Oh whatever, like he isn't some kind of walking STD experiment the government is conducting for use as a weapon of penile destruction.
What does all this mean? Well, being the math genius that I am — for reals, I have ribbons and stuff — I am going to present you kids with a math equation to unravel the riddle.
A = Joe Francis having unprotected sex
B = Paris Hilton
C = Lindsay Lohan
D = Kimberly Stewart
E = Tara Reid - this is represented by (E?) because there is the "unknown factor" of condom-less penetration, but we all know Joe Francis is a liar, but we still have to go with the "unknown" quotient.
F= Joe's penis
A + B + C+ D+(E?)x F= G
G=Superstrain of Herpehivitisavianebolacoli
Apply the Olsen Law of Corollary Theorem ™ and the only conclusion is G=H and H= Joe Francis hates his penis and is trying to make it fall off.
A surgical tool would be faster and there are probably thousands of women who would cheerfully assist him in his endeavor.
Class dismissed.
Article comments
1 - Glen Boyd
Not only are you back Dawn, you are back with a vengeance. My own penis is appropriately checked at the door. Great freaking stuff as always.
-Glen
2 - Dawn
Your penis is welcome Glen, I just recommend you use precaution based on the Olsen Theorem™!
PS, thanks for the props!!
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
I was always told to show my work.
*zip*
4 - D'oh
Somebody get the microscope for Suss.
5 - Matthew T. Sussman
Son of a.
Like a blind man in a wood chipper, I walked right into that one.
6 - D'oh
heh.... just for you Suss...
I got to open for these guys once.
7 - D'oh
Actually...Dawn, for all your good work, you may take that link, and should use it for your byline on the celeb dirt, somehow.
Just a thought, keep it up , Dawn (that sounded bad, don't shoot me, Eric!!), with you around, there's no need to touch the tabloids.
8 - STM
Joe Francis is a knob ...
9 - Dawn
Joe Francis is a stubby knob, and with the current case of leprosy on his peen, it's only going to get stubbier.
Suss, did they get that microscope for you yet? I don't have all damn day.
D'oh, you opened for Living Colour? What happened to those guys, I really liked them?
10 - Christopher Rose
Joe Francis has a stubby knob? Will it fall off?
Don't forget the tweezers to go with that microscope for Suss!
11 - Marfa
How funny is this? Are We supposed to feel sorry for that guy? I think not!
12 - Tim
This is unfortunately my first foray to blogcritics.org and I must say, this is one fine-ass, Grade-A piece of journalism!!
Absoutely loved it!
Tim
13 - Dawn
Thanks Tim!!
Your site confuses me. I think I need a drink now.
14 - diana hartman
I am pleased to tell you this article has been chosen as one of the Culture Editor's Picks of the Week for January 29 through February 4.
Diana Hartman
Culture Editor
15 - Guisseppi
Is it true that Joseph Francis was kidnapped and video taped being butt raped while at gun point? Did anyone hear about this?
16 - paul
hay if you are gay it is good from me
size dose not matter