There's not moment watching Orlando Bloom act when I thought, “Man, that guy’s got charisma. I just can’t take my eyes off of him." What I do remember every time I finish an Orlando flick, however, is asking: “Was Orlando Bloom in that movie? I can’t remember".
So just how bland is Orlando Bloom, really? Blander than brown rice? Blander than Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House? Blander than the color beige? I tried to put his blandness into words, but found myself uncharacteristically speechless. I tried to compare him to more charismatic actors, but that doesn’t seem fair to the other actors. So in need of a way to properly chart Orlando’s total bland-osity, I created the first ever Pop Culture Scale of Bland. And just like Pirates 2 is storming the box office record books, good 'ole Legolas stormed the Bland chart. Let’s see how it all came together.
So according to the remarkably accurate Pop Culture Scale of Bland, Orlando Bloom is far blander than Tobey Maguire and vanilla ice cream, just a bit blander than a head of lettuce, and exactly as bland as white bread and the entire CBS programming schedule. That seems about right. Another of life’s most important questions solved here at Blog Critics. It’s all in a day’s work.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - duane
Not funny. Gratuitously malicious. And the writing is ... well, how should I put it? ... hmmm ... ah! ... yes ... the writing is BLAND.
2 - Walrus
Now, now, Jay, it says right here in the comment policy that personal attacks are not allowed... ;o)
3 - Baronius
"Not funny"?! Hilarious! Great graphics.
4 - DLS
You're kidding me, right? Did you actually watch any of these movies!?! I first must say that anyone in a movie with Johnny Depp is upstaged. That is just not fair to even bring up as a reason for someone's "blandness." You wanted to be fair to other charasmatic actors, so be fair. In 'Pirates 2' I thought Orlando's character really progressed! Plus, in 'Troy' I think you forgot Orlando was Paris, a lover not a fighter! Do you not know the myth? Did you also miss the part where the guy who was just interested in the girl took down Achilles? In addition, I think everyone was second fiddle to Aragorn in 'Return of the King' and second fiddle to everyone else in the other movies. I think there may have just been too many characters in LOTR to get a really big sense of some of the characters anyway! I sometimes wondered where Frodo was in those movies and that is not to say that Elijah was bland! In 'Kingdom of Heaven' I thought Orlando showed the right amount of conflict, despair, and compassion. In Elizabethtown, did you not feel for the guy? Am I to guess that you couldn't relate? Never failed or lost a family member? Or, have you always been a booming success and always lived on an island? I just do not think that your remarks are quite fair . . . too skewed if you ask me. Personal attack maybe? Finally, nothing redeeming in Orlando's performances in any of his movies since you can't remember that he is in any of them? Right. And, as bland as CBS's programming? Last I checked CBS at least had CSI and NCIS. A lot of people must be watching bland TV then . . .
5 - Michael Stratton
No personal attacks in the comments, right? Just in the articles I guess. Well anyway Jay, good one on you for writing a piece that is sure come up in Google and Yahoo searches for Orlando Bloom, and then will generate lots of hits to your column by riling up fan girls. Hope you get a raise or something. Really brilliant way to make it look as if you are one happenin' dude without actually writing anything of value or even anything that has been well-researched.
Cheating and loopholes, it's the American way - - - of tabloid journalism.
6 - El H
All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Orlando Bloom is not offensive, he is not galling, grating or abrasive. He is however irretrievably dull! I adore Ewan McGregor and could easily see him improving every single role poor Mr. Bloom has ever played. I have never understood his appeal! He isn't even good looking enough to make up for his lack of presence and personality! I'm just glad to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks so!!
7 - IgnatiusReilly
Michael, can you really be surprised that a guy who works alone yet credits himself a head writer is out to seek a little attention? Just be glad he cut "award-winning" from his bio.
A picture of this column go in place of the head of lettuce.
8 - Kay
One word; perception. That's yours, and it does in fact influence the perception of those who read it. A well-written, thorough article no doubt. However, being the die hard Orlando fan that I am, I have to disagree. I respect your position, but I do not comply with it. I'd just like to let all the readers [who actually scroll down to read the comments] that while this may be the opinion of one person, it is not the opinion of all.
I'd like to add, that his performance in Elizabethtown was pretty damn good.
9 - Liz
Are you saying that Britain in its entirety is as bland as Tobey Maguire, or that the design of the union jack is? Just curious.
10 - TheNinth
At least there's hope for CBS's lineup.
11 - Riki Rushing
Dear The Jay,
You hit it, right on! I couldn't agree with you more about Orlando Bloom's blandness. He's a nice enough guy -- you know it -- but he's a yawn-er. I fell asleep in Elizabethtown and yearned for the likes of Ewan or ANYone else! I have all these girlfriends who swoon over Orlando and I've got to say I just don't get it! Don't let all the young girls tell you are wrong. They just don't have the old fashioned/charming/spicy actors that I've grown up with -- maybe they just don't have much to choose from, I guess...
Although Ryan Gosling is COMPELLING! -- Cheers! Riki
12 - MaryKay
I am sorry to say but I adore Orlando Bloom. I would die for him. You have a right to your own opinion and so has everyone else. I saw all the movies and I have all the movies but the new one. I plan on getting the new one when it comes out. So I say. Keep on Orlando I love you. Mary Kay
13 - Catana
I'm not sure the fan girls know what bland means, but it doesn't matter. He's beautiful (in a rather bland way) and that's all they really care about. Acting ability and physical attractiveness don't necessarily co-exist in one person. Bloom makes their nubile little hearts go pitty pat, so it doesn't matter that he fades into insignificance when he shares the screen with good actors.
14 - Kathy O
Your kidding right? Your probably, just another ugly jealous guy. Orlando is great and when he is on screen, truly, I don't see anyone else. He has a huge fan base and like myself, we are not all teenage girls. What you obvioiusly missed in the POTC movies is that he plays the straight guy to Johnny Depp's Captian Jack. As for Elizabethtown, you can thank Cameron Crowe for that boring film not Orlando Bloom. Ewan McGregor instead of Orlando Bloom - can't hold a candle to him. He's a good actor, but totally different. Most fans started loving OB right from the start with Legolas and we won't stop!! There must be something about him with fans like that. ko
15 - The Jay
I love it when I get called ugly. Like if I dislike a good looking actor, then that has to mean I'm a hideous trollface. Where'd that come from? Everybody go back and read the first two paragraphs and point me to where I said Orlando Bloom was a bad actor or a bad person. Can't I think someone's bland? Just sort of dull? This is a humor piece, written by a humor writer. Is it too much to ask for a little perspective? It's not like I got pulled over on PCH and started calling cops "fucking jews". You know? Thinking OB is bland is a fairly minor action.
16 - Susan Freeman
I'm not saying you're ugly or even that you're a bad writer. You have all of the words spelled correctly, all the punctuation in the right places. But the piece just has no spark for me. I've read it through, and I've see you do your little wordplay, post your fairly simple manip, but at no time was I really interested in your opinion. Wouldn't it have been funnier if it had been written by Dave Barry? Or Faith Foyil? Sheila Moss? Bob Schwartz? Angie Brennan? Mike Reiss? Your Neighbor? My old homeroom teacher? A preschool class? A chimpanzee?
17 - Alix Thomas
So 'The Jay' was "inexplicable (sic - I believe you were trying to use the non-word inexplicably) intrigued by one facet of the movie: Orlando Bloom’s complete and utter blandness."
Well it seems the public, including myself, is intrigued by your need to be insulting instead of humorous.
The film is breaking all sorts of box office records. Those are fans shelling out their hard earned dollars for tickets and gas. You think no one is going to be offended by your nasty little rant? You think readers will just laugh off your slam against Orlando Bloom? Why?
I think you are the one who needs some perspective.
18 - Laura
Well i have to strongly object to your " Humor Writen Piece".You want perspective so here it is!
Orlando Bloom is a very amazing actor in all ways.His performance in all his movies is absolutley wonderful and amazingly NOT bland! I who agree with the #8 comment think that he was a damn good actor in Elizabethtown as well as all his movies.I think that you should probobly stop trying to bash on Orlando considering you spend more time defending your opinion then actually having one.
19 - Kay
For such a 'bland' labeled subject, it sure is getting alot of controversy.
20 - esq2002
I agree with everything EXCEPT the idea that he was good as Legolas. That has got to be the stupidest piece of casting in the history of the world, Orlando Bloom is the most UN-elvish actor working. And he looks like crap in blond hair.
21 - Cat
If you had studied the demographic of OB's fan base, you might have steered clear of trying to reveal that the emporer-St. Orlando, isn't wearing any clothes. Something I happen to agree with. You should be prepared for the backlash from the teeney crowd and a few older ladies who passionately defend him, no matter how badly the movie did in the theater. It's just never St. Orlando's fault. There are worse things than being bland, but getting paid what he does to be it, is what's the crime. And Ryan Gosling is awesome. He's the one to watch and someone Orlando will be compared to and not in a good way. Ryan's acting is a beacon in the night compared to Orlando's matchstick performances. As long as there are movies where the hero rides a horse or shoots a bow or swashes his buckle, then Orlando will have a place. But when he is too old to play the young hero, then what?
22 - georgia
was i supposed to laugh? well i am not laughing! you're pathetic "Jay"
23 - Mari
Blandness is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. *shrugs* I actually fought the Bloom-allure for years -- thought he was nothing more than a teenybopper pin-up -- but I find myself riveted to the screen in any scene he's in.
I've found that he employs some pretty subtle facial expressions to express the emotions/inner thoughts of his characters (not Legolas, so much, but in other roles) and if you blink, you may miss that. So I don't blink. :o)
I also think Elizabethtown was a seriously underrated film. Poor box office revenue does not = bad movie. Maybe the problem with Elizabethtown is that it appeals to a fairly specific audience? As someone who has lost a parent at a really bad time, I was able to relate to Bloom's character and the story rang very true for me. I was moved by both Crowe's script and Bloom's performance, which I found decidedly NOT bland.
24 - tia
Well, I have to admit that Jay's got a point, Orlando lacks something, the memorable factor, the stuff that makes you remember only the character of the film and his journey, not the cute dude who acted it, I think Orlando himself and those who have called him for film parts had relied in the fact of his endless screaming little drooling teen fan base, oh yeah! he'll make noise wherever he goes.
Legolas was a struck of luck for him, in Troy it seems they wanted to fill the Paris space just with any other adolescent scream generator, vulnerable and helpless, (the blandest of his performances Jay!!) in Kingdom of Heaven his boots were too big for him and that obviously affected the credibility of the film making it a flop; the only thing I liked about Elizabethtown was the oh soooo cool music score, Orlando tried really hard but he didn't let himself go, he was subtly restrained all the time, probably by his insecurity, Pirates of the Caribbean will always feel safe for Orlando because Johnny saves the day completely, he is the star and the others are totally dimmed by Jack.
Anyway here's Orlando's problem: lack of experience as an actor, I don't think he has tested himself to the limit he can possibly reach, maybe he doesn't even know there's more.
All those big productions planned to earn lots of millions, with great directors, other great actors (Depp, Neeson, Pit, Bana, Vigo and company), amazing scripts and huge productions where not a bland plan at all at the beginning, but the result, due to poor Orly, didn't earn the millions, the recognition or the nominations they would have maybe deserved before Bloom...
And don't get me wrong, I really like the guy, even though I'm not in the screaming age anymore, I had a dream, the x rated kind with him, some past night, sweaty hot and sticky; he is absolutely gorgeous, but that's not enough..
25 - Bethany
Ok, ok I reckon Orlando was sort of bland... But hay, Johny Depp is no prize pick him self... What the? Why did I just tipe that? Oh right That. And by the way, I don't think its really that nice to be comparing him to whole meal bread! I MEEN COME ON! THE GUYS DOING THE BEST (well sort of best) HE CAN! By the way, YOU PRBILY CAN'T EVEN HOLD A STICK UP TO ORLANDO! SO GET NICKED! (Nicked, Is an Autralian term)