The "Pop Culture Scale of Bland" finds Bloom blander than Tobey Maguire, a bit blander than lettuce, and exactly as bland as white bread.
I finally got around to seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean flick, and while I didn’t love it (unbelievable special effects, unbelievably annoying script), I found myself inexplicable intrigued by one facet of the movie: Orlando Bloom’s complete and utter blandness. Over the course of a butt-killing two and a half hours, I watched him swordfight, romance Keira Knightley, jump around, do some swimming, be dramatic, play some dice and generally be swashbuckling, yet at no time during the entire proceeding was I riveted by his performance. Don’t get me wrong -- I’m not saying he’s a bad actor. He hits all his marks, he commits to the role, he says his lines well, he’s not ugly, but there’s just no spark in him. I mean, he’s dashing and all. He’s dashing. But wouldn’t it have been more interesting if that part was played by say… Ewan McGregor? Or Ryan Gosling? Wouldn’t you have rather seen Captain Jack Sparrow tangle with Obi-Wan Kenobi?…
Article comments
26 - tia
No comprendo...
27 - Chrissy Rae
Johnny Depp is going to retire, then he will be the hottest movie star. But JOhnny Beats Him Out!!!
28 - jason
i thought the article was a very entertaining read.
29 - just a girl
Well with all your comments and diffrent opiniouns here is mine, everybody thinks diffrently wether we like it or not. There is always a good side to every thing and otherwise. The problem is we let our diffrences get to us and sooner then you think arguments arise and then wars,you see what im saying. See, what the world's problem is is that it's impossable to come to an aggreement with almost anything that comes to human mind. So my advise to all of you is even know someone makes a statement that you don't "Agree" with(maybe this one) dont make nasty comments just simply nod and walk on by doesnt mean you have to agree with it. The person your talking to should get the picture. Anyways if you think Orlando Bloom is bland fine, that eather means you don't get out much or YOUR just bland. Just kidding! ;)(;
30 - Anya
Well, I could be saying, "What do you expect from someone who's dating Kate Bosworth?", but let's not be cynical here...
Personally, I believe there's got to be a reason why Orlando Bloom wasn't kicked out of Guildhall (the drama school). I just think he's in the wrong sort of movie all the time, or at least playing the wrong sort of role.
I thought he was best as Legolas (even though some of those lines were cringinly bad), mainly when Legolas was being arrogant or jesting in a deadpanned way ("You look terrible"). But since then he's merely played the standard upright, good, not-human, BORING romantic hero. In the first Pirates movie it's okay, since Will is also a stubborn prissy virgin... but I wish he'd play an arrogant snobby young man for once. With a questionable set of morals. It's got to be in there somewhere; it flares occasionally during TV appearances, when he says unintentionally offending and funny stuff like, "American football... I dunno, goes completely over the top of my head; you guys stop every two minutes." (As a European, I second that notion).
BUT... if all of that's just wishful thinking... as long as female leads are as bland as Keira Knightley, Sienna Miller, Kate Bosworth, Jessica Alba... or doing the same sex-kitten routine (Scarlett Johannson) over and over again... I'll damn well enjoy Orlando Bloom as pornography for my female eye.
31 - ASHLEY THOMPSON
I HAVE NOT SEEN IT BUT IF ORLANDO BLOON IS IN IT I KNOW IT'S GOOD I LOVE ORLANDO BLOOM MY MAN
ASHLEY THOMPSON
32 - Not an OB fan
HaHa! I just googled with 'Orlando Bloom pathetic' (reflecting my own personal disposition on the matter to see if others felt the same) and your entry came up no. 1. What entertained me the most was not the amount of counterargument from loved-up prepubescents - but that google picked up on 'pathetic' from georgia's response of "you're pathetic Jay." Irony is a beautiful thing.
33 - trudy l.
being a long-time fan(i don't know if that's quite the word...ogle-er?), i was at first offended, but then reluctantly came to agree with you. ewan mcgregor could have played most of his roles 12 times better, and i do looooove ewan, but he's just doesn't really have the same god-like features as orli. so- a deep actor? no. but the best eye-candy i've ever had the pleasure to taste? indeed.
34 - Joan
Okay Jay, I realize you made this post a while ago but thanks to Google it came up in their Orlando Bloom alerts. You say this is to be a humorous piece? I don't find it funny at all. Not only did Orlando get scholarships to the best drama schools in England, he actually graduated from them which means they saw his acting abilities long ago!
Now let's address your comments about his films:
In the Lord of the Rings films Orlando portrayed Legolas exactly the way Tolkien wrote about the elves. Elves preferred to blend into the background not stand out. They were very unemotional because they did not fell emotion in the way humans do. His eyes said it all. That's all he needed to do to be true to Tolkien's elves. As was typical of the elves he also excelled in archery and all types of weapons with little effort. Orlando did a beautiful job of portraying Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood.
Pirates of the Caribbean 1 & 2 - okay Jay, it is not rocket science that Will Turner was an exceptional character and straight man to Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow. I loved the first and second films and thought Orlando did a great job in both! Although I am a Johnny Depp fan, I felt there was too much hoopla about his acting in the film and not enough attention to Orlando's acting or Keira's for that matter. The promos acted as if Captain Jack was the only main character in the films. I found Captain Jack to be very unexciting and not up to Johnny's usual roles. His acting was more playful than true acting. Orlando was far from bland in either film. Even my 10 year old nephew thought he was incredible! He thought Captain Jack was just plain creepy. LOL
Troy - You clearly never read the story of Troy. Paris was a lover, could wield a sword, shoot arrows with precision (like all Troy warriors) and he did kill Achilles in the end. Bland did not come to mind while he was in any of his scenes. He portrayed Paris exactly the way history believed him to be.
Kingdom of Heaven - Although I was disappointed in the theater release of Kingdom of Heaven and much prefer the Director's Cut DVD, Orlando was utterly amazing in this film (both versions). I found nothing at all bland about his performance. He goes from a simple blacksmith who finds out his father is a king and is then thrown into a war that has gone on for a very long time. He changes from the common man he was to a leader in the crusades. This film was beautifully made and there was nothing bland about any of the actor's roles including Orlando! I would suggest you watch the Director's Cut DVD and rethink your comments.
Elizabethtown - This film and Orlando's portrayal of Drew Baylor was very touching and never bland. To anyone who has lost a loved one at an especially tough time in their lives or someone they have not spent as much time with as they would have liked, there are always regrets and great struggle with the emotions you feel. Orlando did a beautiful job in this film of portraying the struggle and guilt of lost time with his father's sudden death. I also loved how he portrayed an up and coming professional lost in his material world to a man who learned how the simple things in life are the ones to truly cherish. Yes, that sounds corny but most real people in America live their lives for the simple things not to see who can own more material and superficial things than their neighbors.
35 - Harris
This article is hilarious because it hits the nail right on the head. However, I think that Orlando's part in the two Pirates movies was more ruined by the script than by his own bland acting (seems like the writer was unsure if the story he was telling belonged to William or Jack or Elizabeth, and would have done better to just select one or two maximum). However, Keira Knightley's part in the second Pirates movie was just as badly written and, not only that, she didn't exactly give her best performance in that movie (did anyone else notice the smirking in between more than a few of her lines?). I should probably clarify that I am a guy so I'm more biased to enjoy anything Keira Knightley is in, but of the two (and being as analytical as possible), I think Orlando did a worse job of dealing with the bad writing in Pirates 2. He definitely ruined the first Pirates movie by underacting his part, and I think that maybe the writer saw this and modified his part for the second movie to better suit his style, but this just made Orlando's character even less interesting, and more obnoxious to watch. Just as a case study into good acting, take a look at Johnny Depp and how he handles his character in both Pirates movies (and almost anyhting else he is in, for that matter). Comparatively, Orlando Bloom is amateurish in his approach. Maybe his character is badly written, but there _is_ such a thing as an actor performing well in a bad part. I almost feel sorry for him, but then I remember that his good looks got him millions of dollars doing exactly what annoys us all so much: the bare minimum.
I wouldn't go so far to say that Orlando is blander than Toby McGuire. Come on! Toby completely ruined Spiderman _in spite of_ a relatively well-written script. Toby is downright offensive to watch trying to act, but Orlando is at least a decent actor, and can be "tuned out" as many people have come to learn.
36 - Kaonashi
Yeesh, some of these people have no sense of humor. Hell, I too got swept up in the Legolas wave years ago. I thought Orlando Bloom was so awesome as the elf. Gorgeous, but also very cool in killing orcs. I collected pictures of Orlando Bloom on my computer. I had his posters on my wall. But later on I started realizing just how bland he is in movies. Now, I still think he's good looking and all, but I can objectively say that he's unmemorable in his films.
re: Joan's comment about elves needing to blend in the scenery, etc. Last time I checked, Elrond and Galadriel were also elves, but Hugo Weaving and Cate Blanchett certainly didn't blend in the scenery. Maybe it's because they're better actors.
Pirates 1&2: I was never a Johnny Depp fan. I never watched him in 21 Jump Street, and I never watched him in any of his other movies. But you'd have to be in complete, utter denial not to see that he completely stole Pirates from everyone. Only Geoffrey Rush was able to keep up with him, but even then just barely.
Troy- Brad Pitt isn't the greatest actor, but even he was better than Orlando Bloom. Hell, Eric Bana was more noticeable. And the part about Paris killing Achilles? So what? That was supposed to happen, because IT'S IN THE BOOK. It doesn't make Bloom special because of it.
Kingdom of Heaven- Oh, holy hell. Liam Neeson's 5 minutes of screen time was more memorable. A cameo by Edward Norton, who was covered in a freaking MASK was more memorable, and at the time I didn't even know who it was until I checked the credits! I just knew that whoever was playing the King was awesome.
I never saw Elizabethtown, but the trailer alone made me not want to watch it. The whole movie looked boring.
Bottom line: as long as Orlando Bloom keeps appearing in movies alongside real actors, he'll disappear in the woodwork. Yes he's definitely attractive, and I'm sure he's a really nice guy in real life, but looks and niceness can only go so far.
Funny article by the way, The Jay. Loved your "Pop Culture Scale of Bland".
37 - The Jay
Thank you all for the kind, and in some cases not so kind, comments. If you wanna read more about my non-love of Orlando, head on over to my website, www.TheJay.com. I just named Orlando the most unwatchable actor in hollywood. Good times.
- The Jay
www.TheJay.com
38 - britney
i personly think orlando is sexxie! he is so not dull he is awsome but "jay" ur pathetic and bland!
39 - mariel
orlando soy d argentina ,me encanta como sos ,.sos rre lindo ,perfecto,ojala algun dia vengas a visitar la argentina,me rre gustas ,.te amo bb
40 - taylor
wow you rock hannah!
41 - NazGal
This article is hilarious.
I've never understood the appeal of Orlando Bloom, and I'm glad to see that someone else out there understands why. He is dulllll. On camera, he looks like he's thinking about his laundry, or wondering if his cell phone battery has enough charge to make that call to his dentist.
Just because someone looks like a movie star, it doesn't mean he is one.