life. thanks for the perspective.
2 - Steve Clackson
A great article!
I've linked to it at Sand Storm.
3 - Victor Lana
Gypsy,
You know (excuse me while I open my bottle of Jack Daniels) you know you're right about losing your way sometimes (excuse me while I pop open this beer). But the truth is that sometimes losing one's way is a good way to find a different path.
At one time I didn't write for three years. Nothing! Zilch!! After dumping poetry (I still wish I could go back to it sometimes) I've written at least sixty short stories, two novels, and my latest (a book of 9/11 stories).
Sometimes (excuse me while I replace my Buddy Weiser) we just have to lose our way. Sometimes it is for the best.
Nice post.
By the way, even those guys around the Mendoz line make some nice $$$.
4 - alpha
Excellent. There is nothing more wasteful than depression and only one thing I can think of more fun than creating stuff -- sex.
I invite you to a light, quick post "Creativity and Sex" in the Sci/Tech section. It is related but not as serious and insightful as yours.
Happy New Year.
See it at Creativity and Sex
5 - diana hartman
someone said "sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way to come back a short distance correctly"...
i would know who said this if i replayed "grumpy old men"...
the creative process, not unlike a spiral staircase, holds many fulfilling and seemingly empty moments...
i would assert that we ought not expect every turn to bring us something but rather understand that every turn brings us that much closer to where we want to be...
at the same place in the turn, but 4 levels up, we turned out one of our best works ever...to become discouraged with the same place on every new turn just because it renders little or nothing is to disregard the many turns it took to get to the previous position of creativity in the first place...
and sometimes we must only be patient with ourselves...we don't like doughy biscuits, yes?
deadlines are different...even perseverance can't force a good idea...that's what downtime and a little notepad are for...keeping a file of drafts open and/or a journal is always useful when the ideas just won't come out when we need them to...
personally, i found depression (not sadness; i mean "i'm probably gonna do myself in soon" kind of depression) to be an almost endless supply of writing fodder, much of it rendering a good many things as they were and for reference...and of course some of it was just hideous, but we have to write crap in order to get it out of the way so the not-crap gets through...
you can hardly eat another meal when you're nauseous if you don't first throw up...just be careful not to eat the same thing again...
6 - Mark Edward Manning
Victor Lana: "By the way, even those guys around the Mendoza line make some nice $$$."
And how! If only we all could be adequately paid for just doing the minimum at our jobs!
7 - Dave
You have just explained what has happened to me since I missed a semester of college due to personal family matters. Thanks a million for voicing it.
8 - Stephen
I have to agree with all of you out there that say its good to get lost, but its always nice to have a place to come back to. I'm 22 and wasted 4 years of my life, feeling depressed, feeling like nothing I did mattered anymore. I did so many stupid things that I don't care to mention. I was so lost and helpless, feeling like I was at the bottom of the ocean of life and no one would ever find me. Never to return with all the floaters that coast through life. After reading this post, I feel somehow lighter, ever so slowly returning to the surface. To a world of color and sound.
9 - marie
If I had cared to write an article about the empty thoughts that have long shrouded any rationality constituted within the depths of my own psyche... this would have been it. I am 21 and a final year student studying English. I have spent a lifetime immersed within the world of grammar, syntax and metaphors. They were the intangible fibers that defined my being. Grades were perfect and a peculiar calmness and contentment were obtained from the words that engraved themselves upon a page untainted from previous expression. Yet this academic year, words deserted me, essays were left unwritten and my perfect average plummeted to mere nothingness. I barely recognize the person that I am. Somedays I spend hours gazing into my mirror, but I can see nothing but the shell of the person that I once was. All sense of selfhood is gone. To loose the subjected self, the very essence of one's being is certainly the greatest scourge in life. Somedays I feel so lost that I can barely breathe. I spend my days floating, not sure where I'm drifting or if I'll never return and anchor myself upon the path I previously thought I was meant to follow. But I cling desperately to the hope that I will return there. I need to believe this, even though sometimes I struggle immensely to entertain such a hope. Not so long ago one lecture, in an attempt to shake the barrenness that grips my soul, told me that writing is my craft, and although that was a beautiful thing to say to me, I responded with involuntary tears as I knew that the description was incompatible with the person I have become. It belonged to the past and to the girl I once was. I am different now. I am someone else, a person who belonged to a world without words or contemplation. Everyone knows the common axiom "everything happens for a reason", or "sometimes one needs to lose oneself so that one can find oneself", but I am far too cynical to entertain such ideas but I do believe I have learned something from my loss: I have discovered the limitations of discourse and the nihilism contained within the dialogue of human expression.
10 - Arun
I want to begin by saying i think everybodies comments are fantastic, very thoughtfull.
I can't help but think that any feeling of being unsure or more dramatically, depressed comes from dissatisfaction. An occupied mind brings us nothing but satisfaction and allows us to be inspired. The difficulty lies in the sadness stopping us from finding that satisfaction. I suffer from this at the moment, never have done before but it has hit me hard because i am passionate about my creative work and at the moment am unable to do it. Money is an issue, i have no job so i must concentrate on this before my passions can be fully realised.
As a compliment to you all, surely the creative mind allows us to imagine the better things more vividly as long as the fundamentals of our hapiness are met. Creativity relies on our basic happiness and will emphasise whether we are happy or not.
Peace of mind will get you everywhere and is very easy to achieve because it is simple, from peace of mind creativity will take you to wherever you want to go.
11 - Wollister
This is close if not exactly how I feel at the moment. I am 22 and i have been out of school for a semester and dealing with death in my family. Brilliant post, I am glad to have been able to read this
12 - Tiffany
Absolutely brilliant! This is the place I had been for awhile and have recently had clarity and peace in understanding with what was happening. You were able to verbalize this so eloquently. Thank you.